Random Musings

My thoughts are everywhere today. But since I'm not doing much of anything else right now other than drinking coffee, I thought I'd probably compose a list...

1. Insomnia, Part 13? I seriously don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't sleep. I don't drink coffee past noon. I don't even have a different sleeping routine over the holidays. I'm not currently stressed out about anything. And yet, I just can't seem to stay asleep. The sleep clinic sounds better and better every wakeless minute I spend in bed.

2. Stupid tires. The low tire warning light worries me. I know I need to get the tires checked, but I can't afford anything to fix anything right now. I keep hoping that it will magically fix itself. If don't know its broken, then maybe it's not broken. I know that's crazy logic, but there you go.

3. Accents are fun. I was delighted when I found out that one my favorite grocers had transferred from the grocery store I used to frequent to the one I currently shop at. I love talking to the guy. His accent is just too adorable! If it were a Scots accent, it would be game over. Alas, it is not.

4. February 3rd. I have a little over a month left of enjoying this temporary position at work. My co-worker's maternity leave ends on this date and it doesn't appear that my department would be able to offer me a permanent position. I really don't mind going back to the phones. And I am sure that most of the relationships I have cultivated during these few months will continue to grow. However, what plagues me most is something God wants me to trust Him in, and I am fretting and worrying over the unknown. I can't even possibly express what I will miss most when I leave this position. But I have to believe that there is purpose behind all this and that it is for the good. Even if I don't understand it right now.

Ok. That's enough processing for the moment...

A Different Kind of World

I've been waiting for a hero who's brave and strong. Someone to love me, someone to tell me I belong. So I pretend I'm satisfied, and I stand watching on the sidelines. 'Til You pull me into the light and say, "It's your turn now, welcome to your life!"

This time last year, I had awoken to a completely different world.

I had received mostly what I had asked for, but since it was apart from God, it couldn't mean anything to me. The words that were spoken to me were tainted by the intentions behind them. And it left me feeling smaller and lonelier than I had ever expected to be.

A year had magically gone by and I approached this Christmas with a different kind of spirit. Instead of wishing for things to be different, I was trying to enjoy the blessings I did have. I was blessed with a different kind of joy. I loved my church family, my friends, my job. I actually looked forward being with my family on Christmas Eve (even though the snow had threatened to change all that). The air I was taking in wasn't stale.

Life changes when lasting peace and true love are present in anyone's life. Anything else other than that merely pales in comparison.

I woke up this Christmas morning to a different kind of world. And it is better than I had ever hoped it could be.

Now I can finally start to live, take those chances I have missed. Things will be much different, now that I know You call me beautiful.

Song Quotes from "Call Me Beautiful," by Ginny Owens.

I Suspect Bing Crosby

Before I start, I hope that everyone who wished for a White Christmas enjoyed getting what they wished for!

Celebrating Christmas this year was a little different, but still fun. My cousin Sam is in the Philippines, and my cousin JJ couldn't make to my grandparents's house because of the snow. Although I missed Sam and JJ, I had the great opportunity to get to know my cousin Olivia (Smalls). For the longest time, I felt that I really couldn't connect with her because I believed we didn't have a whole lot in common. And because of the number of years that separate us, she and I never really got to talk much. However, this Christmas, she and I bonded over random conversations, card games, and falling asleep to Toy Story. We didn't get to bed until 5 AM. I really enjoyed getting to know Smalls and I pray that bond will not break.

I truly do love my family. And I am truly blessed to have celebrated Christmas with (most of) them. And when I think about Christmas this year, other than the white/gray snow that tried to separate us, I am glad I got to spend it with my church family, my family, and the Colliers!

Gloria! God is with us.

Christmas Eve

Due to inclement weather, my grandparents have decided to cancel Christmas.

Ok. I'm done being dramatic.

Because my grandparents have been unable to leave the house for the past week and a half, they are postponing our Christmas Eve celebration until this Saturday. I had a feeling this was going to happen, and had mentally prepared myself for this occurence.

And like with most things, I wasn't prepared for it emotionally.

I am sad not to spend Christmas Eve with my family. I know I usually come in late, and the time together is pretty much like every family dinner we have. I know we can see each other any time of the year since we are blessed to live so close to each other, but there is just something about seeing your family on Christmas Eve. And I guess I'm just sad that I won't be able to do that this year.

Update: The grandparents called. Christmas is back on!!!! Now if the snow will just cooperate and disappear so that I can make it to my grandparents's house and then leave the next day...

Dreaming Outside of Winter Wonderland

Yes, I like snow.

I liked snow when it meant that we got to stay home from school and look forward to hours of making snow angels, building snowmen and dodging snowballs. I liked snow when you watch the snow in the comfort of your own home in front of a fire and drinking hot chocolate. I liked snow when the child like wonder of the transformed world around you takes your breath away and all you felt was comfort and warmth and peace.

But there is this responsible adult within me that hates snow. I hate being cold. I hate watching the weather reports and letting it feed into my anxiety over the morning commute.

I want to be that child again and wonder at the land of snow. I want to get excited over the prospect of a white Christmas. I want to ignore all the gray and the dark ugly road littered with brown and dirty snow and see the fluffy white line the evergreens and bare branches outside of my window. Like with most things in my life, I want to simply enjoy this moment.

But for now, I'm dreaming of sitting on a warm beach in Hawaii.

Unrecognizable

I know I can love you much better than this. It's better this way.
--Sarah McLaughlin, "Full of Grace"

It's probably because its **still** snowing (sigh...I want it to stop!) I have had some time to think.

I had planned to sleep in this morning, but when my alarm went off at 6 AM, I lay awake, thinking.

I know, I know...thinking is a dangerous pasttime.

At any rate, I thought about my life and how much I have been enjoying it lately (despite the snow...). A huge smile was on my face and my heart is still bursting with joy. As I thanked God for his blessings for these few weeks, I realized that I hardly recognized myself.

And it was a good thing.

Of course, being the thinker I am (I wouldn't be me if I wasn't processing something) I decided to go into research mode. I pulled out my journals during this time last year and came upon the life I had lived at the beginning of this year. I hadn't realized how far I had come from the troubled life I had lived. I read those entries, yelling at Abby from Jan 08, pleading with her to see the trouble she was going to get into and begging her to see that there was a way out if she just looked up.

Despite all my pleading, it did not change the outcome. However, in the end, I wouldn't have traded those experiences as long as it still leads me back to this moment where I know for sure God loves me. To this moment where I know there is still hope. To this moment where I still believe in love.

I no longer recognize the Abby from earlier this year. And I hope that the Abby I am now will continue to grow and love better than she did before.

Delight

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
--David, Psalm 37:4

You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.
--David, Psalm 4:7

Like with most things, I didn't see it coming.

However, I am learning (forgive me, I am slow) that just because I am oblivious to something doesn't mean that it wasn't ever going to happen. Moreover (who uses that word any more?) it also doesn't mean that God hadn't been preparing me for the good things he had planned for me.

It has taken me awhile to actually write this, but I wanted to share about this past experience without sharing too much in a blog for the two people that actually read this thing. So here goes.

The week of Thanksgiving, an event occurred that I had long imagined but suddenly didn't know how to handle. My reaction was far more complicated and different than I had anticipated. But in the end, a choice had to be made. God was tugging at my heart, urging me to follow him to a place that I had no desire to go.

But if I had failed to take this opportunity, I knew I would regret it. I would be missing out on the life that I wanted to have. And I didn't know how or when I had stopped believing in the life I had hoped for.

To be quite honest, I didn't do anything. But the small offering I made out of an act of obedience was enough for God to use in a mighty way--not only in my life, but for others around me. And it is because of His faithfulness alone that everything that I could ever hope for has been blessed.

I honestly didn't see it coming.

In fact, I didn't realize it until my counselor had pointed it out in our meeting yesterday. After I had babbled about what has occurred since Thanksgiving, she asked me if it had been everything I had asked God for. I was pleasantly surprised to respond with a resounding "Yes!"

The past three weeks have been nothing short of amazing. Yes, it came through some heartache, but God has taught me so much about His forgiveness and grace and love and compassion and...and...and...

I am hesitant to say all of this because I am afraid that this joy will go away. Doubt rises and troubles me. I am not used to this kind of feeling, or this place of joy. I have had moments, but they soon went away. And I can't help but wonder when this will fade. I fear that something will happen that will jerk me back to a place of despair and struggle and sorrow and...and...and...

However, that is not the kind of God I serve. In every and any circumstance, I hope that I will continue to choose to be content. The world will want to test me, and it may come close to winning, but in the end, the enemy can't break me. This daughter belongs to God.

There are many moments of joy and many moments of sorrow. But right now, all I wanted to say is that for this moment, my heart is full of delight.

And you know what that means....the dance of joy. May it never end.