Sending a Scotsman

Secret keepers need to laugh every once in awhile, too.

Every once in awhile, I can't stand music on the radio. To be exact, I can't stand popular songs on the radio. This happens when I my brain is full or when I had a long day. Usually in these moments where I feel like my brain is going to implode, I opt for classical music, particularly piano, strings, or both.

Beethoven was the original Emo-kid.

Tonight, on my way home from a very interesting time at my sister's, I was on a frantic search for something to ease my mind. As it was late, I couldn't have the radio off in fear that I would fall asleep. Lyrical music was not helping, and the soft-spoken DJs of the classical stations were trying to kill me with lullabies.

At some point, I came across a familiar accent.

I'm shameless, I know.

So, I listened to the preacher featured on Dr. Dobson's Focus on the Family radio program. And what was this Scotsman speaking on? Searching for a Godly Spouse.

I nearly died laughing. You've got to love Valentine's Week. Everything is about love, marriage, and the trials of singlehood.

At some point, Rev. Alistair Begg shared how he had wooed and finally won his wife. He had shared this personal story to illustrate that sometimes external physical beauty can't compete with a beautiful character.

It was a funny story, yet very beautiful. I love stories that a funny and beautiful. Most of the time, I find that the most beautiful stories are the funny ones.

And yes, I loved it more because of the Scots accent.

When I finally pulled into my apartment parking lot, tears were coming out of my eyes, I was laughing so hard. There were 10 minutes left of the lecture, so I stayed in my car and finished listening to the featured lecture.

I was glad I listened to the whole thing.

...never underestimate the power of the pen. And all those American Water-skiers bowed to the Scotman's pen...

...so girls, your beauty shouldn't come from time spent in front of the mirror, but rather time spent in front of the mirror of the Word of God. And men, the biggest thing you can bring to the possibilities of marriage is the character of integrity and a life of spiritual maturity.

--Rev. Alistair Begg, Search for a Godly Spouse

I don't know why I found the situation so funny, or maybe God knew that I just needed a laugh. But I'd like to think that God was trying to tell me something, and he knew that one way to get me to pay attention was to send someone with a Scots accent.

Spinning Words and the Little Things That Count

Today was infinitely better than yesterday.

Whatever had been torn apart, God graciously put back together.

My co-worker apologized again this morning. This time, it was accompanied with a cup of coffee. My co-worker isn't known for remembering the details. I stared at the coffee he had bought for me, and I started to cry again, moved by the thought behind the action. His apologies were sincere, and I heard his words. But sometimes, a small act of thoughtful kindness means more to me than what words could ever express.

A large part of my job involves communication. You have to put words together in a certain way to convey your intent in a consise manner without risking offending anyone. I spend so much of my time spinning words they no longer mean anything to me.

Don't get me wrong. If you're honest with me, you can talk all you want. No games...just tell me what it is that you want to say. If you're honest, I'll believe you. But if you're looking to get past my intellectual filter permanently set on overdrive, you don't have to say anything at all.

Yes, I love words. But isn't always what someone says that sticks with me. The moments that I commit to heart are usually without words. It's a smile that will never grow old for me. Time spent together for the sake of spending time together. A hug that lasts for an eternity.

Sure, it's the little things that count. And it's the little things that I love the most.

The Foreign Concept of Being Present

Is it bad luck to talk about 2008 on the first day of 2009?

Apparently, I have been part of a lot of conversations concerning luck. I don't think I have bad luck, but I don't have fantastic luck either. Oh well. Enough of that sidenote.

My 2008 ended pretty much the way that it began--very surreal moments. Everything is pretty much fine now--thank God!--but I found myself in deep thought over the randomness that is my family dynamic.

I was able to connect with my grandmother (although it was only for a brief moment) and I was able to communicate with my grandfather in a slightly authoritative way that is otherwise unheard of in my family. What Grandpa says is law. But not this New Year's Eve.

I won't shout this minor accomplishment on the rooftops because to get my grandpa to listen, I had to admit this humble gem:

Me: Look. I'm as stubborn as you are.
Grandpa: You're right. You might be worse.
Me: That's probably true. Which means, in this conversation, I'm going to win.

Although I was glad to help my grandparents communicate and finally relate, I found myself diving into the family role that I had long avoided since I left for college. It was different this time. Maybe it was because I wasn't doing the hard work, God was. If only I could remember this in the future, maybe the role of Mediator/Peacekeeper won't be so bad this time around.

My grandparents have a hard time expressing affection for one another to each other. (Sorry for the weird sentence syntax on that one. You might have to read that twice). As I interpreted for them, I witnessed something very sweet:

My grandparents cannot bear the thought of being apart.

I suppose that is why people say that you "just know" when it comes to finding "the One." I am still on the fence the idea of "the One," but I when I observe the marriages of those around me, I realize a common thread:

You're better when you are together.

As I stared at this beautiful--although at times emotionally constipated--couple, I wondered if someone would want to be in my company for the sake of...being in my company. I am so used to people needing, wanting, asking, demanding things from me to do, to be, to fix, to keep together, to create, to handle. It is a foreign concept for me to think about being in a relationship where the mere presence of the person you love is what you desire most.

You just feel better when you're together.

However foreign the concept of presence is to me, it is that very deep connection that I have hope for in my heart.

On Guard

Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
--Writer of Proverbs, Book of Proverbs, 4:23

I was never really good at guarding my heart.

I don't know if it was a learned trait, or if I had stopped caring, but I have often given my heart to the care of those who had mistreated it. Beat it up. Cut it down. Spoke death to it. Crushed the life out of it. Killed it with kindness that only meant to harm. Shamed it into thoughtless submission. Used it for their own pleasures. Scattered the pieces until there was nothing left of it.

Only by the grace of God do I have much of a heart left.

After a nearly year-long trial (ask me later) I promised myself that I needed to make an effort to ensure that I would guard my heart carefully. I didn't know why I had to, but I held onto the hope that because my heart now belonged to God and is no longer mine, it is no longer my decision to whom I give this heart.

Knowing that, my heart should be in good hands.

That is, until I try to take it back.

The most recent test of this guardianship of this fragile heart came shortly after another test had ended. I cried out to Father God and asked him to help me guard my heart from those who seek to distract me from the life God has set before me. I didn't want to ask him, but I knew that it would be best.

Amazingly enough, (why are we always amazed that God answers prayers?) God let the scales fall from my eyes and I saw the distraction for what it really was. God promises me an abundant eternal life, and that begins now. That is the hope he wants me to cling to. The life he wants me to hold onto is good, and he has a plan for it. And that means that I can't always say yes to the things that I believe I deserve.

It pains me to say no to a "sure" thing, but when I remember that God will protect the hearts that he claims as his, the hurt doesn't last as much as I had feared.

God, my Lord who fiercely loves me, is the only one who would determine those who he deems able to take care of something he claims as his.