Waiting

I don't like waiting.

I know I'm not alone in this. If I took a poll, I'm sure no one would say that they would prefer waiting over not waiting.

And I'm sure that we've had sermons from Jon about waiting well. Apparently, it hasn't really stuck with me. I hope that as I meditate on His Word, I can finally learn the lesson on waiting and make Jon proud.

Forgive me, I am a slow learner.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters.
--David, Psalm 23:2

Wait for the LORD. Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD
--David, Psalm 27:14

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
--David, Psalm 5:3

I hate waiting. I always feel like it is for an eternity, for the lack of a better cliche. Since God's timing is perfect, waiting shouldn't feel the way that it does: full of anxiety, worry and frustration. We make waiting difficult. We make it appear longer than it really should.

How does one take the anxiety out of waiting? How do we remain still and know that God's timing is perfect, God's plan is good, God's faithfulness is true? How do we get to that place where worry has no place and we can finally rest? How can we expect God's move without getting in the way?

Sure, I don't wait well. But it doesn't mean that I can't learn how to wait. I have a large hope in my heart, and I know it will come to pass if I just take a deep breath (or four or five or three hundred) and rest in God's peaceful presence. Anxiety, worry and frustration cannot exist where perfect peace, joy and love dwell.

So...here I am. Just waiting.

Its More Than Just a Hole in My Neck

For the second time in a year, I have a spider bite on my neck.

That, or a vampire keeps visiting me.

Either way, its quite annoying.

And for those who don't know about the hole in my neck, I suppose that would be another blog!

The Foreign Concept of Being Present

Is it bad luck to talk about 2008 on the first day of 2009?

Apparently, I have been part of a lot of conversations concerning luck. I don't think I have bad luck, but I don't have fantastic luck either. Oh well. Enough of that sidenote.

My 2008 ended pretty much the way that it began--very surreal moments. Everything is pretty much fine now--thank God!--but I found myself in deep thought over the randomness that is my family dynamic.

I was able to connect with my grandmother (although it was only for a brief moment) and I was able to communicate with my grandfather in a slightly authoritative way that is otherwise unheard of in my family. What Grandpa says is law. But not this New Year's Eve.

I won't shout this minor accomplishment on the rooftops because to get my grandpa to listen, I had to admit this humble gem:

Me: Look. I'm as stubborn as you are.
Grandpa: You're right. You might be worse.
Me: That's probably true. Which means, in this conversation, I'm going to win.

Although I was glad to help my grandparents communicate and finally relate, I found myself diving into the family role that I had long avoided since I left for college. It was different this time. Maybe it was because I wasn't doing the hard work, God was. If only I could remember this in the future, maybe the role of Mediator/Peacekeeper won't be so bad this time around.

My grandparents have a hard time expressing affection for one another to each other. (Sorry for the weird sentence syntax on that one. You might have to read that twice). As I interpreted for them, I witnessed something very sweet:

My grandparents cannot bear the thought of being apart.

I suppose that is why people say that you "just know" when it comes to finding "the One." I am still on the fence the idea of "the One," but I when I observe the marriages of those around me, I realize a common thread:

You're better when you are together.

As I stared at this beautiful--although at times emotionally constipated--couple, I wondered if someone would want to be in my company for the sake of...being in my company. I am so used to people needing, wanting, asking, demanding things from me to do, to be, to fix, to keep together, to create, to handle. It is a foreign concept for me to think about being in a relationship where the mere presence of the person you love is what you desire most.

You just feel better when you're together.

However foreign the concept of presence is to me, it is that very deep connection that I have hope for in my heart.

Unexpected Joys

I won't lie. 2008 did not start well. As I ventured into the first fifteen days of 2008, I found myself looking at a year full of disappointment, shame, heartache.

However, I am happy to say that 2008 did not end up that way. Yes, the aforementioned things did occur as expected, but there was also pure joy, happiness, healing, peace and blessings upon blessings.

God is good all the time.

2009 is fast approaching (already here in some places that are not in this hemisphere) I find myself looking forward to all the expected and unexpected joys ahead. I am not sure what is in store for me in 2009, but as I had mentioned before, I am afraid of the unknown. I like to be sure of the things ahead and plan accordingly. Which, I'm finding, leads to disappointment and failure.

All the time God is good.

Thankfully, God is still God. Based on what the latter half of 2008 has shown me, it is always better when he does it.

Everything becomes a pleasant surprise.

Passing Moments

Sometimes the holidays can get to me.

Most of the time I don't mind being alone. But when it comes to the holidays, I am often reminded that I do not have a companion that I can share these moments with. It makes me crazy to feel like I'm missing out on something great and special and wonderful. And if I focus on these things, I end up missing out on the moments in front of me.

I understand that this takes time. I understand that it will be well worth the wait. And I understand that God has a plan and that it is good.

But at times like these, I have to be reminded of this. I hope that I will enjoy these moments and not let them pass me by.

No, I can't bear to live my life alone, I grow impatient for a love to call my own. But when I feel that I can't go on, these precious words keeps me hangin' on: I remember mama said, "You can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait."
--Diana Ross, "You Can't Hurry Love"

Are You Kidding Me?

Sigh.

Question 1: Why is it that the things you no longer want to have happen finally happen the moment you decided you no longer wanted them?
Question 2: Why is it that the things you want to have happen hardly ever happen the way you hope/expect/want them to?

Answers are completely welcome.

Can You Vague That Up a Little?

I live life afraid.

In today's sermon, Rob asked what we would change about ourselves in 2009. I usually don't think about this question until the yearly sermon on resolutions Rob ends up doing the Sunday before New Years. (Poor Rob. But he always does a great job!)

At any rate, I kept thinking about how fearful I am. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of people's perceptions of me. I am afraid of people's expectations of me. I am afraid that I will disappoint others. I am afraid of the things I really want. I am afraid that I will lose the things I already have.

I live life afraid.

Without saying too much, I will offer this: I have hope in my heart that I haven't had in a long time, if ever. And I am a little frightened because I can't intellectually get myself through this. Reason and logic have little room in this. I need to have faith and believe that a little trust can go a long way.

I know I need to trust God and believe that he is good. He will take care of me. He will not lead me astray. He has taken me this far, why would I not believe that he would take care of the rest?

Sing, Daughter, precious child of the King. He anxiously awaits to pleasantly surprise you with the desires of your heart. His hope does not disappoint.

I do not need to be afraid. But I am fearful because I don't know what is going to happen next.

For someone who never sees things coming, I am pretty stubborn in wanting to know how everything is going to work out.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.
--Paul, 2 Timothy 1:7

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
--John, 1 John 4:18