Joyful Distraction

It has been an eventful week. And of course, I want to take a break.

I started reading my books on Scotland again, once again resuming my affair with Scotsmen, their rich history, landscape, and kilts.

Don't even get me started on the devastatingly adoring accent.

It amazes me that even after a trial that could consume me for days, life resumes it frantic rhythm. How easily the devil tries to distract us from what is really important. But I hope that i will not win over me. I cannot be so immature to think I can do anything on my own. I cannot stray far from the grip of God.

But I must confess: I am not used to this feeling of freedom, of lightness in step. Yes, things are still hard, and the road may still seem forever long. There are pains in this world that need our attention and prayer, and I am not immune from pain.

But it is nice to breathe again; to smile that doesn't reflect sadness, but geunine peace and happiness. God spoke into my life when he gave me my name, and I hope that in any telling of the story of my life so far, it will be a source of joy.

Trials never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is feeling now, that was not here before, and is not just on the surface of things, but penetrates all the way through: we've won it. Its going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things.
--Robert M. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainence"

Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
--Anais Nin

I have come so that you may have life to the full.
--Jesus, John 10:10

An Overflow of Praise...

This year went by really fast. There was a lot of heartache, stretching, and pain, but out of all of those things, God created beauty, joy and peace. My plan for this year was to continue my week of lists from last Thanksgiving week, but this week proved to be a little more interesting than that.

However, I wanted to get this list out today. I am overflowing with praise for my Father God, who made all of these things possible in my life by his generous grace and fierce love.

1. My "church" family. God has created a family for me. Most of them I met at the church I currently attend, but all are fellow believers who walk through life with me. I had not realized how I had taken this group of people for granted, but I know more than ever just how much I love everyone. I am a better person because of all of these people, and I hope that I may be a blessing to them in some way.

2. Tuesdays with my best friend, Natalie. It has saved me a couple of times from doing something stupid. I can't imagine doing life without my friend!

3. The coffee shop. There are no words to describe how this place has become a sanctuary for me. I spent many hours there to hide, to laugh, to just be... I know my coffee boys don't know how much they mean to me and the comfort they have given me in the form of a cup of coffee. Their crazy antics reminded me not to take life too seriously. They laugh at all my stupid jokes and they let me sit for hours at the end of the bar as I watch the Olympics on the internet. Sanctuaries can be good.

4. My worship team. They don't know it, but I would have given up everything and chosen a worse kind of living if it weren't for them. It hasn't always been easy, but I know the music is sweeter because of the relationships we have built with each other and with God.

5. My job. I love it so much right now. I am thankful for my co-workers, who remind me every day just how blessed I am to work at a place like World Vision with people who love God and love his people.

6. The Sunday night small group. I know we've just met, but I love all of these ladies very much. They are fun people who love God and want to know more of Him. They invited me in and accepted me so easily. It seems like we have been friends forever! They are a great picture of what true community living is like. I want nothing but the best for each of them.

7. My family. They drive me crazy, but I love everyone of them.

I could go on and on and on and on...which is just a testimony of how good God is and how truly blessed we all are. May I never forget God's blessings and may I always be an overflow of praise for him.

Grace Notes

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
--Paul, 2nd Corinthians 12:7-9

Its been a rough couple of days. I don't want to get into the details for the sake of privacy, but I did want to share what God has shown me during this time of sudden trial by fire.

For a long time now, I have held onto some anger and bitterness. I didn't realize how much I had until I calculated the time: 13 years. Half of my life had been wasted hating someone that I had given too much power to. It had been so much a part of my life that I didn't have to think about it. You say this person's name and I was suddenly a different person. And it would torment me for weeks.

How does someone become free of all of this? How does someone let go of something that was so second nature?

This past week, I realized just how much I didn't want to become that person any more. I wanted it to be over, to finally sing that final note in this recurring verse. I wanted it to be done.

I always thought that I would have time. It turns out that I couldn't wait forever. I had the chance to extend grace and finally have peace. I had imagined the moment for so long, but the outcome was far different than I had wished; my emotional reaction was completely surprising and unexpected. I suddenly didn't know my lines, didn't know the song, didn't know what to do.

Except cry out to God.

In music, they say that grace notes can make the song sweet. In this case, I agree.

I was reminded that His grace was for all. I was so angry that I wanted to keep withholding it, to keep myself from feeling anything other than anger towards this person. But it was killing me. And it did not please my Heavenly Father.

How does one let something like this go?

I went on believing that I didn't have grace to offer. That what I had to offer was a paltry offering, not worthy of sharing. But it could mean so much. And God uses all things.

So I gave what I could--this small grace offering to the person I was convinced didn't deserve it. Sigh...the wonders of our gracious God.

Amazingly enough, God turned it to something beautiful. Suddenly, I didn't hate this person. I no longer held what he had done against him and I no longer wanted to see him punished. I wanted him to know that even though I did not love him, God does. I wanted rest for him. I wanted peace for him.

May he find it.

And the grace I extended I realized was the grace that had only been given to me by the only Father that I do call my own.

My Daddy. Abba, Father. It has never meant so much to me than it does now. If it is truly over now, I know I only found it through grace.

Any other word...

For two years I had gone without a nickname. At my last job, I was primarily known by a nickname one of my co-workers had affectionately bestowed upon me. The nickname became so popular among co-workers and customers that hardly anyone knew what my real name was.

And so I relished the two years without a nickname. That is, until I was chatting with a couple of friends and a story came out, revealing the nickname I had hidden for so long. It was like Christmas for them, finding out this name that revealed the past that I kept secret from them. For about an hour, the name was reborn, resulting in a flood of memories in my brain and a flush of red on my cheeks.

The story had died down, but it was of note to me the power of a name. It was from so long ago and it had held so much shame and sadness in me. But as the name had slipped as I told the story, resulting in good-hearted laughter and joy, the power of the name had gone. I don't know what that means, (then again, does it have to mean anything?) but I hope that it indicates that I have moved on from the stories that I had avoided from my last job. Maybe now I can look back and not be sad or in denial of the person that gave me that name.

And maybe it will just be a name.

What's in a name? A rose by any other word would smell as sweet.
-Juliet, Romeo & Juliet.

...a wish the heart makes...

...As per usual...here is my disclaimer: I don't blame the Cinderella story at all...

Work has been a real joy right now. Being in the research department for the call center has been challenging...and there is always something new every day. To that extent, I haven't had a lot of time to think about anything else. Normally this wouldn't bother me, except where I can't get out of my head the question that my pastor had proposed in his sermon a few weeks ago: what is your dream?

I used to hate admitting my dreams. I didn't want to be disappointed. However, I realize that keeping quiet doesn't stop the disappointment when dreams don't come true.

Who says that dreams can't come true? They do every day. It may not happen to me as much, but I have to believe that they do come true. I can't put stock in dreams. They, like a lot of things in this world, are bound to disappoint. So, do I ignore the wishes my heart makes? Do I settle for less? Or do I dare to dream big?

In my restless mind, I struggled with this question of "what is your dream?" And this is my conclusion. I can dream big, but I can also believe in a big God.

God knows the desires of my heart and the dreams I keep hidden in my heart. He only wants to bless me with good things. I cannot hold onto my dreams. But the hope I have in God...that is something worth holding onto.

Weight Loss

I've been working on it for awhile. I wasn't sure if that day will come, but I dreamt about it.

If I did my hair one way, if I wore this sweater or this shirt, if I worked out, maybe I'll see it.

If had enough counseling or memorized enough Bible verses, maybe I'll be over it.

If I played the piano in a certain way, wrote the perfect story, did enough good deeds at church so they won't betray me, I'll finally believe it.

But I didn't see it coming. I didn't know how much I had lost until I finally gave up trying. And today, it happened. I was going to the restroom and I caught my reflection in the mirror.

And I didn't hate myself. I looked at the mirror and only saw beauty staring back. In that moment I believed that I was finally happy with myself.

I hadn't realized how much weight I had carried hating and hiding from myself.

Scotland

Apparently, I have a recent fascination with Scotland.

How did it happen? I read a book. Since then, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering into a place that has so much beauty and history and struggle and castles...

...and men with thick accents.

Its been a rough couple of weeks, but Scotland seems as good a place as any to escape. Even if it its in my mind and the books I read.

Books are our friends. Reading is good for you.
--Mr. Trampe