Grace Notes

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
--Paul, 2nd Corinthians 12:7-9

Its been a rough couple of days. I don't want to get into the details for the sake of privacy, but I did want to share what God has shown me during this time of sudden trial by fire.

For a long time now, I have held onto some anger and bitterness. I didn't realize how much I had until I calculated the time: 13 years. Half of my life had been wasted hating someone that I had given too much power to. It had been so much a part of my life that I didn't have to think about it. You say this person's name and I was suddenly a different person. And it would torment me for weeks.

How does someone become free of all of this? How does someone let go of something that was so second nature?

This past week, I realized just how much I didn't want to become that person any more. I wanted it to be over, to finally sing that final note in this recurring verse. I wanted it to be done.

I always thought that I would have time. It turns out that I couldn't wait forever. I had the chance to extend grace and finally have peace. I had imagined the moment for so long, but the outcome was far different than I had wished; my emotional reaction was completely surprising and unexpected. I suddenly didn't know my lines, didn't know the song, didn't know what to do.

Except cry out to God.

In music, they say that grace notes can make the song sweet. In this case, I agree.

I was reminded that His grace was for all. I was so angry that I wanted to keep withholding it, to keep myself from feeling anything other than anger towards this person. But it was killing me. And it did not please my Heavenly Father.

How does one let something like this go?

I went on believing that I didn't have grace to offer. That what I had to offer was a paltry offering, not worthy of sharing. But it could mean so much. And God uses all things.

So I gave what I could--this small grace offering to the person I was convinced didn't deserve it. Sigh...the wonders of our gracious God.

Amazingly enough, God turned it to something beautiful. Suddenly, I didn't hate this person. I no longer held what he had done against him and I no longer wanted to see him punished. I wanted him to know that even though I did not love him, God does. I wanted rest for him. I wanted peace for him.

May he find it.

And the grace I extended I realized was the grace that had only been given to me by the only Father that I do call my own.

My Daddy. Abba, Father. It has never meant so much to me than it does now. If it is truly over now, I know I only found it through grace.