Other than catching up on personal e-mails, Facebook messages, and the like, I've realized a few things that I have fallen behind on. I'm not quite halfway through my time away from work, and I've learned so much about myself and the necessity to maintain balance in my life.
Yes, I tend to hide in work. But this time, I actually enjoy my job!
Whenever I have some time to actually take stock of the direction of my life, I realize how much people are infuriated with me. There are some people I have hurt and they are angry that I never say anything. I would be offended if their accusations weren't true.
Yes, I tend not to say anything. I stay quiet, not because I'm removed from the situation, but because I don't know what to say. Here's a lesson on my processes: I am a super sensitive person (that's not new) and very literal (that's also not new). But what that means is, no matter what the intent, if the words are careless, my heart breaks.
And then...I don't say anything.
If the survival modes are fight or flight, I am definitely the latter.
The Bible points out the value of being slow to speak:
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person, be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. --James 1:19-20 (ESV)
The problem when applying this verse to my life, I realize I am not slow to speak. I am just slow. I don't speak.
I shouldn't just speak out of anger, or because I feel the need to say something. I believe we should think before we speak. And we should always speak out of love. The Bible is also clear on careless words.
But I almost must remember that people aren't mind readers. There are some people who are waiting for me to say something. Anything at all...as long as it's real.
I have about five days left before I return to work. And I hope that in that time, I will see the value of speaking instead of just seeking comfort in silence. Apparently, this lesson in speaking up for myself has been a decade long struggle.
We'll see how it goes.
