Pleasant Surprises and Great Expectations

Yes, everyone does a record of the past year and shares their hopes for the new year. This is my shameless attempt to do the same. :D

And for some reason, it is very link happy. I apologize in advance.

If I could describe my 2009, it would be that God never ceases to pleasantly surprise me.

I hope that continues in 2010.

For the most part, I had made my 2009 about a few things. (Yes, Kristin, Lost is one of them). In those things, I came across a few challenges, but for the most part, a lot of celebration and joy over how God has poured his blessings--even in midst of difficult trials. After coming out of 2008, I was unsure, and mostly anxious, over how 2009 would unfold. I am happy to report that this past year was better than I could have expected or planned.

I love the way you love me, Lord.

Like everyone else, when I look back over 2009, I am amazed at the number of things that have happened the past year. I won't share them all, but since this is a 2009 countdown, I will name a few of the notably pleasant surprises...

1. I rediscovered my love for music and my deeply rooted desire to make it a large part of my life. It started with my friend's choir concert last January, which paved the way for me to start leading worship for the 11am service for my church. I also found the beauty of other people enjoying their own love of music. To round out this return to music year, I also attended my high school choir reunion.

2. For the better part of the year, my faith and my choices on how I practice my faith has gone through some tough trials. I wrestled with my former Catholic faith, read a lot of Rob Bell, and listened to some sermons by Pastors Jon and Rob, and Mark Driscoll. But in the end, I came to realize how grateful I am for the choices I had made because in the end, it brought me closer to the God who loves me. I hope that what I had learned about grace would carry me through next year and for the rest of my life.

3. I am really grateful for my job and the organization for which I work. They provide me with so many opportunities to serve and projects that challenge me. But truly, it is the people that I work with that make all the difference. I absolutely enjoy them. You know who you are. And if you don't, I'll do better to show my deep gratitude.

4. Lost nights. Yes, I enjoy the show, but I truly love the company more. This show also helped me reconnect with my friend Kristin. And I wouldn't trade that for the world. It may be reason enough for me to appreciate Team Locke. Or not.

5. I finally went to Washington DC. I haven't had a chance to detail how it has inspired me, but I still carry the beauty of that city in my heart.

6. I was finally given permission to live the life I had always wanted. Now I'm just waiting for God to show me how that life will unfold.

7. My friends are the best.

True, I still hope for those things I had enjoyed this past year to continue and blossom in 2010. I look forward to the triumphs--and challenges (!)--I will face in music and the joys of relationships with those I love. I anticipate learning how to actually enjoy the life I'm trying to live instead of being afraid of it. I will be thankful for what I have instead of constantly wishing things were different. And I hope my days would not be characterized by my typical dark and broody but by my dance of joy.

Now, I am not foolish enough to believe that I will not experience pain next year. In fact, I expect it. But I also expect that in whatever I go through, my God is with me.

It's more than just a Christmas tradition: Emmanuel, God is with us.

Lord God, I believe you are good and sovereign over every detail of my life. And if I know anything, I know that I can wait in expectation of being pleasantly surprised by your great love.

I love the way you love me, Lord.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

--David, Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

Praise the LORD...who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

--David, Psalm 103:1...5 (NIV)

Speak--and say the words no one else will ever say. Love--love like the world is over in a day. I'm gonna show you love like you never had before.

--Jars of Clay, "Show You Love"

oh...and Go Team Ben. I'm rooting for you in 2010. Sorry, Kristin, that Lost reference was for me.

Anticipating a Major Key

O Come, O Come, Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel.

--Latin Translation by John Mason Neale, 1851.

Lyrically and musically, this is one of my favorite Christmas songs.

Typically, the majority of this music piece is sung in a minor key. However, there is one change at the chorus when "Rejoice!" is sung with a major chord. The true beauty is found in the whole; in the tension between the two parts. The beauty would be lost if either of the parts were missing. The song needs both the mournful anticipation and the joyful resolution.

In midst of darkness, there is hope. While waiting during an seemingly endless time of sorrow, joy is found in a promise that the wait will be over.

Today is the first Sunday of the season of Advent. A few stories came across my path that broke my heart. Some of it was personal, some of it from those close to me, and some came from those I don't know but call the town I share with them "home." It breaks my heart to hear these stories, especially at the beginning of the Christmas season.

My heart is broken over the events of this specific day. There are some things I can't understand. There is despair and pain and sorrow. I can't make sense of it in my mind; I can't make it fit in my heart.

My hope for those going through such hard times is that they find comfort in their family and friends; that they find hope in a promise that it will not always be this way. There will come a time when we will reach the end of this, and we will sing in a different key.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

--Paul, Romans 12:15 (ESV)

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

Timing

Time, it seems, has gotten away from me.

I've been so busy lately, running from one thing to the next, that I haven't had time to think, let alone blog.

With summer just around the corner, a lot of the things I am involved in will slow down. As such, I finally have some "free" time. Being someone who thrives on routine, I am not sure what to do with large blocks of time that aren't planned.

However, because I have the chance to slow down, I realized how much I had missed when I was going from one place to another. Hanging out with friends won't seem like meetings, but just time spent together. (Imagine that!) I might get to breathe once in awhile, and go to bed at a decent hour. And maybe I won't always feel like I'm playing catch up in the areas where I fell behind.

Yesterday was further proof of the beauty of free time. I was able to see my friends and actually see them and have a conversation with that lasts more than two minutes. I was able to listen to someone who normally doesn't share what is going on and hear their life story in a rare opportunity I would have missed if I had been running around. I was able to enjoy rehearsal and slow down enough where I got to know the people who play on the worship team week after week. And after that, I was able to play piano for the sake of playing instead of leading or performing.

Life will always have a potential of being busy. But I am sad to think of all the things I would miss if I didn't take the time to just be.

And Never Was Heard a Discouraging Word

But everyone who prophesies speaks to men for their strengthening, encouragement and comfort.
--Paul, 1 Corinthians 14:3

And Saul's son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God.
--Writer of Samuel, 1 Samuel 23:16

I have been encouraged this past week. Some of it was directly said to me, and some of it without my knowledge (well, that is, until someone else told me...). A large portion of encouragement wasn't found in words, but a small action like a smile or a pleasant surprise.

It amazes me what happens when we let our guards down and show someone we care, or that someone cares about us. You can find the confidence you lack when you hear that someone believes you can do anything. You can get through the toughest of storms when you find the support from family and friends. You can find the strength to get up and persevere when someone extends a helping hands. And the best moments of our life can be made more sweet when we are able to share an exciting story with someone who celebrates with you.

At times, our lives are marked by those who had betrayed us, discouraged us, abandoned us, rejected us, broken us. Our hearts are not protected, but rather attacked. The ending result is a shell of a life. I think we forget that we can speak life or death into people's lives. We may not think it means a lot at the time, but what we say and what we do can affect someone in a mighty way.

What we do (or don't do) matters.

All of us may not be able to prophesy the way that Paul had described it, but we can be a good friend. We can be blessings or curses. Of the two, I hope that I can be a blessing.

I have been encouraged by many people this week. And I'm finding that makes all the difference.

Be encouraged, friends.

Lost

Sorry, Kristin, this doesn't have anything to do with my recent obsession with the show you had converted me to. I'm sure I'll write a blog about soon. And yes, I will blame you!

I'll admit that I don't apply myself.

This usually doesn't bother me, but as of late, I have had many encounters with people who have been discovering things about me and reacted with surprise. "Abby, I didn't know you were so [insert compliment here]."

Yes, my friends, Abby hides. She's shy. If you make any sudden moves, she'll run away.

It didn't use to bother me. I was fine with how my life had been unfolding, and I have little to no regrets. I had never wanted to go to graduate school and pursue a professional life. I just wanted a life.

But they don't have classes on how to have a life, or how to get one.

Fine. I'll stop being less vague. I have been offered many opportunities lately, and I haven't taken any of them. Many have asked me why, and all I can offer is, "I don't want to do it."

This, of course, prompts the questions, "What is it that you want to do?"

I don't have a script for that. I lost it along the way, and I am desperate to find out what I am supposed to do next.

To Share a Life

This weekend was good.

My world didn't change, but it's better now.

It probably isn't a secret that I can't sleep very well. Although the option of a sleep clinic isn't completely out of the question, I do know the reasons why I can't sleep. But in true Abby fashion, I avoided things and set up camp in Denial.

Since leaving my castle in Denial, I realize that I can't exactly go back to that way of stale living. I have to deal with things if I hope for anything to change. What is more, there are people in this world outside of Denial. And learning to live with other people is a long process.

But we all have to start somewhere.

So, I shared my frustrations--mainly my disappointment with how my life is turning out, my disappointment with God, my disappointment with myself. I shared this with friends that I trust--those I have just met and one that has walked with me through my journey for a long time.

This is what I discovered about sharing life with others. It's more than sharing sorrows and struggles--you get to share joys and hopes. You can laugh as much as you can cry. And it is in doing both that makes feeling something a good experience instead of one we try to avoid.

So I cried, my hands shaking uncontrollably as I revealed what truly bothered me. And then I laughed until tears joyfully fell from my eyes.

Nothing was solved. The problems didn't go away. And I am still anxious about the unknown. I still hope for things that I am not sure I will ever be able to receive. But I would choose to share my life instead of merely existing in a lonely one.

And I hope that in doing so, I can finally get some sleep.

Better

Well, I didn't get any work done on the project I had mentioned in my last blog.

Which, surprisingly enough, didn't add to the stress I had been feeling for most of my day yesterday.

In the time I spent not working on my project, I walked with God, talked with friends, went to my friend's son's first birthday party and drank coffee. I also attended a choir concert (which I enjoyed thoroughly, by the way. Sigh. I miss being in a choir) and celebrated my cousin's wedding engagement. My mind suddenly wasn't plagued by anxious thoughts of the unknown. I enjoyed the people God had placed in my life, and was pleasantly surprised by how wonderful they all are and how rich my life is because of them.

Life doesn't always work out the way we hoped.

Sometimes it's better.

Drowning, Sleeplessness and Things that End

Recently, I posted on my Facebook status that I love the rain.

I still do, but I don't necessarily like to swim to work. This past rain storm was ridiculous. For the record, I still love the rain...I hate floods.

Oh Gene Kelly, why must you make singing in the rain seem like so much fun?

The other gnat in my ear is that I haven't been able to sleep the past couple of nights. This, of course, is not surprising to many people. But now, it has taken a different dimension. My downstairs neighbor has taken to leaving his bathroom fan on. I don't know if it is on purpose or if he is that forgetful, or if he is housing some sort of drug ring (I blame this on the lack of sleep). My bathroom is above his, and the sound is loudest there. But my bedroom shares a wall with the bathroom, and the white noise from the fan has transfromed my bedroom into an airplane hangar.

I didn't mind the first time my neighbor had done this a few weeks ago. But it has been three nights this week. And since my insomnia has returned, this little annoyance is really getting to me.

I'm hoping that I won't be too cranky today.

I calmed down a bit this morning when I "woke" up, and left him a lovely note. I pray he reads it and complies without too much trouble.

As for the last part of the title on my blog (hmmm...January's blog titles are turning to be quite long. December was obviously my minimalist title phase), my temporary position at work is ending in three weeks. I won't share all that is going through my mind, but needless to say, I am not a fan of change. I don't like things to end, but I suppose I can't change that.

Everything changes in the end.

Unexpected Joys

I won't lie. 2008 did not start well. As I ventured into the first fifteen days of 2008, I found myself looking at a year full of disappointment, shame, heartache.

However, I am happy to say that 2008 did not end up that way. Yes, the aforementioned things did occur as expected, but there was also pure joy, happiness, healing, peace and blessings upon blessings.

God is good all the time.

2009 is fast approaching (already here in some places that are not in this hemisphere) I find myself looking forward to all the expected and unexpected joys ahead. I am not sure what is in store for me in 2009, but as I had mentioned before, I am afraid of the unknown. I like to be sure of the things ahead and plan accordingly. Which, I'm finding, leads to disappointment and failure.

All the time God is good.

Thankfully, God is still God. Based on what the latter half of 2008 has shown me, it is always better when he does it.

Everything becomes a pleasant surprise.

Breathing Lessons

It has been a very interesting, wonderful week.

And I'm not used to this feeling at all.

I am bursting at the seams with so much joy that I can hardly recognize myself. I'm not used to being the goofy girl. Yes, some circumstances are still hard but I can't help but hold onto the hope that everything really, truly is going to be all right.

However, with me still being me, doubt rises and I am troubled by my own experience with joy. I'm not used to having it be this way. Will I still have hope if the joy goes away? What if the next breath I take isn't as sweet as the one before? It's hard not to run with this feeling with the fear that it will go away.

I suppose that is the journey--to be in content in every and any circumstance.

But first, I need to learn how to breathe.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
--Paul, Letter to the Romans, Chapter 12, Verse 12.

On Hold

I have an ususually high filter.

I often hold back to spare someone feelings--mine or someone else's. I often hold back because I don't want to be in the way. But mostly I hold back because I don't believe that what I have to offer is worth much of anything.

One of my biggest frustrations in playing the piano is that I feel like I'm constantly holding back. Now, this isn't to say that I'm really awesome at the piano (because I'm not) or because the worship team needs me to play louder (because that isn't always the case) but I am frustrated that I am not able to express what I truly feel.

Now, my current experience with playing with team (which is a different blog) is just an example. This is a common theme with my frustrations in general. I don't express much of anything in my heart and I usually cover it with what is in my mind.

And it is exhausting.

There has to a balance to all of this. I don't want to become a flood of feelings or a droning intellectual. But I'm struggling to figure out how to express and share in a way that glorifies God and stop holding back.

I hope that if I have a lower setting on my filter, I can still be a blessing.

Joyful Distraction

It has been an eventful week. And of course, I want to take a break.

I started reading my books on Scotland again, once again resuming my affair with Scotsmen, their rich history, landscape, and kilts.

Don't even get me started on the devastatingly adoring accent.

It amazes me that even after a trial that could consume me for days, life resumes it frantic rhythm. How easily the devil tries to distract us from what is really important. But I hope that i will not win over me. I cannot be so immature to think I can do anything on my own. I cannot stray far from the grip of God.

But I must confess: I am not used to this feeling of freedom, of lightness in step. Yes, things are still hard, and the road may still seem forever long. There are pains in this world that need our attention and prayer, and I am not immune from pain.

But it is nice to breathe again; to smile that doesn't reflect sadness, but geunine peace and happiness. God spoke into my life when he gave me my name, and I hope that in any telling of the story of my life so far, it will be a source of joy.

Trials never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is feeling now, that was not here before, and is not just on the surface of things, but penetrates all the way through: we've won it. Its going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things.
--Robert M. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainence"

Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
--Anais Nin

I have come so that you may have life to the full.
--Jesus, John 10:10

Weight Loss

I've been working on it for awhile. I wasn't sure if that day will come, but I dreamt about it.

If I did my hair one way, if I wore this sweater or this shirt, if I worked out, maybe I'll see it.

If had enough counseling or memorized enough Bible verses, maybe I'll be over it.

If I played the piano in a certain way, wrote the perfect story, did enough good deeds at church so they won't betray me, I'll finally believe it.

But I didn't see it coming. I didn't know how much I had lost until I finally gave up trying. And today, it happened. I was going to the restroom and I caught my reflection in the mirror.

And I didn't hate myself. I looked at the mirror and only saw beauty staring back. In that moment I believed that I was finally happy with myself.

I hadn't realized how much weight I had carried hating and hiding from myself.

Release

The struggle is finally over...ish. (I'm sure another one is in the horizon).

I am always sad when things end. I hate when things end and when I have to walk away. But I came to this realization that the decision wasn't mine. God made my decision and asked me to obey. My decision was to obey.

As with most things, it was easier than I had thought. It was still hard to put my foot down, turn on my heel and walk away, but it wasn't the soul-breaking thing I had feared.

I hate hurting people's feelings. I hate breaking people's hearts. But its not my decision. I don't see the bigger picture that God does. All he wants me to do is obey.

Funny thing is, once I followed up my words with action, the release that I had been seeking for so long finally came upon me. I could no longer remember why I was fighting.

I just hope I remember this when the inevitable storm on the horizon appears and I end up with the same kind of struggles. And maybe this time, I'll be quick to obey instead of wondering how I can hold my breath and survive on my own.

I wish for many things. But this isn't about wishes. This is about choices. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong? --Buffy

Struggling with a Sure Thing

You'll never be a better kind if you don't leave the world behind.
--Weezer, "Keep Fishin'"

Right now, I'm watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the Johnny Depp version)...and apparently listening to Weezer.

As most of you know, my very first chapter book was a hardcover edition of Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was a well loved book--despite the scary illustrations from the original illustrator. (Believe me, the new editions now available in bookstores pale in comparison). My copy is still on my bookshelf.

At any rate, I'm watching the scene that is not part of the original story. In Tim Burton's version, Charlie, after a once-in-a-lifetime visit to the infamous chocolate factory, turns down Willy Wonka's offer to live with him and inherit the factory.

Charlie loved his family so much, that he could not bear to be apart from them, even if it meant having everything he had thought he had wanted. His wildest dreams were about to come true--but without his family, it meant nothing.

In other words, he walked away from a sure thing because other things matter more.

Of course, because this is a children's story, there is a happy ending. Sweet Charlie Bucket wins Willy Wonka's heart and they end up with a shared family and a chocolate factory. Not bad for a young kid with exceptional sense of integrity.

If only integrity was that easy to come by. If only life could be tailored to such happy endings. But it's not always the case. The decision isn't always as easy as they make it in the movies. At times, it is a struggle to obey.

However, I'm convinced that if we forget what really matters, we are likely settle for the sure thing and miss out on the real treasure that awaits us.

We may not always get the chocolate factory on this side of heaven.

Can we surrender our concern for the things that don't matter and live the rest of our lives for the things that do? --Tony Snow

Riding a Bike

First, I apologize for my last blog. It was a pure rant. And I usually process better before laying out my frustrations for everyone (well, the two people who read this) to see.

Funny thing is, as I was moping about my insignficance and my silent offering, I was writing my blog in the coffee shop. It was then I realized there was a line wrapping around the tables. This isn't unusual, but it looked like the shop needed some help.

So, I offered to help. To my surprise, they said yes.

As I rounded the counter and washed my hands, I rush of panic hit me. Its been nearly two years since I've been a barista...would I just be in the way? If I was in the way, it would be the pickle to my crap sandwich that is this whole week.

The stupid cliche is true. (I suppose it wouldn't be cliche, if it weren't a bit true) It was like riding a bike. I called out drinks, served pastries, prepped cups, steamed milk. I doubled-barred with the new kid and let him pull the shots while I told him which milk went for which drink. I even made conversation with the customers while I made a breakfast sandwich.

Now, this isn't my pining for my days at 6th and Pine. For the 30 minutes that I was behind the bar, I never lost sight that I did not want to do this for the rest of my life. I missed the thrill of a line to the door. I missed the communication and team work for a single goal. I missed meeting new people and making small talk with customers.

And even though I may never get to help in this way again, I do realize that God allowed it to show me that he does see significance in my presence--especially when I don't.

I am thankful that he can use broken, empty vessels like myself to be a blessing to a small group of people.

Its nice to be needed.

What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Nothing. Aboslutely nothing.

I drank coffee. Watched the Olympics...er...swimming. I hung out with friends. Almost got stranded at Owens Beach at high tide...twice. Slept in until 7 AM. Had midnight conversations and Worship Team practice. Helped out with registration at Sports Camp. Took pictures of nothing at all. Celebrated my best friend's engagement.

Although that doesn't sound exciting to many of you, it was for me. I got a chance to connect with people I haven't in a long time, and discovered the joy of new friends. I took a deep breath and rested.

And I drank a lot of coffee.

Life is back to normal, the routine has resumed. And I miss the world that I rested in a week ago.

But now its time to do some good in it.

All the World's a Stage

Ok. I'm taking a brief break from a blog about the Olympics and swimming...ish.

Other than the Olympics, a conversation theme that has come up this week stemmed from a discussion about stages of life. Everyone, it seems, to be discontent with their current stage of life. They express either anticipating the next stage ahead (as if these stages are progressive...but that's another blog) or reminiscing about the good times they had experienced in the stage they had left behind.

The paradox of the life experience...looking ahead while appreciating the past, all the the while, not letting the present past them by.

My current experience is one of slight jealousy and sadness. I see so many of my friends progressing to the next stage "ahead," and for those who have children, a few stages ahead of me. I often feel left behind; that everyone gets to move on because they have passed some magical "test" of some sort while I have yet to take the first exam.

I often wonder if something is wrong with me.

Now, I don't actually believe that there is something wrong with me or that there is a test to pass. I don't believe that the next stage is a reward for conquering the present stage. But I do feel left behind and that I am, somehow, missing out on something great.

Maybe on the world stage, I'm not meant to play a romantic lead, or even the sidekick with the sub-plot relationship.

I suppose it is always a struggle for us to find satisfaction in the stage we're in. And like humilty, (which, I'm finding is a metaphor for most things) once I realize I have it, it's gone; when I'm satisfied with this stage, I'm no longer in that stage.

In the end, I just don't want to be left behind, and I am not exactly sure if I am the one who can fix it.

Ok...Olympic sidenote: Phelps, Lochte and Peirsol all swim tonight. Its going to be exciting races for all three of them. Watch out for Lochte...he's amazing! Maybe his drive to climb out of the shadows of Phelps and Peirsol will be enough to give him gold. I suppose I relate to him somehow. Never underestimate the underdog.

Chasing Rainclouds

Apparently, it didn't rain.
But it didn't ruin my mood.
I had fun and I am finally at peace with myself.

Come Rain or Come Shine

So, here's the deal.

They say that it never rains on July 27th. I don't know if that's true, but it hasn't rained on that day in my memory...or more accurately, since I started keeping track. And for 10 years, it hasn't rained. For some reason that only makes sense to me, I keep wishing it would rain on this day. God, and certainly not the weather, has anything to prove to me by raining on the It-Never-Rains day, but I made myself a little bet:

If it rained, I would move on because I would know for sure that everything is going to be all right.

Tomorrow will be the 11th year of me keeping track of this insane experiment. And I've come to this conclusion. I have been, for too long now, making my life about one single moment that just happens to be on this It-Never-Rains day. As always, since it takes me forever to get some place, I finally am sick of it. My life isn't the sum a single moment. Sure, a lot of things have changed as a result of it, but my life is about something much bigger and much better than that. That is what I choose to live for come tomorrow.

And the day after that.

And hopefully, more days after that. :-)

I'm gonna love you like nobody's loved you. Come rain or come shine.