Something Beautiful

"Have I your permission?" said the Angel to the Ghost.
"I know it will kill me."
"It won't. But supposing it did?"
"You're right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature."
"Than I may?"
"Damn and blast you! Go on can't you? Get it over. Do what you like," bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, "God help me. God help me."
Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such I never heard on Earth. The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed, on the turf...
"Nothing, not even the best and the noblest, can go on as it now is..."
--C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

I haven't slept in three days.

Which, apparently, is the only way to make me cry.

I kept saying, "I obeyed the Lord. Albeit a little late, but I did obey. Why this torment? Why am I still struggling with something that means nothing to me?"

Apparently, obedience often opens doors for a major spiritual attack. Nothing makes the Evil One more angry than a Child of God falling more in love with her Father and wanting to do more to please Him.

And so, the evil one played his dirty tricks. He twisted the thorn in my side to make me curse God. And God allowed it, not to torment me, but because he was creating something beautiful.

In the story above, the reptile turns into a stallion and the man into a glorious soldier. He let go of the reptile and let it be killed; not knowing what would happen, only knowing that something had to be better than how he was living now. He can no longer stand to be tempted by the creature he had treated as a pet. The reptile turned into something beautiful, and the man found himself also changed.

The reptile was a metaphor for lust, but we all have our tormentors. Even if we don't know what they look like. I have ignored mine for so long, but now, I can't. It was revealed in a beautiful conversation with someone God used to show me love and comfort. (Thank you, my friend. You are beautiful to me.) Now that I know this reptile's name, will I let it die? Will I cry out to God for help?

Hosanna. You are the God that saves us.

Although it is not promised, my hope is that He will create something beautiful, and perhaps, I, too, will be changed.

He has to come through. He hasn't yet, but I have to believe that he has to come through in this area that I had not let anyone touch.

The one who calls you is faithful and will do it. --Paul, 1 Thessalonians, 5:14.

Of course I am still hurting, but we're not done. Not yet. And that is a very good thing.

I Think They're Finally on to Us...

I was at the Y this morning and unfortunately, the only thing on TV other than the innovative flat iron that can shorten the beautifying of a woman's unruly curly hair by minutes, was the analysis of last night's Presidential Debate.

However, because I am me, my eyes did wander to the analysis. Apparently, the analysts had moved on from discussing the issues to a poll they had taken regarding who won in terms of how the candidates presented themselves.

It's the Nixon/Kennedy debate all over again.

So, this particular television newscrew had polled two groups of independent voters. (Yes, I thought that was an odd phrase, too) In keeping with the theme of the debate, there was no clear winner. Predictable.

As I'm listening to Black Eyed Peas ask me "Where is the love?", I read this caption as it glides on the screen: "The biggest surprise was that people are looking for different things than analysts are. They see things differently."

Apparently, analysts are surprised that they are different than us. I'm waiting for them to realize that the average voter doesn't care about spending hours analyzing polling data, predicting voting trends or interpreting spin. We're looking for someone to trust, and political analysts are not on the short list.

Seriously, for me, it's like finding gold.

Red Shoes

I am on a mission.

In a random series of events, I've been thinking a lot about The Wizard of Oz. It was my favorite movie growing up, and I have this vague memory of waking up and immediately asking my grandparents to put the videotape in the VCR.

I own that tape to this day, complete with the CBS logo and the commercials of a time long gone by. (Ask me about the McDonalds ad. Sigh. I don't miss the jingle at all.) I have long debated purchasing the DVD version that would fully capture and preserve the movie in all its Technicolor beauty. I'm afraid it just won't be the same without the commercial interruptions.

Also, growing up, I wanted to be Dorothy. From the curly hair, to the blue dress with a bow in the back, and of course, the ruby slippers--I wanted to be her.

Of course, my dreams were dashed when someone in school told me that I could never be Dorothy because my skin color didn't quite match.

Silly Kindergartners.

Which brings me back to my mission. I won't buy the blue dress, but I am going to find a pair of red shoes. I don't think I have ever bought a pair of shoes that wasn't black or brown. But I will get some color in my life. I will own that pair of red shoes.

Gotta love the silliness. Thanks for indulging me!

Release

The struggle is finally over...ish. (I'm sure another one is in the horizon).

I am always sad when things end. I hate when things end and when I have to walk away. But I came to this realization that the decision wasn't mine. God made my decision and asked me to obey. My decision was to obey.

As with most things, it was easier than I had thought. It was still hard to put my foot down, turn on my heel and walk away, but it wasn't the soul-breaking thing I had feared.

I hate hurting people's feelings. I hate breaking people's hearts. But its not my decision. I don't see the bigger picture that God does. All he wants me to do is obey.

Funny thing is, once I followed up my words with action, the release that I had been seeking for so long finally came upon me. I could no longer remember why I was fighting.

I just hope I remember this when the inevitable storm on the horizon appears and I end up with the same kind of struggles. And maybe this time, I'll be quick to obey instead of wondering how I can hold my breath and survive on my own.

I wish for many things. But this isn't about wishes. This is about choices. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong? --Buffy

My Castle in Denial

I'm moving.

I'm closing up my castle in Denial and moving on. To where? Hopefully a chocolate factory.

The situation that I have eluded to for the past few months has overwhelmed me. I can't handle it any more. I haven't been able to handle it for a long time, but it has to stop.

I was talking to one of my co-workers and she shared with me about a hard decision she had to make. (You are amazing, my friend!) And it dawned on me how I have avoided the decision laid before me.

I didn't believe that God would give me the courage I needed to make the decision. I didn't believe that God would comfort me when I went through the effects of my decision. And I didn't believe that I deserved any more than what I was experiencing these past few months.

This is why I must move out of Denial.

God has so much planned for me, but I can't get anywhere with him if I don't leave this place. And my decision not to make a decision was a choice I made. And a poor one at that.

So here I go. I'm making a choice. And I don't care if it is right or wrong. I'm making a choice to follow God.

And he doesn't dwell in Denial.

You'll never be a better kind if you don't leave the world behind.
--Weezer, "Keep Fishin'"

Struggling with a Sure Thing

You'll never be a better kind if you don't leave the world behind.
--Weezer, "Keep Fishin'"

Right now, I'm watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the Johnny Depp version)...and apparently listening to Weezer.

As most of you know, my very first chapter book was a hardcover edition of Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was a well loved book--despite the scary illustrations from the original illustrator. (Believe me, the new editions now available in bookstores pale in comparison). My copy is still on my bookshelf.

At any rate, I'm watching the scene that is not part of the original story. In Tim Burton's version, Charlie, after a once-in-a-lifetime visit to the infamous chocolate factory, turns down Willy Wonka's offer to live with him and inherit the factory.

Charlie loved his family so much, that he could not bear to be apart from them, even if it meant having everything he had thought he had wanted. His wildest dreams were about to come true--but without his family, it meant nothing.

In other words, he walked away from a sure thing because other things matter more.

Of course, because this is a children's story, there is a happy ending. Sweet Charlie Bucket wins Willy Wonka's heart and they end up with a shared family and a chocolate factory. Not bad for a young kid with exceptional sense of integrity.

If only integrity was that easy to come by. If only life could be tailored to such happy endings. But it's not always the case. The decision isn't always as easy as they make it in the movies. At times, it is a struggle to obey.

However, I'm convinced that if we forget what really matters, we are likely settle for the sure thing and miss out on the real treasure that awaits us.

We may not always get the chocolate factory on this side of heaven.

Can we surrender our concern for the things that don't matter and live the rest of our lives for the things that do? --Tony Snow

Secret Judgment and Pleasant Surprises

I've been thinking a lot about trust.

Who do I trust? Do I trust anyone? If so, what do I trust them with? My life? My thoughts? My dreams? My secrets?

There was a running joke a few years back about my trust issues. I do, in fact, trust people. And if you got all 17 people together you will catch a glimpse of who I really am. It's not that I don't think people will keep a secret--I just fear their judgment of what I have to share.

Having been burned before, I'm not likely to share a whole lot with anyone. I am sorry that people in the past of ruined it for those in presently in my life and for those I have yet to meet. But, I am working on it.

Today was the first real good day for a long while. It hasn't drastically changed my trust issues, but I believe that there are still people in the world who still want to do some good in it. There is a lot of pain and sorrow and hurt here. I see it everywhere I go. But I love it when God shows me the love and good and hope people are capable of demonstrating...even if it is found in the most unlikely of places.

I'm not as naive to start trusting people. We still have to be mindful to guard our hearts. But every once in awhile, people...even in the depths of their sorrow...can still surprise me.

And sometimes its enough to keep me going.

Anyone Remember How to Set the Time on a VCR?

I'm regressing a little.

My sister was getting rid of some of her movies on VHS. She has pretty much duplicated her collection on DVD, so I inherited these little black boxes that hold film in ribbon form. Since Friday, I have been watching through some of these tapes, laughing at a time gone by.

There are some favorites like Dirty Dancing and Apollo 13. And there are those that are guilty pleasures from high school such as She's All That and Bring It On. (Yes, I admit that I do enjoy a Kirstin Dunst (ack) movie.)

Sure, a weekend of embracing the cheese isn't exactly the best use of my time. But I don't mind every once in awhile rediscovering the things that used to entertain me--even if they are accompanied by the hum of my rarely used, nearly antiquated VCR.

Good times, good times.

Refreshment

Its no secret. I'm tired.

Exhausted. Sleep-deprived. Insomniac. Stressed. In pain.

And so, I'm going to the fair today with my sister and company in hopes of finding some mindless refreshment. I hopes of doing so, I may breath in deep and enjoy life.

At least experience it while awake.

All Go and No Quit

I apologize for the past few entries. I promise to be more fun instead of this person I usually filter in public. However, it is good to catalog how God is working, even if we don't see it. Thank you for going through this journey with me...even if it is vague. :-)

I don't have a whole lot to say other than this...in the recent trial I had mentioned, God claimed victory.

No, the circumstances certainly have not changed, and I don't forsee it going away any time soon. But God led me to this place where I don't necessarily want it to. Sure, there is pain. Lots of pain. I might actually shed a tear or two. But I believe something good is going to happen here.

I asked for a sign. And I found it in the Word.

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary or lose heart. --Writer of Hebrews, Hebrews
12:3

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themelves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. --Peter, 1 Peter 4:12-13, 19

Let us not become weary in doing good for we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. --Paul, Galatians 6:9

My comfort is not worth someone else's eternity.

There are more verses, and I'd love to share them with anyone who actually asks. I have no "miracle story" other than what happened in my heart this morning and what I hope happens in someone's heart soon. I won't let the pain stop me from going to the throne of God and asking for his love and grace to extend to those who have hurt me. Sure, there will be more tests (probably more after I post this blog) that will certainly "throw" me or distract me, but I am confident that it is happening because God is doing something BIG and BEAUTIFUL here.

I have faith. It isn't because I may or may not get everything I want. It isn't because the gap between desire and reality will shrink. It isn't because I can take the pain (I certainly cannot--only Jesus).

I have faith because I believe God works in all things. Pain and struggles are nothing new to Jesus. Even though I feel he is far away, he is here as I go through...whatever it is I am going through. And that is the reason why I will continue. I will keep going. I will never give up doing good.

All go and no quit.

My comfort is not worth someone else's eternity.

And to the person who I am writing this for...keep praying. God hears you and will answer you. Everything is going to be all right.

I'm Not Crazy...er, at Least I'm Not Wrong...

I don't know what happened, but Saturday night, I completely snapped.

And come Sunday evening, I had rearranged my apartment.

Usually, when I am in a mood, I am more of the dark and broody nature. But this time, it was completely manic. Nothing wasn't inherently wrong, but I knew something was coming. Really, I'm not crazy.

I wasn't wrong. But since I don't want to necessarily talk about it, I will say that confessing that Jesus is the Christ and that your life is not your own usually opens doors to tests, trials and temptations. Although I was correct in my assumption that something was coming, I had no idea that it would come so soon.

So...here I am, sitting in my rearranged apartment reminded of my manic episode and the confession that I will not be trapped by my circumstances. And I wonder what will come out of this testing--if it will prove my faith or reaffirm my fears.

Give me a sign. Let me know you're here. I won't give up if you won't give up. --Train, "Angels."

The Trappings of These Present Circumstances

You think you can hold me. --Kitsunigari, X-Files.

It's an X-Files quote, yes, but hey...I've been pretty good about holding back on these things that constantly run though my mind

How about one from the Word?

[We are] sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor yet making others rich; having nothing and yet possessing everything. -Paul, 2 Corinthians 6:10

Considering my last post, this has been a current struggle. I felt trapped by my own circumstances and the consequences of the choices I had made; presently and in the past. In other words, I was pretending not to be dark and broody when the contrary was very much my reality. It is a struggle, I suppose, to not feel trapped by one's own circumstances. Yes, there is sorrow, but there is much joy. Yes, we may feel like we have nothing, but we have everything we could ever hope for.

We are different. The trappings of this world cannot hold us. Jesus died for our sins, conquered death. These are the things we talk about. But what about these present circumstances?

Because of the love of Christ, we are not held by these circumstances. Yes, we suffer/rejoice due to the consequences of the choices we make, but we are not left alone in them. We are not left alone in death. We are not left alone in our sorrow. We are not left alone in our despair. And people wonder what makes this all possible and we are reluctant to point to the source.

We have a hope that does not disappoint. That is what makes us different. And yet, people who witness our lives are left wondering why we don't live out the hope that we profess.

What would someone say if they witnessed my current struggle? Would they say that I was trapped, or that I was different because they saw a supernatural miracle? And if asked, would my answer be of despair or of hope?

These present circumstances say that they can hold me. But I write this unusual preachy blog to state the following:

My life is not my own; I belong to someone greater than the one that is in this world. And I can, with confidence, say that they cannot hold me because nothing can separate me from the love of Jesus Christ.

Checking In...

Hmm...so I've been in hibernation mode. Not my typical dark and broody mode, but I am definitely in isolation.

And I don't know why, either.

Also, I've been angrier lately. Not the typical, "I'm-annoyed-and-people-drive-me-crazy" roll of the eyes. This is, fist in the air, yelling at the world, flying off the handle kind of angry.

Again, I don't know why.

So, I guess its that time again, where God and I need to have a conversation. Right now, its the silent treatment. Reading his Word daily has become routine instead of an open moment for life change. But at least I'm getting something, even if it isn't making it through this hollow tin chest!

I'm not really sure what to say to him other than life isn't turning out the way that I thought it would by now and it's frustrating me. And of course, like everyone else, I want to know if everything is going to be all right. :-)

Goal Setting

Normally, I don't set goals.

The last time I had set a goal was in January. Of 2007.

But in light of the Olympics and the lack of focus in my life, I believe now would be a good time to start setting some goals. I suppose it is fitting since it is September 1st. And as I usually run on a normal public school schedule, so the timing is perfect.

Go God. :-)

So here we go:

1. Finish the first draft of a book (that I actually intend to publish) by January 20, 2009. Yes, its Inaguaral Day! I'm not looking forward to it at all. [insert sacrasm here!]

Sidebar: No, I don't intend to have every goal be centered around a political timetable. It was only a coincidence. Really.

2. Reach healthy body weight by Fall 2009.
3. Save money for trip to England for my next vacation, Summer 2009. Anyone want to come?

All right. Here goes.

The only thing to do is jump over the moon.