It is what it is

My heart is full of things my brain doesn't understand.

All I want to do is cry, but all I've done is stare at this computer screen for fifteen minutes. No one can make it right. And no can make it different. There are some things in life that weren't meant to make sense, and ironically enough, death is one of those things.

It is what it is.

Please pray for my friend Elizabeth. Her husband, Klinton, passed away today. He was only 23.

They have two young children. We are thankful they were able to say goodbye and spend their last moments together. It is never enough time and it is always too soon. But we are thankful for the time we are given.


Even if we do take it for granted sometimes.

I'll miss you, Klinton. You were always one of my favorite youth kids. But I think you knew that. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.

Today has been brought to you by...the letters "I" and "N"

This isn't going to be a happy blog.

I don't know why it is, but there are just some people in my life who, through no fault of their own, make me feel very inadequate. They don't have to do anything, but whenever I have to spend prolonged periods of time with them, I feel all my insecurities come out. It's annoying, I know, but I just can't help myself. These people tend to remind me of how untalented I am and I just don't belong in their little club.

Let me be a little bit specific. As of late, I've been loving this musician thing I'm finding in myself again. I haven't really played music in a long time and I keep forgetting that there are people in the place I live that don't even know that I play piano and are surprised when they find out that I do.
I've kept my little "talent" a secret for seven years, and now that it's out, I've been loving every moment of rediscovering my heart beat.

Until tonight.

I don't know why it happens, but it happens every single time. I get to this moment when I know that my happiness bubble is going to burst, and the unwitting bubble burster infiltrates my giddy world by putting doubt into my mind. And when I doubt, I pull back. And when I pull back, I get frustrated because I know better. But I just can't get over that feeling that I can't do this and that maybe I really am not cut out for this.

All because I feel inadequate.

Yes, I'm insecure. This is not a call for an intervention on my insecurities with my identity or my hidden pride issues. I know I've got them. You, Dear Reader, have them too, so I don't think I can take any advice on how to get over it--so don't even try. I am convinced that someday I'll feel like myself and it will be ok. But for the moment, I feel like crawling into a hole and crying because I can't seem to make myself remember that what I have to offer is good enough...

...and more than adequate.

But don't you worry. I'll get over it. I always do. These people are just unwitting players who, for some reason, I give more power over me than I intended. I guess they don't understand that they hurt my feelings so many times before and that we're just beyond repair. And every time we're in the same room, all I can remember is the pain and the fact that I don't measure up to their high standard, as the have pointed out so many times before. But the moment will pass quickly and the little blip in my happy bubble will scar over and life will be good again.

I just can't guarantee that I'll have as much fun.

Something...

Try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you. Don't you know that everything's all right?

I haven't written in a long while, but my mind is just full of so many things right now, that I can't seem to make sense out of anything. But after holding my breath for a long time, I was truly surprised by a moment tonight that I didn't think would bring me so much comfort.

No mysteries were solved and no plan was set into motion to make everything all right. It was just comfort and being and proof that I mean something to someone. Even if I didn't express it very well very well, that small gesture meant more to me than anything has in a long time.

I wish I could say more than this...but I can't. But what I will say is that there are not a lot of moments that take me by surprise. And I will never take those moments of brief sweet reprieve for granted ever again.

In the end, its the small things that make the biggest difference. I guess that means...something.

Currently listening : Polaroids: A Greatest Hits Collection By Shawn Colvin