I lent voice to thought and that was a mistake

Ever since I moved to Tacoma, I realized how much I don't have a voice.

I can speak, and sometimes people listen. And for the first couple of years, I thought I had a place where I have influence, significance. However, those years are long gone, and I am still struggling to find a place where I just wasn't a work horse, but someone who has opinions, thoughts, and something of value to say.

Apparently, it only happens in my head and when I am in school.

I wish I had gone to graduate school.

Oh...my story. So, a few months ago, I found myself in a position where my opinions seemed to be heard and actually valued. It was great to be part of something again after being apart for so long. However, that abruptly ended due to a string of events that I had no control over.
I feel like life's a tease at times, where good things happen for as long as you don't actually say out loud that it is good. Why does it seem like whenever we say we are happy, we're suddenly not? If people really learned their lesson, they would never say that they are happy so that bad things won't happen.

So...I'm back in this non-existent, workhorse oriented, voiceless place of service and I wonder if maybe I was never meant to be an influential leader and I should stop trying. I have spent so much time being the make-it-happen-girl, that the few weeks where I actually felt like I was part of a team was a great experience that I thoroughly enjoyed. If I ever get to that point again where I felt like I was part of moving mountains instead of the one printing out the hiking guides to those mountains, I won't say anything about how I actually enjoyed it. I won't make that same mistake again.

Maybe all I have to offer is a silent tongue and a listening ear. It's not bad, but it isn't always fun.

And perhaps I am not good in saying things. But I don't want to feel like I never could be the more that I hope I could become.

Currently watching : Gone with the Wind (Four-Disc Collector's Edition)