Dance of Joy

It's been a long December, and a frustratingly torturous two months. But after a long winter season of foolishness, I came to this realization...

...dance anyway.

Welcome back, Dance of Joy.

After much prayer from my friends, a convicting and uplifting lecture at BSF yesterday (Monday) night, and a few conversations sharing a common theme, I was finally brought to the point where I just yearned to hear from God.

Holy Spirit, won't you help me understand? Holy Spirit, won't you say a prayer for me with your groanings?

--Jennifer Knapp, "Trinity"

I was reading 1 John 2:9-11 and realized that there was so much bitterness and hatred in my heart. I had become so blinded by my foolishness that it was clear why I had no direction. I could see nothing but my bitterness. Once I let it go, the answer seemed so simple. So easy.

And I haven't stopped smiling since.

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for bringing me this far. Thank you that you are always at work--especially when I cannot see the answers to my prayers. I am encouraged by your love. May you strengthen my faith for your glory.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

--Paul, Galatians 6:9 (NIV)

Dance of joy, may you never end.

Rebuilding on a Fountain of Tears

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

--Paul, Galatians 6:2

I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again.

--Steven Page & Stephen Duffy, "Call and Answer"

Hmmm...my blog titles are getting longer and longer. I will try to remedy that next time.

I don't like crying in front of other people. And since I can't hide in public, it's a nightmare when I can't stop crying and I still have to play piano in front of a group of people that I see every Sunday morning.

Thankfully, most of the time, no one notices.

But today, I was an emotional wreck. I got up on stage and did the best I could to play the song while trying to wipe away my tears without attracting attention. However, after the song had ended, I couldn't stop crying.

Apparently, even after all my mental processing the past several weeks, I still needed to cry. Crying, I suppose, has its merits. My mind can ferret out what ails me. My mind can work out the solution to the problem. But sometimes, my heart can't catch up with my mind, and crying seems to be the only thing that helps.

I don't like crying in front of people. But I know how blessed I am to have people around me who don't mind. I am thankful for my friends who sit with me when I can't stop crying and take the time to sit with me and listen to me. And I am even more grateful for the grace they extend when all I have to offer are my tears.

Failure doesn't always mean defeat. Crying doesn't always mean I've failed.

Now that the crying has ceased, the hard work begins. I am grateful for those who walk by me to help me back up onto my feet and encourage me to try again.

Now it's time to prove that you've come back here to rebuild.

--Steven Page and Stephen Duffy, "Call and Answer"

Ebenezers In Midst of Disappointing Discouragement

Don't tell me what I can't do.

--Ben Linus** to John Locke, LOST "The Brig"

Ebenezer: a memorial, usually established to remember what God has done for a person or a group of people.

I've been thinking about the past year.

It always amazes me that only a year has gone by. I can't even recount all that has happened in a year; at times, it feel likes like that it seemed that a lifetime had passed between memories.

This time last year, I was anxious about many certain changes in the horizon. This time last year, my heart would be changed and music would reenter my life. This time last year, I had many hopes--some of which had come into fruition and others that have yet to be fulfilled.

However, in the past several weeks, I had been disappointed and discouraged. What I had hoped for seemed to be out of reach and slipping away, and I didn't know if trying mattered any longer. I refused to quit, but I wasn't engaging in the battle to continue, either.

I suppose the biggest reason why looking back means so much to me is that I was near ready to give up on certain things that I have wanted for so long. And somehow, it is in remembering how far I've come that helps me put my life in a more encouraging perspective.

Lord God, you are always at work and you have brought me this far. I pray you will forgive me for the times when I despair in my disappointment. I wait in eager expectation to see where You will take me next. When faced with doubt, may I have faith. When I am faced with despair, may I always choose hope.

Especially when people tell me that I can't.

**Ok. I know that I should give Locke the credit for the quote above, especially since this repeated phrase is mostly attributed to him. But I'm on Team Ben--would you expect anything different from me?

The Joy of Navy Issue Pea Coats and Feeling Young

It's not a secret that I absolutely adore my grandfather.

Sometime in November, my grandfather made a comment about my pea coat. I've had my coat for years, but apparently it was new to him.

Suddenly, his eyes glazed over as his mind ran through his memories of a time gone by. He reminisced about his time in the Navy, and mentioned that he had a pea coat similar to mine when he was a cadet. He noted the buttons of my coat, and with a stern face and a flicker of a smile, he said disapprovingly, "Abby, this isn't Navy issue. The buttons are wrong."

Apparently, Navy issue pea coat buttons have anchors on them.

At my cousin's New Year's Eve party, he came in with a smile on his face. I told him that I admired his new shirt. He took me by the hand and said, "I also got a new coat."

And with childlike glee, he proudly showed me his new Navy issue pea coat, perfect down to the button.

I love it when he's happy.

I celebrated with him and his new found joy. I even asked him to model his new coat. He laughed at my request, saying that I don't need a picture commemorating a coat that makes him feel like a cadet. I told him that may be true, but I do want a picture commemorating him feeling young again. Finally, he relented to a picture. And, of course, I took advantage of the rare opportunity when my grandfather would pose for a picture, and took two:

I think my grandfather would still make a very handsome cadet.