Dreaming Outside of Winter Wonderland

Yes, I like snow.

I liked snow when it meant that we got to stay home from school and look forward to hours of making snow angels, building snowmen and dodging snowballs. I liked snow when you watch the snow in the comfort of your own home in front of a fire and drinking hot chocolate. I liked snow when the child like wonder of the transformed world around you takes your breath away and all you felt was comfort and warmth and peace.

But there is this responsible adult within me that hates snow. I hate being cold. I hate watching the weather reports and letting it feed into my anxiety over the morning commute.

I want to be that child again and wonder at the land of snow. I want to get excited over the prospect of a white Christmas. I want to ignore all the gray and the dark ugly road littered with brown and dirty snow and see the fluffy white line the evergreens and bare branches outside of my window. Like with most things in my life, I want to simply enjoy this moment.

But for now, I'm dreaming of sitting on a warm beach in Hawaii.

Unrecognizable

I know I can love you much better than this. It's better this way.
--Sarah McLaughlin, "Full of Grace"

It's probably because its **still** snowing (sigh...I want it to stop!) I have had some time to think.

I had planned to sleep in this morning, but when my alarm went off at 6 AM, I lay awake, thinking.

I know, I know...thinking is a dangerous pasttime.

At any rate, I thought about my life and how much I have been enjoying it lately (despite the snow...). A huge smile was on my face and my heart is still bursting with joy. As I thanked God for his blessings for these few weeks, I realized that I hardly recognized myself.

And it was a good thing.

Of course, being the thinker I am (I wouldn't be me if I wasn't processing something) I decided to go into research mode. I pulled out my journals during this time last year and came upon the life I had lived at the beginning of this year. I hadn't realized how far I had come from the troubled life I had lived. I read those entries, yelling at Abby from Jan 08, pleading with her to see the trouble she was going to get into and begging her to see that there was a way out if she just looked up.

Despite all my pleading, it did not change the outcome. However, in the end, I wouldn't have traded those experiences as long as it still leads me back to this moment where I know for sure God loves me. To this moment where I know there is still hope. To this moment where I still believe in love.

I no longer recognize the Abby from earlier this year. And I hope that the Abby I am now will continue to grow and love better than she did before.

Delight

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
--David, Psalm 37:4

You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.
--David, Psalm 4:7

Like with most things, I didn't see it coming.

However, I am learning (forgive me, I am slow) that just because I am oblivious to something doesn't mean that it wasn't ever going to happen. Moreover (who uses that word any more?) it also doesn't mean that God hadn't been preparing me for the good things he had planned for me.

It has taken me awhile to actually write this, but I wanted to share about this past experience without sharing too much in a blog for the two people that actually read this thing. So here goes.

The week of Thanksgiving, an event occurred that I had long imagined but suddenly didn't know how to handle. My reaction was far more complicated and different than I had anticipated. But in the end, a choice had to be made. God was tugging at my heart, urging me to follow him to a place that I had no desire to go.

But if I had failed to take this opportunity, I knew I would regret it. I would be missing out on the life that I wanted to have. And I didn't know how or when I had stopped believing in the life I had hoped for.

To be quite honest, I didn't do anything. But the small offering I made out of an act of obedience was enough for God to use in a mighty way--not only in my life, but for others around me. And it is because of His faithfulness alone that everything that I could ever hope for has been blessed.

I honestly didn't see it coming.

In fact, I didn't realize it until my counselor had pointed it out in our meeting yesterday. After I had babbled about what has occurred since Thanksgiving, she asked me if it had been everything I had asked God for. I was pleasantly surprised to respond with a resounding "Yes!"

The past three weeks have been nothing short of amazing. Yes, it came through some heartache, but God has taught me so much about His forgiveness and grace and love and compassion and...and...and...

I am hesitant to say all of this because I am afraid that this joy will go away. Doubt rises and troubles me. I am not used to this kind of feeling, or this place of joy. I have had moments, but they soon went away. And I can't help but wonder when this will fade. I fear that something will happen that will jerk me back to a place of despair and struggle and sorrow and...and...and...

However, that is not the kind of God I serve. In every and any circumstance, I hope that I will continue to choose to be content. The world will want to test me, and it may come close to winning, but in the end, the enemy can't break me. This daughter belongs to God.

There are many moments of joy and many moments of sorrow. But right now, all I wanted to say is that for this moment, my heart is full of delight.

And you know what that means....the dance of joy. May it never end.

Silly Rabbit

On my way to work today, I saw a falling star.

At least, I hope it wasn't a crashing plane.

Very much chasing this silly feeling I've been experiencing lately, I made a wish. I laughed at myself for doing it, but the smile hasn't left my face.

I am amazed how the most childlike things can totally change the outlook of your day.

The only drawback? I have a song stuck in my head...

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away...

Croissant

A tragic croissant moment occurred when Craig killed the croissant Nick had dropped...








I hope Craig doesn't kill me
for this...

Breathing Lessons

It has been a very interesting, wonderful week.

And I'm not used to this feeling at all.

I am bursting at the seams with so much joy that I can hardly recognize myself. I'm not used to being the goofy girl. Yes, some circumstances are still hard but I can't help but hold onto the hope that everything really, truly is going to be all right.

However, with me still being me, doubt rises and I am troubled by my own experience with joy. I'm not used to having it be this way. Will I still have hope if the joy goes away? What if the next breath I take isn't as sweet as the one before? It's hard not to run with this feeling with the fear that it will go away.

I suppose that is the journey--to be in content in every and any circumstance.

But first, I need to learn how to breathe.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
--Paul, Letter to the Romans, Chapter 12, Verse 12.

Romantic Idealism

I don't know if it is a result of reading too many books as a child, but I think somewhere between all the reading and the thinking, I became an idealist.

Even worse, a romantic one at that.

There isn't anything wrong with that, I suppose, but I find that my idealism gets in the way. Reality isn't as grim as I think it is, and my expectations of how I want life to turn out won't result in the way I hope it should.

I wonder if I keep searching for something that won't exist, I might miss out what it right in front of me.

Silly thoughts. Effects of education, I suppose.