I'm not entirely sure when it happened, but I think I gave myself a complex.
For many years now, I find myself extremely uncomfortable if someone is watching me. Odd, I know, considering that I often find myself in situations where I am in front of people. Every other week I play piano in front of my church. I used to work at Starbucks--a hugely public job where people watch you when as you make their drink. Being watched, sometimes, is part of the gig.
Funny thing is, it never used to bother me. I used to perform in choirs. I never shrank from presentations or public speaking. I made a fool out of myself as a youth leader. I was required to conduct mini-performances at the piano for nearly every family gathering. And I used to do all those things well. All I can figure is that at some point between playing piano for my family and my job at Starbucks, I developed this irrational fear of people watching me.
Don't get me wrong, I like being recognized as much as the next person, but when I feel someone's stare burning a hole in my head, I become nervous. I drop things. Or I trip over things. All grace has left me and I act like a fool.
Maybe this is how I became Oblivious Girl. I think I ignored everyone's undue attention so that I would be able to function without become a complete klutz. As a result, when I catch people watching me, I act more like Clark Kent rather than Superman. This penchant for invisibility has not served me well. And as I am hoping to shed my superhero trait of obliviousness for a chance normalcy, I think I have to deal with my natural clumsiness and irrational nervousness. Living in fear of my awkwardness isn't working and being oblivious has not served me well.
Sigh. I think I need to try something new. It hasn't changed in ten years, but I'm confident that anything can happen.
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