Island People

Last Saturday night, my family celebrated my Aunt Lou's 50th birthday. The first part of the celebration was held at the Crab Pot in Bellevue.

Below is a picture of the kid's table, which was situated off to the side, slightly apart from the room that held the adults.

Please make note what most of us are eating...

Yes. Those are burgers you see in front of most of us. Only Sam and Brieana enjoyed the seafood from the restaurant that specializes in seafood. Based on what we were eating, you would never guess that our family is based on a chain of islands off the coast of Asia.

Hiding from Eden

But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?"

He answered, "I heard you in the garden,

and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."

And he said, "Who told you that you were naked?"

As of late, I have been having nightmares upon nightmares. I don't know what it is, and I haven't watched Good Eats with Alton Brown lately, but I've been having a lot of nightmares. I don't which is worse: my long bouts of insomnia, or restless sleep due to ongoing nightmares of being pursued by mindless killers.

As if I wasn't already afraid.

Yesterday, I ended up having a great, yet uncomfortable conversation with one of my co-workers. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but challenging. And, apparently, something I needed to hear. What came out of that converation was the constant struggle I have about being heard, and the stories that I have kept hidden for so long because I believed that no one wanted to hear them any more. And then she asked me to consider something that would challenge me to use my voice to bring glory to God by speaking of what he has done and is doing in my life as an example to other women. What surprised me was that unlike so many others, she wasn't asking me to share my intelligence or ask my help doing behind-the-scenes work. She was asking me to share my heart and my story. She was asking me to consider putting my vulnerability in public for the use of God's purposes and for his glory.

No one has asked me to do that before. Everyone who has ever heard my story had asked me to keep it inside, hidden, and above all, get over it. And I became ashamed of the story of my life, and I believed that I had nothing to offer anyone, that I had no stories to share, just knowledge.

Then God asked me, "How have you come to hide for so long? Why are you ashamed?"

"Who told you that you were naked?"

Should I remain silent or risk the vulnerability that comes in sharing something so close to my heart? Can God use the little things in my life that seem so trivial to everyone else and bring him glory? Will I ever stop being afraid?

I don't know what my answer will be. I'm still afraid that people will use what I share against me. It happens so often (in fact, it happened three weeks ago...and it still hurts!) that I don't want to do it any more. I've stayed hidden for so long, that its weird that someone was even wondering where I was.

Even if I end up not taking up the challenge, it is of worth to face the lies I had believed, to discover the stories I found shame in, and to find the faith to believe that out of all of that, God can still use it for the good.

Currently reading : Hinds’ Feet on High Places By Hannah Hurnard

My Preoccupation with the Weather(man)

A few days ago, I was chatting with my friend Sara about my recent blogs. Because Sara happens to be one of my best friends, she catches the little things that usually fly under other people's radar. And since she and her husband have pretty much known me the longest, she wins the right of knowing the most about me.

Sidenote: pray for Sara. She's leading a mission team in Liberia for the next couple weeks. I love you, Sara!

Ok. Back to the nonsense.

We chatted about a recent blog I had posted about what I wanted to be when I grow up, and she asks me about my long crush on Weatherman Chris. I told her it was practically over--I mean, we never see each other any more, and...Kirkland is far. She laughs, probably knowing that the crush really never is over.

So, I was at the Y this afternoon, and the local news came on one of the televisions in the cardio room. And there he was. All tan and nerdy as ever, telling me with his goofy, lopsided smile that it was going to be sunny tomorrow, but there is, as always, a chance of rain. I'm not sure of its because I was running a bit harder, or if I was slightly scared that someone would see my sudden flushed face when Chris graced the screen...but my heart raced. He's nerdy as ever, but I apparently love that in men.

Go figure.

I probably won't think about him later, but its nice to be silly every once in awhile. And God knows I really needed to be uplifted from my dark and broody mood. Even if it came in the form of the most random of crushes.

Can You Kill Zombies with Swords?

My sister holds this belief that if you tell someone about a dream, it won't come true. Hence, when you have a nightmare, you better tell everyone.

Here's the one I had last night. It better not come true. :-)

Disclaimer: The last thing I watched before going to sleep was Good Eats with Alton Brown. I don't think there is a connection. And if there is...I don't want to know.

So, last night I had this awful dream. I was in some random hotel that I have no memory of, and apparently, I'm trying to leave. A friend of mine comes to tell me that there are evil people out there and I need to protect myself. He hands me a blunt sword and wishes me luck. He tells me that he will meet me at some vague place, but I somehow know he'll take me to safety.

I walk out with this blunt sword in my hand, and wonder what kind of trouble will await me. Someone walks to me. I don't recognize him, but he is ugly and determined to get to me. I suddenly realize he is not a friend, but someone trying to kill me. So, I hack away at him with my blunt sword. He doesn't die right away (did I mention the sword was blunt?) but after more jabs, he falls and dies.

I stand there, blunt sword in my hand, scared of what I had just done, and afraid of what might await me.

Suddenly, they come in droves, the undead walking to capture me in their stale way of living. I run, blunt sword in hand. I get to the courtyard of the hotel and I find another blunt sword. And with a skill I did not know I had, I kill the zombies with the blunt swords.

Finally, I get to the edge of hotel compound, but I realize something is wrong. I didn't know where to go, and my friend was nowhere to be found. I see another friend, who comes up to me and tells me where he is, which is on the opposite side of the hotel. After hearing this good news, she attacks me. I slash at her, but she continues, unfazed by the blunt swords. Somehow, I lose the swords in the long struggle. However, I find a sharper, longer sword, with which I kill her with one swift swing.

With one sharp sword in one hand, and the recovered original blunt sword in the other, I race through the hotel. I get to an auditorium, where some zombies were putting on a very entertaining undead show. I get caught up for a moment, enjoying the festivities. It doesn't take them long to realize there is a breathing being among them, and they attack me. I dispatch a few of them, but I am soon overpowered. Overcome, I scream into the air, demanding that I wake up and that I wake up now.

And when I do...it is 4:30 in the morning. :-) And early morning never looked so good.

Interpretations are welcome.

Currently watching : Meats, Sweets, and Holiday Treats , Good Eats with Alton Brown

If wishes were horses...

A few things before I start.

One...it is my sister's birthday today. Happy birthday, Jenn! Hope it was a good one.
Two...I have no idea where that phrase "if wishes were horses" originated, let alone what it means. If you know, please enlighten us.

I have had a very random week. It started out really great, and then it stagnated really quickly. I still have joy, which is not connected to any circumstance, really, but I'm just feeling...blah.

This week, the biggest things that have been plaguing my mind as of late have to do with decisions that I have made and wondering what would have happened if I had gone the other way. The mind reels over how different life would have been if I had gone to a different college, took a risk instead of staying safe, or even having enough confidence and self-esteem so that I wouldn't be caught off guard by my self-inflicted obliviousness.

Since I can't really speak on the lives that might have been, I do believe that where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be. Even if I don't understand it right now, what I believe about the bigger picture and God's perspective tell me that this very place I am in is intentional. If it pleases God to use me in this way, who am I to argue?

I also wondered at how different I am from the people around me, especially in regards to family. If I had chosen a different path, would I still feel this different and set apart from them? Would I worry about fitting in with them as much as I do now?

I know I needn't worry about such things. But the mind does wander. I just have to rest in the fact that there is a purpose in where I am right now, even if I don't understand, let alone see my piece of the puzzle. All I can ask of myself is to be here. Right now.

And stop wishing for things that might have been.

Wish me luck. :-)

Currently watching : Clueless (Special Whatever! Edition)

When I Grow Up, I Want to be Taller...

The first week of June, I attended a two-day training session for work. The name of the class was "New Employee Orientation."

Yes. You read that right. I started at World Vision on February 2007. A year and four months later, I was going to learn all I needed to know about how World Vision works. So, for two days, I sat in between an employee 10 weeks new and a seasoned veteran who had already logged in 27 years.

Part of our time together was a 2 hour seminar on our sexual harassment prevention. Yup. Twenty minutes of a supremely outdated video that defined sexual harassment, followed by a thorough explanation by one of our legal representatives, followed by a rigorous and uncomfortable Q and A.

Sometimes I can't believe I had studied this for three years. And I have never been more grateful that God stopped me from spending the rest of my professional life handling things like this.

Ever since I made the decision not to go to graduate school to pursue what might have been a successful career as a law professional, the popular question asked other than "when are you going to get married," is a variation on "what do you want to do with your life?"

I still don't have an answer. But of course, I got to thinking about previous answers to this question before I was programmed to respond with "lawyer."

Of course, there's a list.

1. Ballerina (announced at a dinner table at the tender age of 5. Immediately shot down.)
2. Orchestra conductor
3. High school teacher (English, History, anything but math and science)
4. Professional piano player
5. Writer
6. News director (during my Sports Night and Weatherman Chris phase)
7. Speechwriter (during the West Wing phase)
8. Music teacher/choir director

Looking back at this list, I don't think I'm any closer. Perhaps I was not meant to be a professional. But I'm excited to find out what God has in store for me.