Hiding from Eden

But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?"

He answered, "I heard you in the garden,

and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."

And he said, "Who told you that you were naked?"

As of late, I have been having nightmares upon nightmares. I don't know what it is, and I haven't watched Good Eats with Alton Brown lately, but I've been having a lot of nightmares. I don't which is worse: my long bouts of insomnia, or restless sleep due to ongoing nightmares of being pursued by mindless killers.

As if I wasn't already afraid.

Yesterday, I ended up having a great, yet uncomfortable conversation with one of my co-workers. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but challenging. And, apparently, something I needed to hear. What came out of that converation was the constant struggle I have about being heard, and the stories that I have kept hidden for so long because I believed that no one wanted to hear them any more. And then she asked me to consider something that would challenge me to use my voice to bring glory to God by speaking of what he has done and is doing in my life as an example to other women. What surprised me was that unlike so many others, she wasn't asking me to share my intelligence or ask my help doing behind-the-scenes work. She was asking me to share my heart and my story. She was asking me to consider putting my vulnerability in public for the use of God's purposes and for his glory.

No one has asked me to do that before. Everyone who has ever heard my story had asked me to keep it inside, hidden, and above all, get over it. And I became ashamed of the story of my life, and I believed that I had nothing to offer anyone, that I had no stories to share, just knowledge.

Then God asked me, "How have you come to hide for so long? Why are you ashamed?"

"Who told you that you were naked?"

Should I remain silent or risk the vulnerability that comes in sharing something so close to my heart? Can God use the little things in my life that seem so trivial to everyone else and bring him glory? Will I ever stop being afraid?

I don't know what my answer will be. I'm still afraid that people will use what I share against me. It happens so often (in fact, it happened three weeks ago...and it still hurts!) that I don't want to do it any more. I've stayed hidden for so long, that its weird that someone was even wondering where I was.

Even if I end up not taking up the challenge, it is of worth to face the lies I had believed, to discover the stories I found shame in, and to find the faith to believe that out of all of that, God can still use it for the good.

Currently reading : Hinds’ Feet on High Places By Hannah Hurnard