Singled Out

I had an odd day at work today.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't good. I just wasn't connected. This isn't anyone's fault, so don't believe for a moment that this is a rant. This, is a weird confession of one of my deepest insecurities.

When I was six, I was singled out as the smartest kid in the class. Instead of it being a great achievement that would begin my road to success and law school, it felt the shame that comes when one realizes that people don't like the kid who knew all the answers.

First grade was my first year in public school and in a new city. No one knew me. Once the teachers and administration found out that I was a bright kid, they wanted to move me up or find a school they could ship me to that would best suit my "accelerated" needs. My first two months as a first grader were insolated meetings with my counselor trying to discuss what was the best course for a bright girl like me.

My mother didn;t want to send me to a different school. (And I thank her so much for that!) Plan B? I was given different worksheets on top of my regular class work that would drive my individual learning as well as keep me from boredom.

Not only was I given MORE work every day (because that is all what a kid wants), I was singled out. As if the other kids didn't know I was smart, they were reminded of it whenever my teacher asked them to let me finish my "extra" work. They already didn't know how to talk to me because they couldn't understand what I was saying in my thick Filipino accent--and now their teacher gave them permission not to speak to me because I was doing something "special."

Now...I don't blame anyone for that. But I do blame myself for what I did next.

I sabotaged it. I played dumb. I didn't participate. I learned not to speak even though I knew the answer to the questions. I failed so that I wouldn't be singled out.

Acceptance, it seems, is a bigger influence.

Yes, I know that I am not six years old anymore. I've learned a balance in the twenty years since then. I don't flaunt that I know something but I don't pretend I don't know anything.

Except for today.

I was singled out at work during our training sessions. No one was mad a me, but people didn't know how to talk to me because they knew that I wasn't in the same place as them. I felt ashamed as this old insecurity made its way back to the forefront of my mind. I tried to think of ways to make sure that they knew that I didn't know all the answers (because I don't) and I wasn't proud of being singled out (because I wasn't).

I know this is stupid of me to dwell on this. But I guess being stupid is kind of the point.