Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier. Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter. Right now you just wait and see how things are gonna be.
--The Five Stairsteps, "Ooh, Child"
It's funny how songs can stick with you.
I have this memory of when I heard this song for the first time. I was about eight years old, playing around with my grandfather's sound system (Shh...don't tell him. I'm under the impression that he doesn't know that I had broken it.) I was arbitrarily pushing buttons and moving the sliders up and down along the board in my curious attempt to figure out how to listen to a record. (Oh, vinyl records, where have you gone?)
I came across a radio station instead and this song came on. And for some reason, it just stuck with me. And for those of you who know what happened to me when I was eight, you can probably understand why.
My experience these past two weeks can be characterized by disappointment and uncertainty of the unknown. Many changes are probable in the horizon, but they haven't happened yet. And the things that are happening are just breaking my heart.
I'm not sure if I can chalk this up to being emotionally exhausted or if God was trying to bring up a memory to inspire me to persevere, but I was in the car a few days ago when this song came on the radio. I was overcome with sorrow and joy. I was a mess of tears and laughter. And in the end, I was confident that I will be fine.
Just you wait and see.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Monday, June 22, 2009
Not So Bad This Time Around...
Yesterday was Father's Day.
Normally, I would feel a tumble of emotions regarding fathers. Last Thanksgiving, my father was in the hospital with heart failure. He's still alive today, but no more of a father to me than he was when I was 3...or 8...or 13...or 28.
This year, it's a little different. This year, I don't hate him.
I don't love him, but I don't hate him.
It may not be enough to be considered progress. But I hope that's something.
I did, however, celebrate with my grandfather. I love him like I imagine I would love my father. And that's more than enough for me.
I love you, Grandpa. Happy Father's day.
Normally, I would feel a tumble of emotions regarding fathers. Last Thanksgiving, my father was in the hospital with heart failure. He's still alive today, but no more of a father to me than he was when I was 3...or 8...or 13...or 28.
This year, it's a little different. This year, I don't hate him.
I don't love him, but I don't hate him.
It may not be enough to be considered progress. But I hope that's something.
I did, however, celebrate with my grandfather. I love him like I imagine I would love my father. And that's more than enough for me.
I love you, Grandpa. Happy Father's day.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Just Keep Swimmin'
I've been a little disappointed lately.
I guess that happens to everyone from time to time. I happen to be disappointed in specific areas of my life, and it seems like I will never get out of this same rut. However, we are told to keep pressing on. Keep on keepin' on. Hold your head up high and keep walking.
Just keep swimming.
A couple times this week, I have been tempted to give in. To stop doing the last thing I was told to do and take the easier road. I have been tempted to distract myself, to be afraid, to stay isolated. I have been tempted to believe that I am too much, not enough, and nothing at all.
I have to believe that it will not always be this way. I've asked God numerous times if anything will change. The answer I receive is "Yes," but nothing more than that.
Oh, the Unknown, how you vex me.
But I won't give up. I can't. I won't give in because I still have hope. I won't wreck everything now that I've come this far. It can't always be this way, my Father God said so. And that little shred of hope is more than enough to keep me going.
I need a reason for the way things have to be. I need help to build up some kind of hope inside of me. Give me a sign. Let me know you're here. I won't give up if you don't give up.
--Train, "Calling All Angels"
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
--Paul, Philippians 3:13-14
I guess that happens to everyone from time to time. I happen to be disappointed in specific areas of my life, and it seems like I will never get out of this same rut. However, we are told to keep pressing on. Keep on keepin' on. Hold your head up high and keep walking.
Just keep swimming.
A couple times this week, I have been tempted to give in. To stop doing the last thing I was told to do and take the easier road. I have been tempted to distract myself, to be afraid, to stay isolated. I have been tempted to believe that I am too much, not enough, and nothing at all.
I have to believe that it will not always be this way. I've asked God numerous times if anything will change. The answer I receive is "Yes," but nothing more than that.
Oh, the Unknown, how you vex me.
But I won't give up. I can't. I won't give in because I still have hope. I won't wreck everything now that I've come this far. It can't always be this way, my Father God said so. And that little shred of hope is more than enough to keep me going.
I need a reason for the way things have to be. I need help to build up some kind of hope inside of me. Give me a sign. Let me know you're here. I won't give up if you don't give up.
--Train, "Calling All Angels"
But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
--Paul, Philippians 3:13-14
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Random Distraction
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
--Douglas Adams
Suddenly, I've found myself very busy, drinking too much coffee, and looking forward to my vacation. (How many days until the first week of August?)
It's been ten years since I've graduated high school, and I haven't stopped looking forward to summer vacation. Go figure.
My radio silence doesn't have to do thinking too much. I literally woke up one morning and my entire month of June and July was booked. Sigh.
Since I'm prone to thrive on stress, having my time filled with things isn't unusual for me. But this time around, I have no idea what the end result of these efforts will be, which only frustrates me more. But apparently, we operate on what is unseen.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
--Paul, 2nd Corinthians 4:16-18
I just hope that what I do is toward something that matters.
I don't operate very well with the unknown. But since I can't change that, I must press on and hope that what I do is toward something that matters.
Thank God for LOST nights. You just might keep me sane.
Apparently, I like being distracted. But every now and then, a little random distraction can be a good thing.
--Douglas Adams
Suddenly, I've found myself very busy, drinking too much coffee, and looking forward to my vacation. (How many days until the first week of August?)
It's been ten years since I've graduated high school, and I haven't stopped looking forward to summer vacation. Go figure.
My radio silence doesn't have to do thinking too much. I literally woke up one morning and my entire month of June and July was booked. Sigh.
Since I'm prone to thrive on stress, having my time filled with things isn't unusual for me. But this time around, I have no idea what the end result of these efforts will be, which only frustrates me more. But apparently, we operate on what is unseen.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
--Paul, 2nd Corinthians 4:16-18
I just hope that what I do is toward something that matters.
I don't operate very well with the unknown. But since I can't change that, I must press on and hope that what I do is toward something that matters.
Thank God for LOST nights. You just might keep me sane.
Apparently, I like being distracted. But every now and then, a little random distraction can be a good thing.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
People Who Nap May Be Right
I don't rest very well.
I have this horrible tendency to keep going even though my mind and body is crying out for rest. But truly...how effective are we when we've become so tired?
While I was a barista at Starbucks, the most repeated answer to the question "How are you?" was "I'm tired." (Sidenote: If we're not tired, would we answer that question with, "I'm awake?")
Oddly enough, this came from both sides of the counter. It became commonplace at the modern waterholes of coffee shops where both the barista and the customer admit that they are tired. And they continue on with their day, drinking coffee to keep their exhausted bodies going.
This isn't a diatribe against coffee. We all have something that we do to keep ourselves going. But it is of note to me that being tired on a consistent basis doesn't give people cause to worry. How far we will we push ourselves for things that may or may not matter in the end? Would we have been tired for nothing?
We need to rest. We need to revive our bodies, refresh our minds, and replenish our souls. God created rest for a reason.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke i easy and my burden is light.
--Jesus, Matthew 11:28-30
I have this horrible tendency to keep going even though my mind and body is crying out for rest. But truly...how effective are we when we've become so tired?
While I was a barista at Starbucks, the most repeated answer to the question "How are you?" was "I'm tired." (Sidenote: If we're not tired, would we answer that question with, "I'm awake?")
Oddly enough, this came from both sides of the counter. It became commonplace at the modern waterholes of coffee shops where both the barista and the customer admit that they are tired. And they continue on with their day, drinking coffee to keep their exhausted bodies going.
This isn't a diatribe against coffee. We all have something that we do to keep ourselves going. But it is of note to me that being tired on a consistent basis doesn't give people cause to worry. How far we will we push ourselves for things that may or may not matter in the end? Would we have been tired for nothing?
We need to rest. We need to revive our bodies, refresh our minds, and replenish our souls. God created rest for a reason.
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke i easy and my burden is light.
--Jesus, Matthew 11:28-30
Friday, June 5, 2009
Five Years
A question that is often on repeat in my mind is "can you see what will happen in five years?"
I hardly ever do.
My grandfather has been hearing this question, too, but in a slightly different context. Tonight, at dinner, my grandfather proudly announced that he had passed his driver's license test. This is quite an achievement, especially when one considers what happened last New Year's Eve. And he mentioned that the person who helped at the DMV was quite amused my grandfather's antics. The DMV employee apparently laughed and lightly mused, "I'd better see you in five years." To which my grandfather replied, "I certainly hope so." The DMV employee smiled and said, "Yes, I will."
It made my grandfather's day.
Sidebar: Someone find the DMV employee who had helped my grandfather and give him a medal.
At any rate, my grandfather has been battling with thoughts of his mortality. Since his bleeding ulcer incident nearly over two years ago, he has been thinking a lot about his legacy, his life, his family...and things I can't mention without crying. But as of late, my grandfather has encountered many conversations with people who say, "I'll see you in five years." His doctor said it. Some random person from social security in the Phlippines said it. And apparently the DMV employee said it.
My grandfather's response to this repeating occurence was, "Why is it always five years?"
I had no reply, but laughed at his amusing observation.
It's no secret: I have a special affection for my grandfather. He is very close to my heart, and it pains me to think of life without him. If God were to grant us five more years, I will consider us very blessed.
Five years.
Grandpa, I certainly hope so.
I hardly ever do.
My grandfather has been hearing this question, too, but in a slightly different context. Tonight, at dinner, my grandfather proudly announced that he had passed his driver's license test. This is quite an achievement, especially when one considers what happened last New Year's Eve. And he mentioned that the person who helped at the DMV was quite amused my grandfather's antics. The DMV employee apparently laughed and lightly mused, "I'd better see you in five years." To which my grandfather replied, "I certainly hope so." The DMV employee smiled and said, "Yes, I will."
It made my grandfather's day.
Sidebar: Someone find the DMV employee who had helped my grandfather and give him a medal.
At any rate, my grandfather has been battling with thoughts of his mortality. Since his bleeding ulcer incident nearly over two years ago, he has been thinking a lot about his legacy, his life, his family...and things I can't mention without crying. But as of late, my grandfather has encountered many conversations with people who say, "I'll see you in five years." His doctor said it. Some random person from social security in the Phlippines said it. And apparently the DMV employee said it.
My grandfather's response to this repeating occurence was, "Why is it always five years?"
I had no reply, but laughed at his amusing observation.
It's no secret: I have a special affection for my grandfather. He is very close to my heart, and it pains me to think of life without him. If God were to grant us five more years, I will consider us very blessed.
Five years.Grandpa, I certainly hope so.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)