Something Real

"Lemme 'splain. No. There is too much. Lemme sum up."

--Inigo Montoya, "The Princess Bride"

I've been trying to offer something real.

However, for the past two hours, all I have are drafts of things I want to say and a blinking cursor.

I guess I'm just stuck.

I keep thinking about this time last year. This time last year, I went home from work because I was on a brink of an emotional and mental breakdown due to the fact that I hadn't slept in three days.

Today, on my day off, I celebrated with my dance of joy because I am still here.

A lot has happened in the past year. I couldn't possibly write (or list!) all the things that have transpired. In the end, I am very blessed and I certainly don't deserve any of it.

I didn't plan on this much grace.

From time to time, I read through my journal entries--why else would I write journal entires if I don't read them to learn how far I've come? This time last year, I was full of shame and disgrace. I was brokenhearted and lost. My world had turned upside down and I couldn't see my way out.

I read that journal entry now and I praise God that I didn't die there. He brought my friend, Lu, to help me and pray for me in one of my darkest hours. He brought friends (new and old) to show me love and faith and hope. He blessed me at work and at church in ways that astound me to this very day.

And if I were to sum up all that happened in the past year, I would offer this: I am here because of God's grace. I am so moved by this grace that my heart can barely contain it.

And yet, I can't seem to share about this grace. A summary doesn't seem to do justice to all that has happened. I am vague for a reason. I make lists because it's easier. I don't want to offer something real if it means that I will be vulnerable. For twenty-odd years, people have shouted me down to keep me from speaking, to stop me from being heard. And in that process, I have lost my voice.

It's been a long while since I've shared my testimony...any testimony. And perhaps maybe now is the time to try.

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of your salvation all day long, though I know not its measure.

--Psalmist, Psalm 71:14-15 (NIV)