Something Beautiful

"Have I your permission?" said the Angel to the Ghost.
"I know it will kill me."
"It won't. But supposing it did?"
"You're right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature."
"Than I may?"
"Damn and blast you! Go on can't you? Get it over. Do what you like," bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, "God help me. God help me."
Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such I never heard on Earth. The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed, on the turf...
"Nothing, not even the best and the noblest, can go on as it now is..."
--C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

I haven't slept in three days.

Which, apparently, is the only way to make me cry.

I kept saying, "I obeyed the Lord. Albeit a little late, but I did obey. Why this torment? Why am I still struggling with something that means nothing to me?"

Apparently, obedience often opens doors for a major spiritual attack. Nothing makes the Evil One more angry than a Child of God falling more in love with her Father and wanting to do more to please Him.

And so, the evil one played his dirty tricks. He twisted the thorn in my side to make me curse God. And God allowed it, not to torment me, but because he was creating something beautiful.

In the story above, the reptile turns into a stallion and the man into a glorious soldier. He let go of the reptile and let it be killed; not knowing what would happen, only knowing that something had to be better than how he was living now. He can no longer stand to be tempted by the creature he had treated as a pet. The reptile turned into something beautiful, and the man found himself also changed.

The reptile was a metaphor for lust, but we all have our tormentors. Even if we don't know what they look like. I have ignored mine for so long, but now, I can't. It was revealed in a beautiful conversation with someone God used to show me love and comfort. (Thank you, my friend. You are beautiful to me.) Now that I know this reptile's name, will I let it die? Will I cry out to God for help?

Hosanna. You are the God that saves us.

Although it is not promised, my hope is that He will create something beautiful, and perhaps, I, too, will be changed.

He has to come through. He hasn't yet, but I have to believe that he has to come through in this area that I had not let anyone touch.

The one who calls you is faithful and will do it. --Paul, 1 Thessalonians, 5:14.

Of course I am still hurting, but we're not done. Not yet. And that is a very good thing.