Yes!! January!!!

All over the world, people will watch our democracy at work...
...and wonder why we still think it works.

The Iowa Presidential Primary is January 3rd.

Let the craziness ensue.

Currently listening : Fashion Nugget By Cake

It is what it is

My heart is full of things my brain doesn't understand.

All I want to do is cry, but all I've done is stare at this computer screen for fifteen minutes. No one can make it right. And no can make it different. There are some things in life that weren't meant to make sense, and ironically enough, death is one of those things.

It is what it is.

Please pray for my friend Elizabeth. Her husband, Klinton, passed away today. He was only 23.

They have two young children. We are thankful they were able to say goodbye and spend their last moments together. It is never enough time and it is always too soon. But we are thankful for the time we are given.


Even if we do take it for granted sometimes.

I'll miss you, Klinton. You were always one of my favorite youth kids. But I think you knew that. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.

Today has been brought to you by...the letters "I" and "N"

This isn't going to be a happy blog.

I don't know why it is, but there are just some people in my life who, through no fault of their own, make me feel very inadequate. They don't have to do anything, but whenever I have to spend prolonged periods of time with them, I feel all my insecurities come out. It's annoying, I know, but I just can't help myself. These people tend to remind me of how untalented I am and I just don't belong in their little club.

Let me be a little bit specific. As of late, I've been loving this musician thing I'm finding in myself again. I haven't really played music in a long time and I keep forgetting that there are people in the place I live that don't even know that I play piano and are surprised when they find out that I do.
I've kept my little "talent" a secret for seven years, and now that it's out, I've been loving every moment of rediscovering my heart beat.

Until tonight.

I don't know why it happens, but it happens every single time. I get to this moment when I know that my happiness bubble is going to burst, and the unwitting bubble burster infiltrates my giddy world by putting doubt into my mind. And when I doubt, I pull back. And when I pull back, I get frustrated because I know better. But I just can't get over that feeling that I can't do this and that maybe I really am not cut out for this.

All because I feel inadequate.

Yes, I'm insecure. This is not a call for an intervention on my insecurities with my identity or my hidden pride issues. I know I've got them. You, Dear Reader, have them too, so I don't think I can take any advice on how to get over it--so don't even try. I am convinced that someday I'll feel like myself and it will be ok. But for the moment, I feel like crawling into a hole and crying because I can't seem to make myself remember that what I have to offer is good enough...

...and more than adequate.

But don't you worry. I'll get over it. I always do. These people are just unwitting players who, for some reason, I give more power over me than I intended. I guess they don't understand that they hurt my feelings so many times before and that we're just beyond repair. And every time we're in the same room, all I can remember is the pain and the fact that I don't measure up to their high standard, as the have pointed out so many times before. But the moment will pass quickly and the little blip in my happy bubble will scar over and life will be good again.

I just can't guarantee that I'll have as much fun.

Something...

Try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you. Don't you know that everything's all right?

I haven't written in a long while, but my mind is just full of so many things right now, that I can't seem to make sense out of anything. But after holding my breath for a long time, I was truly surprised by a moment tonight that I didn't think would bring me so much comfort.

No mysteries were solved and no plan was set into motion to make everything all right. It was just comfort and being and proof that I mean something to someone. Even if I didn't express it very well very well, that small gesture meant more to me than anything has in a long time.

I wish I could say more than this...but I can't. But what I will say is that there are not a lot of moments that take me by surprise. And I will never take those moments of brief sweet reprieve for granted ever again.

In the end, its the small things that make the biggest difference. I guess that means...something.

Currently listening : Polaroids: A Greatest Hits Collection By Shawn Colvin

Is it January yet?

So...I'm reading Reuters and I follow this random rabbit hole to a quiz that can reduce people's political stances into a neat, labeled, political philosophy. According to the 20 questions (four of which don't factor) the quiz had deduced that I am a...

Moderate Liberal Populist.

Really, now. I am so glad that a 20 question survey (again, four of which don't factor) based on a five point scale, can tell me where I stand on the political spectrum. Now, if I could only find a candidate that is also a moderate liberal populist. Because I really want people like that running this country.

Random Would-be-Voter: Umm...I don't understand this policy.
Political Candidate A: What's not to understand?
Random Would-be-Voter: It doesn't say moderate, liberal or populist on it. How do I know if I should vote for you?
Political Candidate B: You shouldn't. I'm moderate, liberal and populist.
Political Candidate A: Me too. At least, today.

Random Would-Be Voter: Cool! [a slight pause.] What does it mean to be a moderate liberal populist, exactly?

[A long silence. Curtain falls as Political Candidates A and B search for more voters while Random Would-Be-Voter stands in line for Canadian Citizenship. End scene.]

Currently watching : Hairspray (Two-Disc Shake & Shimmy Edition)

I really shouldn't be this offended

The curse of the office email is the perpetual inflow of forwarded emails. I don't typically send forward emails, but I do enjoy the momentary distraction they provide. It's the equivalent of glancing at the headlines of popular magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store. Entertaining, but not really meant to be more than a vehicle to pass the time.

Much like this blog.

However, I ran across this forwarded email about a radio program asking people to write "in God we trust" on the back of our envelopes in an act of rebellion against the US Postal Service. (Really, guys...let's give the post office a break. They've got an odd mix of having too much power and too little at the same time.) Apparently, the USPS had said that the motto was too offensive to be on a stamp. Huh. Odd thing to get your underwear in a bunch.

Although I don't care too much over the form of retaliation, what interested me was this line: We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed.

Now bear in mind that I'm ignoring the obvious hypocrisy that can be read in that statement, considering the possible source of the email. All of you are smart enough to figure that out for yourselves: Everyone is a hypocrite.

What makes me sad about this email is that it was meant to be meaningful and yet the meaning was lost in the trivial act they were asking us to take. Sure, you could "in God we trust" on every snail mail envelope you send and give some postal workers a little laughter to lighten their day, but it doesn't mean anything if people don't understand the fact that we have this freedom to do this. We have the freedom to proclaim whatever it is we believe, regardless if people agree with us or not.

This is why other nations hate us. They can't stand our pluralism. Someone who practices Judaism has the same rights as someone who practices Islam. Women can interact with men. Chinese people can learn Spanish. I can dye my hair any color I want, dance, and listen to jazz. We live in a pluralistic society based on the principle of the freedoms that protect the diversity of this nation. I may not agree with you, but you are free to believe whatever it is you want. Respect me, I respect you.

What we are apparently missing here is the respect. I find that people confuse a statement that offends me with a statement that disrespects me. I am sure the phrase "in God we trust" offends people. In fact, I'm counting on it. But what I don't want is that phrase to be used as a way to disrespect others or have that phrase be used to disrespect my beliefs in the same God that phrase just happens to be referring to.

Yes, in God I trust. And yes, I believe it is a principle of our founding fathers. And yes I believe it is printed on American money. (that, I actually can produce for you.) I agree with the statement that we need to take our nation back from fanatics who believe that anything offensive should be removed. But really, let's not fight over the words that have hardly any meaning. I think we can find something more important to fight over. I could care less if the American "motto" is taken off the money or the pledge of Allegiance, etc. But I do care if the freedoms that make it possible for me to say what I believe are taken away. There are real wrongs out there, people who are removing other people that truly offend them by restricting their rights, their freedoms, their liberties, their pursuit of happiness...and yes, their dignities.

Now over those human offenses, I can let my panties get in a bunch.

I'll get riled up. And I will even consider forwarding your email. But other than that, I will stand by my right to be offended by your message, applaud your freedom to stand up for what you believe in, and ask for your respect to demonstrate the same.

Ok. Rant over. Go back to your daily lives.

Currently watching : Friends - The Complete Fifth Season

Happy Thanksgiving...

No pomp. A little circumstance...mainly because I don't know what "pomp" actually entails. For many, 2007 brought more pain and suffering than joy and dancing. I don't know if this year was exactly a banner year for me, but I'm content with a lot of things.

Here's the short list.

1. My job at World Vision. It is a blessing in so many ways and I thank my God for it.
2. My coffee shop. It has served (ha ha, I HATE puns!) as a sanctuary for me more than once.
3. My family. You keep me insane.
4. My church. I've caused you pain. You've caused me heartache. Which, makes us family. I love you all.
5. A chance to play piano again. I love it more than I thought I had. And its open so many other opportunities that I didn't know were available to me. Its good to feel like me again.
6. My Tuesday breakfast meetings with my friend Natalie. Its saved me more than once.
7. Accomplishing two out of my list of twenty-two things that I had wanted to do. Yeah!!

And of course...my Lord, my God. You make all things wonderful.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Eat turkey, look at your family and friends and just love on them. Sleep. Wake up. Repeat.