On Hold

I have an ususually high filter.

I often hold back to spare someone feelings--mine or someone else's. I often hold back because I don't want to be in the way. But mostly I hold back because I don't believe that what I have to offer is worth much of anything.

One of my biggest frustrations in playing the piano is that I feel like I'm constantly holding back. Now, this isn't to say that I'm really awesome at the piano (because I'm not) or because the worship team needs me to play louder (because that isn't always the case) but I am frustrated that I am not able to express what I truly feel.

Now, my current experience with playing with team (which is a different blog) is just an example. This is a common theme with my frustrations in general. I don't express much of anything in my heart and I usually cover it with what is in my mind.

And it is exhausting.

There has to a balance to all of this. I don't want to become a flood of feelings or a droning intellectual. But I'm struggling to figure out how to express and share in a way that glorifies God and stop holding back.

I hope that if I have a lower setting on my filter, I can still be a blessing.

On Guard

Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
--Writer of Proverbs, Book of Proverbs, 4:23

I was never really good at guarding my heart.

I don't know if it was a learned trait, or if I had stopped caring, but I have often given my heart to the care of those who had mistreated it. Beat it up. Cut it down. Spoke death to it. Crushed the life out of it. Killed it with kindness that only meant to harm. Shamed it into thoughtless submission. Used it for their own pleasures. Scattered the pieces until there was nothing left of it.

Only by the grace of God do I have much of a heart left.

After a nearly year-long trial (ask me later) I promised myself that I needed to make an effort to ensure that I would guard my heart carefully. I didn't know why I had to, but I held onto the hope that because my heart now belonged to God and is no longer mine, it is no longer my decision to whom I give this heart.

Knowing that, my heart should be in good hands.

That is, until I try to take it back.

The most recent test of this guardianship of this fragile heart came shortly after another test had ended. I cried out to Father God and asked him to help me guard my heart from those who seek to distract me from the life God has set before me. I didn't want to ask him, but I knew that it would be best.

Amazingly enough, (why are we always amazed that God answers prayers?) God let the scales fall from my eyes and I saw the distraction for what it really was. God promises me an abundant eternal life, and that begins now. That is the hope he wants me to cling to. The life he wants me to hold onto is good, and he has a plan for it. And that means that I can't always say yes to the things that I believe I deserve.

It pains me to say no to a "sure" thing, but when I remember that God will protect the hearts that he claims as his, the hurt doesn't last as much as I had feared.

God, my Lord who fiercely loves me, is the only one who would determine those who he deems able to take care of something he claims as his.

There's no place like home

I am not a nester.

I actually don't know what that word means. I'm not even sure if it is a word.

In any case, I am not used to having a home of my own. Granted, I live in an apartment--but its mine! Growing up, I lived with my grandparents. After that, I went to college--moved from dorm to dorm. Right after that, I moved in a with a friend of mine. And after that, I spent three years living with a different friend.

This is the first time I have a space that I call my own. It's been about nine months and I still have decorated.

First of all, I don't have a lot to decorate with. Secondly, I don't even know where to start.

Decorating is a foreign concept to me. It never used to bother me until last night when I wanted to decorate for Christmas.

I pulled the few things I have that may be considered festive. As I stood back at my paltry offering, all I kept thinking about was...

...I want more.

I don't have the time, money or the talent to make my home feel like Christmas. But for the ten minutes it took me to put out a few stockings and change a couple towels and a tablecloth, and added more candles on the fireplace mantle, I got bit by the bug for more.

Although I am not likely to invest any more time or money on it in the near future, I realized how excited I was to finally have a place to start making my own. The foreign concept of home is becoming a little more familiar.

It took me 27 years to get there, but its about time that my sanctuary isn't found hiding in a coffee shop.

Joyful Distraction

It has been an eventful week. And of course, I want to take a break.

I started reading my books on Scotland again, once again resuming my affair with Scotsmen, their rich history, landscape, and kilts.

Don't even get me started on the devastatingly adoring accent.

It amazes me that even after a trial that could consume me for days, life resumes it frantic rhythm. How easily the devil tries to distract us from what is really important. But I hope that i will not win over me. I cannot be so immature to think I can do anything on my own. I cannot stray far from the grip of God.

But I must confess: I am not used to this feeling of freedom, of lightness in step. Yes, things are still hard, and the road may still seem forever long. There are pains in this world that need our attention and prayer, and I am not immune from pain.

But it is nice to breathe again; to smile that doesn't reflect sadness, but geunine peace and happiness. God spoke into my life when he gave me my name, and I hope that in any telling of the story of my life so far, it will be a source of joy.

Trials never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is feeling now, that was not here before, and is not just on the surface of things, but penetrates all the way through: we've won it. Its going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things.
--Robert M. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainence"

Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
--Anais Nin

I have come so that you may have life to the full.
--Jesus, John 10:10

An Overflow of Praise...

This year went by really fast. There was a lot of heartache, stretching, and pain, but out of all of those things, God created beauty, joy and peace. My plan for this year was to continue my week of lists from last Thanksgiving week, but this week proved to be a little more interesting than that.

However, I wanted to get this list out today. I am overflowing with praise for my Father God, who made all of these things possible in my life by his generous grace and fierce love.

1. My "church" family. God has created a family for me. Most of them I met at the church I currently attend, but all are fellow believers who walk through life with me. I had not realized how I had taken this group of people for granted, but I know more than ever just how much I love everyone. I am a better person because of all of these people, and I hope that I may be a blessing to them in some way.

2. Tuesdays with my best friend, Natalie. It has saved me a couple of times from doing something stupid. I can't imagine doing life without my friend!

3. The coffee shop. There are no words to describe how this place has become a sanctuary for me. I spent many hours there to hide, to laugh, to just be... I know my coffee boys don't know how much they mean to me and the comfort they have given me in the form of a cup of coffee. Their crazy antics reminded me not to take life too seriously. They laugh at all my stupid jokes and they let me sit for hours at the end of the bar as I watch the Olympics on the internet. Sanctuaries can be good.

4. My worship team. They don't know it, but I would have given up everything and chosen a worse kind of living if it weren't for them. It hasn't always been easy, but I know the music is sweeter because of the relationships we have built with each other and with God.

5. My job. I love it so much right now. I am thankful for my co-workers, who remind me every day just how blessed I am to work at a place like World Vision with people who love God and love his people.

6. The Sunday night small group. I know we've just met, but I love all of these ladies very much. They are fun people who love God and want to know more of Him. They invited me in and accepted me so easily. It seems like we have been friends forever! They are a great picture of what true community living is like. I want nothing but the best for each of them.

7. My family. They drive me crazy, but I love everyone of them.

I could go on and on and on and on...which is just a testimony of how good God is and how truly blessed we all are. May I never forget God's blessings and may I always be an overflow of praise for him.

Grace Notes

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
--Paul, 2nd Corinthians 12:7-9

Its been a rough couple of days. I don't want to get into the details for the sake of privacy, but I did want to share what God has shown me during this time of sudden trial by fire.

For a long time now, I have held onto some anger and bitterness. I didn't realize how much I had until I calculated the time: 13 years. Half of my life had been wasted hating someone that I had given too much power to. It had been so much a part of my life that I didn't have to think about it. You say this person's name and I was suddenly a different person. And it would torment me for weeks.

How does someone become free of all of this? How does someone let go of something that was so second nature?

This past week, I realized just how much I didn't want to become that person any more. I wanted it to be over, to finally sing that final note in this recurring verse. I wanted it to be done.

I always thought that I would have time. It turns out that I couldn't wait forever. I had the chance to extend grace and finally have peace. I had imagined the moment for so long, but the outcome was far different than I had wished; my emotional reaction was completely surprising and unexpected. I suddenly didn't know my lines, didn't know the song, didn't know what to do.

Except cry out to God.

In music, they say that grace notes can make the song sweet. In this case, I agree.

I was reminded that His grace was for all. I was so angry that I wanted to keep withholding it, to keep myself from feeling anything other than anger towards this person. But it was killing me. And it did not please my Heavenly Father.

How does one let something like this go?

I went on believing that I didn't have grace to offer. That what I had to offer was a paltry offering, not worthy of sharing. But it could mean so much. And God uses all things.

So I gave what I could--this small grace offering to the person I was convinced didn't deserve it. Sigh...the wonders of our gracious God.

Amazingly enough, God turned it to something beautiful. Suddenly, I didn't hate this person. I no longer held what he had done against him and I no longer wanted to see him punished. I wanted him to know that even though I did not love him, God does. I wanted rest for him. I wanted peace for him.

May he find it.

And the grace I extended I realized was the grace that had only been given to me by the only Father that I do call my own.

My Daddy. Abba, Father. It has never meant so much to me than it does now. If it is truly over now, I know I only found it through grace.

Any other word...

For two years I had gone without a nickname. At my last job, I was primarily known by a nickname one of my co-workers had affectionately bestowed upon me. The nickname became so popular among co-workers and customers that hardly anyone knew what my real name was.

And so I relished the two years without a nickname. That is, until I was chatting with a couple of friends and a story came out, revealing the nickname I had hidden for so long. It was like Christmas for them, finding out this name that revealed the past that I kept secret from them. For about an hour, the name was reborn, resulting in a flood of memories in my brain and a flush of red on my cheeks.

The story had died down, but it was of note to me the power of a name. It was from so long ago and it had held so much shame and sadness in me. But as the name had slipped as I told the story, resulting in good-hearted laughter and joy, the power of the name had gone. I don't know what that means, (then again, does it have to mean anything?) but I hope that it indicates that I have moved on from the stories that I had avoided from my last job. Maybe now I can look back and not be sad or in denial of the person that gave me that name.

And maybe it will just be a name.

What's in a name? A rose by any other word would smell as sweet.
-Juliet, Romeo & Juliet.