On Guard

Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
--Writer of Proverbs, Book of Proverbs, 4:23

I was never really good at guarding my heart.

I don't know if it was a learned trait, or if I had stopped caring, but I have often given my heart to the care of those who had mistreated it. Beat it up. Cut it down. Spoke death to it. Crushed the life out of it. Killed it with kindness that only meant to harm. Shamed it into thoughtless submission. Used it for their own pleasures. Scattered the pieces until there was nothing left of it.

Only by the grace of God do I have much of a heart left.

After a nearly year-long trial (ask me later) I promised myself that I needed to make an effort to ensure that I would guard my heart carefully. I didn't know why I had to, but I held onto the hope that because my heart now belonged to God and is no longer mine, it is no longer my decision to whom I give this heart.

Knowing that, my heart should be in good hands.

That is, until I try to take it back.

The most recent test of this guardianship of this fragile heart came shortly after another test had ended. I cried out to Father God and asked him to help me guard my heart from those who seek to distract me from the life God has set before me. I didn't want to ask him, but I knew that it would be best.

Amazingly enough, (why are we always amazed that God answers prayers?) God let the scales fall from my eyes and I saw the distraction for what it really was. God promises me an abundant eternal life, and that begins now. That is the hope he wants me to cling to. The life he wants me to hold onto is good, and he has a plan for it. And that means that I can't always say yes to the things that I believe I deserve.

It pains me to say no to a "sure" thing, but when I remember that God will protect the hearts that he claims as his, the hurt doesn't last as much as I had feared.

God, my Lord who fiercely loves me, is the only one who would determine those who he deems able to take care of something he claims as his.