A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
--Writer of Proverbs, Proverbs 17:22 (ESV)
I didn't realize it at first, but yesterday, when I was composing an entry for this blog (an entry, that obviously, I did not post) I came upon this surprising revelation. The list I had complied wasn't so much an inventory of warning signs; it was a blaring signal: Abby, you're depressed.
Yeesh.
I've had moments of being dark and broody, but this was different. I took no interest in anything about which I was passionate. It was coming to the point where it was debilitating. I slept for hours. I had little to no appetite. I was focused on busyness and work. I isolated myself and became disengaged from people.
Maybe now that I have had some time to think--or took the time to think--I was able to find out what had been bothering me. It wasn't easy, but to use a math analogy (!) I had to work the problem. Every problem has a solution; I just had to do the work.
Sidebar: I was a horrible math student, by the way. I wanted the answers to just appear. Logically, I could figure out what the answer should be, but I didn't do the work to actually produce the solution. And when it came to complex problems, I really did not--for the lack of a better term--do the math. There were many math tests that came back with the words, I know you know the answer. But you have to show the work. Sigh.
My heart was crushed. I told everyone I was fine, but really, I was heartbroken at the rush of critiques that came my way. I can live this life that I want to live, I can become this person I believe God wants me to be. My heart is a lot more resilient than I give it credit for.
Failure doesn't always mean defeat.
But first, I have to get out of this dreary cave I'm in and try again.
And that life that is laid out before us is filled with the glorious and the challenging.
--Hal Sparks, Thoughts on Summer
I think I can. I think I can.
--Watty Piper's The Little Engine That Could
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