Traveling Library

This post is for Sara. I love you, my beautiful friend!

My grandfather collects books. He used to receive books from everywhere, but the ones I loved most were the leather bound books from the Easton Press. They were mostly books written by literary greats and philosophers. As a child, I ran my fingers long the covers of those books, longing for the day when I could be old enough to read them. The first one I read from that collection was Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

I loved it.

Growing up, I picked up my grandfather's habit of collecting books. I had a library of my own as a child, but when I became too old to read those books, they were donated to the Fairwood Public Library. Since then, I had accumulated a lot of books to add to my ever-growing library.

Apparently, some of those books never make it out of the car.

When I was cleaning my car for my carpool to BSF one Monday night, I discovered a collection of books. I was known for keeping pairs of shoes in my car, but I never realized I was building a mobile library as well.

So, Sara (and for those interested), here is the list of books I found in my car. Let me know if any of these are books I had borrowed from you...otherwise, you may never get it back!

1. The Great Divorce, CS Lewis

2. The Story of Painting, Sister Wendy Beckett

3. Jesus Wants to Save Christians, Rob Bell

4. Desiring God, John Piper

5. The Measure of a Man, Sidney Poitier

6. The Republic, Plato

7. The Last Undercover: The True Story of an FBI Agent's Dangerous Dance with Evil, Bob Hamer

8. Waking the Dead, John Eldredge

9. Spiritual Leadership: Moving People on to God's Agenda, Henry & Richard Blackaby

10. The Pilgrim's Progress, John Bunyan

11. Six American Poets: An Anthology, Edited by Joel Conarroe

12. The Hour I First Believed, Wally Lamb

Yes, I am a nerd.

Struggle and Joy

Have you ever been in a place where people actually looked at you with hatred?

In the recent past, I have had that extremely uncomfortable experience. Yes, I responded with fear, and sometimes with courage. I was able to hold on to my emotional filter, but became completely unhinged after a few hours of holding in my emotional response to this group's judgment and rejection. (Thank you to those who have forgiven me for my stupid outburst.)

But as a whole, I am very glad that I had walked into the lion's den. I had a lot of fear, but out of that experience, I found joy and comfort. God protected my heart and allowed me the room to enjoy the event and my friends in midst the presence of those who hate me.

I'm not going to run toward another similar experience like this, but at least I know that with the grace of God and my friends, I can get through this with the iota of courage I have. I am certain that if another opportunity like this presents itself, I can still come out of the other side and not feel shame and fear. I can go through this struggle and find joy. I can go through this and not completely lose myself. I believe in a God that is bigger than this situation and that group of people. And have people who love me and will stand by me even if I mess up.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

--David, Psalm 23:5-6 (ESV)

And to that group of people who still hate me, you almost won this round. But know this: you won't steal another moment of joy from me.

Choosing a Different Story

I've been thinking a lot about the stories I've inherited.

A few days ago, I found out some stories about my family of which I had no idea. Considering that my family is prone to keeping secrets, discovering new stories wasn't a surprise, but the content of said stories certainly caught me off guard. As I contemplated these stories, I realized how much I had hoped that I had known these stories sooner. If I had known these stories, would I have been saved from sharing similar experiences?

Please don't misunderstand me. There are many things I wish to inherit from my family, many traditions and stories I want to continue and build upon. I'm not well versed in generational sin, but I do believe that there are some stories that I hope I will not continue. I want them to end with me. I don't want to pass down the shame and fear and isolation that seems to follow my family. I want them to live with true joy, true love, a true relationship with God. I want them to experience a different kind of story.

One of my deepest desires is to have my own family, and as of late, I've been contemplating the kind of legacy I would build for my family. I hope that my family will glorify God and enjoy the presence of his peace and freedom. I hope for my family an abundant life and not one that is afraid or lived in secret. I hope for my family love that is real and a love that they will not have to question or doubt.

Most of the time I find myself without much of a purpose. I've been told many times that I can't do certain things, usually resulting in me giving up. But of all the things I hope in my life, I will not give up this. I love the family I have now, but I want more for us. I want to pass on a different story.

So, for the family I hope to have someday, I'm praying for you.

And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.

-Ezekiel 36:26 (ESV)

And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the LORD, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD.

-Joshua 24:15 (ESV)

Planner

We must be willing to be rid of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

--Joseph Campbell

In high school, what kept me sane with my ever busy schedule (yes, some things never change) was my planner.

It kept everything--my schedule, notes, driving directions, photos, Post-its, Band-aids. My entire life seemed to be contained in that little day-time planner.

When I left high school, I stopped keeping time in a planner and trusted my memory to help me with my still ever busy schedule. As of late, I find that my memory is unable to hold of my daily itinerary. When I started to forget things, (and not just because I'm stressed) I broke down and bought a planner.

Although I understand that we have better, faster, sleeker tools to keep track of our time and to-do lists, I find it easier to have a planner that isn't on a computer. There is something about writing it down that helps me remember.

Now, I find myself in a similar dilemma that I had in high school: my life is again driven by action items and planned schedules. The lists keep getting longer and the time keep slipping away faster. Suddenly, it seems like the sum of my life is contained in these pages.

And I didn't plan on that.

Unfiltered Moment

I lent voice to thought and that was my mistake.

--Toby Ziegler, The West Wing

I'm usually better at filtering these things, but I'm deciding to forgo the filtering process in an effort to just get this out.

A few days ago, I realized that I hadn't posted a blog in a month. I had written things, but I couldn't bring myself to post them. To be honest, I didn't want to post the one about Ash Wednesday.

It happens nearly every single time I try to be bold and declare victory over this old Fear of mine. Once I think I've gotten somewhere, the Fear comes back with a new face and a new name, and reminds me once again to go back into my corner and remain silent.

I cannot describe the depth of how afraid I am. I can't explain why this one thing makes me immobile and useless. I'm different when this Fear comes my way; I am not myself. And it takes me a long while before I start to feel like myself again. Normal.

And I knew as soon as I posted that blog, the Fear would creep up and knock me down. This Sunday morning, I found out that I was not wrong. I was afraid and unable to ask for help. I had to keep going and keep pretending that it didn't bother me. But the entire time, I was shaking within, ready to burst at any given moment.

I knew some people very close to me would see that I was not myself. But would they understand? If I say it, make it real, would they know the depth of my fear? Would they be able to help? Would they be able to comfort me?

Would they believe me?

The Fear hurts me so much that all I want to do is cry.

I'm afraid because I do not feel safe. I'm angry because I finally found a people that I consider family and a place that I love and I don't want to leave it if we don't handle this external circumstance with integrity and sensitivity. I'm sad because there is pain here.

I know that I am strong. I know that everything will be all right. I know that there will always be another trial. Obstacles will always come; they are the constant, not the variable. I know how to deal with this. I understand this because I believe in a good God.

But for this moment, I want to break down and say that I can't do this. I want someone to prove me wrong and tell me that I'm worth loving, worth being protected, worth...something more than this awful way that I'm used to feeling. I want someone, even for just a moment, to absorb all of this pain for me and just take it away. I don't even want to be fixed; I just want to be comforted.

In the beginning, that's all I've ever wanted. And I've been searching for a long time. And whenever I come face to face with this Fear, I lose hope for the comfort that I seek.

I believe in a good God that loves me, but for this moment, I'm not certain that belief is enough.

But that is just for this moment. We'll see what happens in the next.

With All Of My Heart

I often don't get to put a lot of my heart into something.

Truly, the only time I fully express myself is at the piano. It's not a secret that I love playing piano with all of my heart. And I suppose the reason why is because it is one of the few things that I actually do with all of my heart.

Sometimes, this gets me in trouble when I play in front of people. I forget the filter and the heart is suddenly out there. In those moments, I hope that no one notices.

I don't know why it scares me to let others know what means the most to me. I save it either for the piano or this blog. At some point, I need to let the walls down, stop hiding from behind the piano and just share my heart.

But I figure that even if I find that in this process of learning how to share my heart I end up breaking it, I will always have the piano.

Welcome Landen Mauro Bishop!

I seriously love this kid. Welcome to the world, Landen!

Congratulations, Jenny and Paul!