Something Beautiful

"Have I your permission?" said the Angel to the Ghost.
"I know it will kill me."
"It won't. But supposing it did?"
"You're right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature."
"Than I may?"
"Damn and blast you! Go on can't you? Get it over. Do what you like," bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, "God help me. God help me."
Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such I never heard on Earth. The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed, on the turf...
"Nothing, not even the best and the noblest, can go on as it now is..."
--C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

I haven't slept in three days.

Which, apparently, is the only way to make me cry.

I kept saying, "I obeyed the Lord. Albeit a little late, but I did obey. Why this torment? Why am I still struggling with something that means nothing to me?"

Apparently, obedience often opens doors for a major spiritual attack. Nothing makes the Evil One more angry than a Child of God falling more in love with her Father and wanting to do more to please Him.

And so, the evil one played his dirty tricks. He twisted the thorn in my side to make me curse God. And God allowed it, not to torment me, but because he was creating something beautiful.

In the story above, the reptile turns into a stallion and the man into a glorious soldier. He let go of the reptile and let it be killed; not knowing what would happen, only knowing that something had to be better than how he was living now. He can no longer stand to be tempted by the creature he had treated as a pet. The reptile turned into something beautiful, and the man found himself also changed.

The reptile was a metaphor for lust, but we all have our tormentors. Even if we don't know what they look like. I have ignored mine for so long, but now, I can't. It was revealed in a beautiful conversation with someone God used to show me love and comfort. (Thank you, my friend. You are beautiful to me.) Now that I know this reptile's name, will I let it die? Will I cry out to God for help?

Hosanna. You are the God that saves us.

Although it is not promised, my hope is that He will create something beautiful, and perhaps, I, too, will be changed.

He has to come through. He hasn't yet, but I have to believe that he has to come through in this area that I had not let anyone touch.

The one who calls you is faithful and will do it. --Paul, 1 Thessalonians, 5:14.

Of course I am still hurting, but we're not done. Not yet. And that is a very good thing.

I Think They're Finally on to Us...

I was at the Y this morning and unfortunately, the only thing on TV other than the innovative flat iron that can shorten the beautifying of a woman's unruly curly hair by minutes, was the analysis of last night's Presidential Debate.

However, because I am me, my eyes did wander to the analysis. Apparently, the analysts had moved on from discussing the issues to a poll they had taken regarding who won in terms of how the candidates presented themselves.

It's the Nixon/Kennedy debate all over again.

So, this particular television newscrew had polled two groups of independent voters. (Yes, I thought that was an odd phrase, too) In keeping with the theme of the debate, there was no clear winner. Predictable.

As I'm listening to Black Eyed Peas ask me "Where is the love?", I read this caption as it glides on the screen: "The biggest surprise was that people are looking for different things than analysts are. They see things differently."

Apparently, analysts are surprised that they are different than us. I'm waiting for them to realize that the average voter doesn't care about spending hours analyzing polling data, predicting voting trends or interpreting spin. We're looking for someone to trust, and political analysts are not on the short list.

Seriously, for me, it's like finding gold.

Red Shoes

I am on a mission.

In a random series of events, I've been thinking a lot about The Wizard of Oz. It was my favorite movie growing up, and I have this vague memory of waking up and immediately asking my grandparents to put the videotape in the VCR.

I own that tape to this day, complete with the CBS logo and the commercials of a time long gone by. (Ask me about the McDonalds ad. Sigh. I don't miss the jingle at all.) I have long debated purchasing the DVD version that would fully capture and preserve the movie in all its Technicolor beauty. I'm afraid it just won't be the same without the commercial interruptions.

Also, growing up, I wanted to be Dorothy. From the curly hair, to the blue dress with a bow in the back, and of course, the ruby slippers--I wanted to be her.

Of course, my dreams were dashed when someone in school told me that I could never be Dorothy because my skin color didn't quite match.

Silly Kindergartners.

Which brings me back to my mission. I won't buy the blue dress, but I am going to find a pair of red shoes. I don't think I have ever bought a pair of shoes that wasn't black or brown. But I will get some color in my life. I will own that pair of red shoes.

Gotta love the silliness. Thanks for indulging me!

Release

The struggle is finally over...ish. (I'm sure another one is in the horizon).

I am always sad when things end. I hate when things end and when I have to walk away. But I came to this realization that the decision wasn't mine. God made my decision and asked me to obey. My decision was to obey.

As with most things, it was easier than I had thought. It was still hard to put my foot down, turn on my heel and walk away, but it wasn't the soul-breaking thing I had feared.

I hate hurting people's feelings. I hate breaking people's hearts. But its not my decision. I don't see the bigger picture that God does. All he wants me to do is obey.

Funny thing is, once I followed up my words with action, the release that I had been seeking for so long finally came upon me. I could no longer remember why I was fighting.

I just hope I remember this when the inevitable storm on the horizon appears and I end up with the same kind of struggles. And maybe this time, I'll be quick to obey instead of wondering how I can hold my breath and survive on my own.

I wish for many things. But this isn't about wishes. This is about choices. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong? --Buffy

My Castle in Denial

I'm moving.

I'm closing up my castle in Denial and moving on. To where? Hopefully a chocolate factory.

The situation that I have eluded to for the past few months has overwhelmed me. I can't handle it any more. I haven't been able to handle it for a long time, but it has to stop.

I was talking to one of my co-workers and she shared with me about a hard decision she had to make. (You are amazing, my friend!) And it dawned on me how I have avoided the decision laid before me.

I didn't believe that God would give me the courage I needed to make the decision. I didn't believe that God would comfort me when I went through the effects of my decision. And I didn't believe that I deserved any more than what I was experiencing these past few months.

This is why I must move out of Denial.

God has so much planned for me, but I can't get anywhere with him if I don't leave this place. And my decision not to make a decision was a choice I made. And a poor one at that.

So here I go. I'm making a choice. And I don't care if it is right or wrong. I'm making a choice to follow God.

And he doesn't dwell in Denial.

You'll never be a better kind if you don't leave the world behind.
--Weezer, "Keep Fishin'"

Struggling with a Sure Thing

You'll never be a better kind if you don't leave the world behind.
--Weezer, "Keep Fishin'"

Right now, I'm watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the Johnny Depp version)...and apparently listening to Weezer.

As most of you know, my very first chapter book was a hardcover edition of Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was a well loved book--despite the scary illustrations from the original illustrator. (Believe me, the new editions now available in bookstores pale in comparison). My copy is still on my bookshelf.

At any rate, I'm watching the scene that is not part of the original story. In Tim Burton's version, Charlie, after a once-in-a-lifetime visit to the infamous chocolate factory, turns down Willy Wonka's offer to live with him and inherit the factory.

Charlie loved his family so much, that he could not bear to be apart from them, even if it meant having everything he had thought he had wanted. His wildest dreams were about to come true--but without his family, it meant nothing.

In other words, he walked away from a sure thing because other things matter more.

Of course, because this is a children's story, there is a happy ending. Sweet Charlie Bucket wins Willy Wonka's heart and they end up with a shared family and a chocolate factory. Not bad for a young kid with exceptional sense of integrity.

If only integrity was that easy to come by. If only life could be tailored to such happy endings. But it's not always the case. The decision isn't always as easy as they make it in the movies. At times, it is a struggle to obey.

However, I'm convinced that if we forget what really matters, we are likely settle for the sure thing and miss out on the real treasure that awaits us.

We may not always get the chocolate factory on this side of heaven.

Can we surrender our concern for the things that don't matter and live the rest of our lives for the things that do? --Tony Snow

Secret Judgment and Pleasant Surprises

I've been thinking a lot about trust.

Who do I trust? Do I trust anyone? If so, what do I trust them with? My life? My thoughts? My dreams? My secrets?

There was a running joke a few years back about my trust issues. I do, in fact, trust people. And if you got all 17 people together you will catch a glimpse of who I really am. It's not that I don't think people will keep a secret--I just fear their judgment of what I have to share.

Having been burned before, I'm not likely to share a whole lot with anyone. I am sorry that people in the past of ruined it for those in presently in my life and for those I have yet to meet. But, I am working on it.

Today was the first real good day for a long while. It hasn't drastically changed my trust issues, but I believe that there are still people in the world who still want to do some good in it. There is a lot of pain and sorrow and hurt here. I see it everywhere I go. But I love it when God shows me the love and good and hope people are capable of demonstrating...even if it is found in the most unlikely of places.

I'm not as naive to start trusting people. We still have to be mindful to guard our hearts. But every once in awhile, people...even in the depths of their sorrow...can still surprise me.

And sometimes its enough to keep me going.