Pinched

I have a pinched nerve in my neck, and I'm quite uncomfortable. I so desperately want to see my chiropractor! :::grin:::

Ok. Enough of that nonsense. I haven't written in awhile, and I thought I'd check in. There are too many thoughts swimming in my brain and I need to make room for more.

Last Saturday, I had a couple of conversations with a common thread. Apparently, there was something I was not understanding from God, and he had use three different people to get his point across.

Sometimes I wonder if God ever shakes his head at me with disbelief on how dense and oblivious I can be.

At any rate, the conversation I wanted to focus on was of the same nature of the conversation I had with Random Guy. The oddest thing was she talked about my issues with laughing. Now personally, I don't have issues with laughing. At least, I don't think I do. I love laughing. I like people who make me laugh. I like people who laugh at themselves. I try to surround myself with those who are, for the most part, people who laugh.

I offered my friend the same answer I had given to Random Guy. Sure, I would like to laugh more.

And it was then I realized what was really going on in my brain. I do laugh with people, but I hardly ever cry with them. I just don't cry. When I do, its for a brief moment. I blink twice and the tears stop and the telltale signs of red blotchy eyes disappear. Its a practice that I am not proud of, but one I have perfected over many years of hiding.

The conclusion I have is this. I don't mind people who cry, its just that don't cry often. And when I do, it is alone. The running joke for awhile was, "Let me pinch my leg to see if I can muster up a single tear."

I don't think not crying in front of people it is necessarily a bad thing, but apparently, there are those who want more of me. Sure, I'll laugh with you, but I won't necessarily cry with you. And if I'm hiding from people, than odds are, I am also hiding from God.

Sigh. I just don't ever really learn these things.

My friend also stated that she sees that I am constantly thinking. This isn't an untrue or unique observation. But her next statement was:

"I sometimes think of how exhausting it must be to be you."

You have no idea.

But apparently, that was not God's intention for me. And I hope that if anything, with my constantly running thoughts, worries, and fears, I will give the filter a break. Let vulnerability win and rest.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
-Jesus, in Matthew 11:28-30