Losing Obsession

Ok. Last month, I declared that one of my goals was to get to a healthy body weight by next fall. My hope was that by living healthier was a good goal and one not based on vanity. I would focus on achieving a change in lifestyles instead of setting a concete goal in hopes that I won't become obsessed on how I look.

Vanity. It's all vanity.

And so, I made a silent pact with myself not to weigh myself. This came when I weighed myself last August after the stomach flu and toyed with the idea of becoming healthy. Eight weeks later, my friend asked me how much weight I had lost.

I must have made a face because she felt the need to explain herself. "You do know you're losing weight, right?"

Actually, I've been so good at denial, that I didn't even notice. I didn't think I had lost any weight. I look the same to me.

After much begging and prodding, she convinced me to weigh myself at the scale in our office space. She said that I would be surprised at the results. I didn't want to know, but then I did want to know...was any of this effort paying off?

And so I stepped onto that scale and slid the weights over to the right. I went straight to where I was before, and with utter surprise, I had to move it over to the left. I started with one notch. And then two. And seeing that I was making no progress moving it slowly, I slide it over the notch that was one pound less than where I was before.

No movement.

With a raised eyebrow I kept sliding the little weight that I had become so fearful of until the reader told me it was balanced.

Ten pounds.

Ten pounds? I blinked at disbelief. I then did the calculations in my head. Stats of every kind filled my brain. I then saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror and I still don't see the difference.

It was then that I realized how quickly I had stepped into obsession.

Vanity. All vanity.

So there's a fine line I'm walking. Although I'm proud of my achievement (even if I don't believe it) I don't want it to consume me. I'm still Abby. I was Abby ten pounds heavier and I am still Abby ten pounds lighter. I will still be Abby in Fall 2009 whether I lose the pounds or not. I intend to lose the pounds and my obsession...and not lose myself in the process.

But I will confess this: it feels good. And that's what I wanted to share at this random part of this journey.