Fitting Room and Scales

Apparently, for someone who hates puns, I use quite an awful lot of them. Question: if I flip-flop on my stance on puns, does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I can never run for office?

Well, there are a lot of reasons why I can't run for office. Flip-flopping on puns doesn't even round out the top 10.

Ok. I'm focused now.

This past weekend my family celebrated my grandma's 80th birthday. The extended family that do not live in Washington, planned a surprise party for my grandma and arrived without her knowing on Friday.

She cried when she finally registered that all of her kids were here to celebrate her. It was touching.

And I sat there, watching my family gather around for another reunion, I became more aware of how I really don't fit in.

I know my family loves me. And I have a lot of fun with them. But I get this sense that I am not really part of their ethos. For the life of me, I can't get over the idea that its because they don't think I'm beautiful.

They like beautiful things.

I mean, who doesn't?

It was odd, being ignored throughout this entire weekend and having nothing to contribute. I have enough of that with my church family. But this is blood relatives--shouldn't it feel different?

Their "rejection" of me isn't a shunning (I've been watching too much of the Office) but rather a tolerance of my being. I know they worry about my weight. How I look. My job. My seemingly forever single status.

I think they're afraid I'm going to die young, alone, and fat.

Sigh.

But in the end, they still love me, right?

And my aunt asked my mom if she was worried about my health and single status. I'm not sure what her reaction was. But knowing my mom, it was probably non-commital silence. I love you, Mom, but a little help from you couldn't hurt.

I know they're coming from a place of care and love. But I often feel if they thought I was beautiful, this would all be different.

It's all right. I just don't fit in here. I don't know why, and I don't think there is anything to change that. But I hope one day my family will see who I really am and come to realize that no matter how things appear...

...I'm not sure how I want to finish this sentence.

My grandfather made a speech last night (Saturday) about the four pillars of health. I don't mind these random speeches, and I used to hang on his every word. But this was uncomfortable. Everyone started comparing how many of the four they have. And when they looked at me, they seemed to already know what I lacked.

And it occurred to me that although flawed, this is what is most important to them. This is how they weigh priorities. I don't fit that scale at all. And I'm struggling to remember that in the end, that isn't what matters.

But it still hurts.

All beautiful you are, Darling, I see no flaw in you.
--the Lover, Song of Songs 4:7