...As per usual...here is my disclaimer: I don't blame the Cinderella story at all...
Work has been a real joy right now. Being in the research department for the call center has been challenging...and there is always something new every day. To that extent, I haven't had a lot of time to think about anything else. Normally this wouldn't bother me, except where I can't get out of my head the question that my pastor had proposed in his sermon a few weeks ago: what is your dream?
I used to hate admitting my dreams. I didn't want to be disappointed. However, I realize that keeping quiet doesn't stop the disappointment when dreams don't come true.
Who says that dreams can't come true? They do every day. It may not happen to me as much, but I have to believe that they do come true. I can't put stock in dreams. They, like a lot of things in this world, are bound to disappoint. So, do I ignore the wishes my heart makes? Do I settle for less? Or do I dare to dream big?
In my restless mind, I struggled with this question of "what is your dream?" And this is my conclusion. I can dream big, but I can also believe in a big God.
God knows the desires of my heart and the dreams I keep hidden in my heart. He only wants to bless me with good things. I cannot hold onto my dreams. But the hope I have in God...that is something worth holding onto.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Weight Loss
I've been working on it for awhile. I wasn't sure if that day will come, but I dreamt about it.
If I did my hair one way, if I wore this sweater or this shirt, if I worked out, maybe I'll see it.
If had enough counseling or memorized enough Bible verses, maybe I'll be over it.
If I played the piano in a certain way, wrote the perfect story, did enough good deeds at church so they won't betray me, I'll finally believe it.
But I didn't see it coming. I didn't know how much I had lost until I finally gave up trying. And today, it happened. I was going to the restroom and I caught my reflection in the mirror.
And I didn't hate myself. I looked at the mirror and only saw beauty staring back. In that moment I believed that I was finally happy with myself.
I hadn't realized how much weight I had carried hating and hiding from myself.
If I did my hair one way, if I wore this sweater or this shirt, if I worked out, maybe I'll see it.
If had enough counseling or memorized enough Bible verses, maybe I'll be over it.
If I played the piano in a certain way, wrote the perfect story, did enough good deeds at church so they won't betray me, I'll finally believe it.
But I didn't see it coming. I didn't know how much I had lost until I finally gave up trying. And today, it happened. I was going to the restroom and I caught my reflection in the mirror.
And I didn't hate myself. I looked at the mirror and only saw beauty staring back. In that moment I believed that I was finally happy with myself.
I hadn't realized how much weight I had carried hating and hiding from myself.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Scotland
Apparently, I have a recent fascination with Scotland.
How did it happen? I read a book. Since then, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering into a place that has so much beauty and history and struggle and castles...
...and men with thick accents.
Its been a rough couple of weeks, but Scotland seems as good a place as any to escape. Even if it its in my mind and the books I read.
Books are our friends. Reading is good for you.
--Mr. Trampe
How did it happen? I read a book. Since then, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering into a place that has so much beauty and history and struggle and castles...
...and men with thick accents.
Its been a rough couple of weeks, but Scotland seems as good a place as any to escape. Even if it its in my mind and the books I read.
Books are our friends. Reading is good for you.
--Mr. Trampe
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Enough
This weekend, I attended the Christian Musician Summit. This was my second year, and like most sophomore years, everyone kept comparing it to last year. The concensus was that last year, they felt more bonded because they were in the same car. This year, we had a caravan of a few cars.
I had no comment to share because last year, I drove up seperately. And since I was sick, I didn't have a voice.
Sigh.
Last year, I was feeling a lot of sadness and discouragement from my new role in worship team and my walk with God. I confessed that I was having a hard time with God being enough.
This year, I had an unusual experience. Even after all the madness and chaos and disappointing situations I was in, I felt close to God. I loved that I was getting to know him every day. It is a sweeter song as of late, and I had never had that experience when I'm attending a church function.
Odd, huh?
I thank God that he had taken me to that place of peace in midst of storm, hope despite despair. And may I ever be an overflow of praise for Him.
I had no comment to share because last year, I drove up seperately. And since I was sick, I didn't have a voice.
Sigh.
Last year, I was feeling a lot of sadness and discouragement from my new role in worship team and my walk with God. I confessed that I was having a hard time with God being enough.
This year, I had an unusual experience. Even after all the madness and chaos and disappointing situations I was in, I felt close to God. I loved that I was getting to know him every day. It is a sweeter song as of late, and I had never had that experience when I'm attending a church function.
Odd, huh?
I thank God that he had taken me to that place of peace in midst of storm, hope despite despair. And may I ever be an overflow of praise for Him.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Fitting Room and Scales
Apparently, for someone who hates puns, I use quite an awful lot of them. Question: if I flip-flop on my stance on puns, does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I can never run for office?
Well, there are a lot of reasons why I can't run for office. Flip-flopping on puns doesn't even round out the top 10.
Ok. I'm focused now.
This past weekend my family celebrated my grandma's 80th birthday. The extended family that do not live in Washington, planned a surprise party for my grandma and arrived without her knowing on Friday.
She cried when she finally registered that all of her kids were here to celebrate her. It was touching.
And I sat there, watching my family gather around for another reunion, I became more aware of how I really don't fit in.
I know my family loves me. And I have a lot of fun with them. But I get this sense that I am not really part of their ethos. For the life of me, I can't get over the idea that its because they don't think I'm beautiful.
They like beautiful things.
I mean, who doesn't?
It was odd, being ignored throughout this entire weekend and having nothing to contribute. I have enough of that with my church family. But this is blood relatives--shouldn't it feel different?
Their "rejection" of me isn't a shunning (I've been watching too much of the Office) but rather a tolerance of my being. I know they worry about my weight. How I look. My job. My seemingly forever single status.
I think they're afraid I'm going to die young, alone, and fat.
Sigh.
But in the end, they still love me, right?
And my aunt asked my mom if she was worried about my health and single status. I'm not sure what her reaction was. But knowing my mom, it was probably non-commital silence. I love you, Mom, but a little help from you couldn't hurt.
I know they're coming from a place of care and love. But I often feel if they thought I was beautiful, this would all be different.
It's all right. I just don't fit in here. I don't know why, and I don't think there is anything to change that. But I hope one day my family will see who I really am and come to realize that no matter how things appear...
...I'm not sure how I want to finish this sentence.
My grandfather made a speech last night (Saturday) about the four pillars of health. I don't mind these random speeches, and I used to hang on his every word. But this was uncomfortable. Everyone started comparing how many of the four they have. And when they looked at me, they seemed to already know what I lacked.
And it occurred to me that although flawed, this is what is most important to them. This is how they weigh priorities. I don't fit that scale at all. And I'm struggling to remember that in the end, that isn't what matters.
But it still hurts.
All beautiful you are, Darling, I see no flaw in you.
--the Lover, Song of Songs 4:7
Well, there are a lot of reasons why I can't run for office. Flip-flopping on puns doesn't even round out the top 10.
Ok. I'm focused now.
This past weekend my family celebrated my grandma's 80th birthday. The extended family that do not live in Washington, planned a surprise party for my grandma and arrived without her knowing on Friday.
She cried when she finally registered that all of her kids were here to celebrate her. It was touching.
And I sat there, watching my family gather around for another reunion, I became more aware of how I really don't fit in.
I know my family loves me. And I have a lot of fun with them. But I get this sense that I am not really part of their ethos. For the life of me, I can't get over the idea that its because they don't think I'm beautiful.
They like beautiful things.
I mean, who doesn't?
It was odd, being ignored throughout this entire weekend and having nothing to contribute. I have enough of that with my church family. But this is blood relatives--shouldn't it feel different?
Their "rejection" of me isn't a shunning (I've been watching too much of the Office) but rather a tolerance of my being. I know they worry about my weight. How I look. My job. My seemingly forever single status.
I think they're afraid I'm going to die young, alone, and fat.
Sigh.
But in the end, they still love me, right?
And my aunt asked my mom if she was worried about my health and single status. I'm not sure what her reaction was. But knowing my mom, it was probably non-commital silence. I love you, Mom, but a little help from you couldn't hurt.
I know they're coming from a place of care and love. But I often feel if they thought I was beautiful, this would all be different.
It's all right. I just don't fit in here. I don't know why, and I don't think there is anything to change that. But I hope one day my family will see who I really am and come to realize that no matter how things appear...
...I'm not sure how I want to finish this sentence.
My grandfather made a speech last night (Saturday) about the four pillars of health. I don't mind these random speeches, and I used to hang on his every word. But this was uncomfortable. Everyone started comparing how many of the four they have. And when they looked at me, they seemed to already know what I lacked.
And it occurred to me that although flawed, this is what is most important to them. This is how they weigh priorities. I don't fit that scale at all. And I'm struggling to remember that in the end, that isn't what matters.
But it still hurts.
All beautiful you are, Darling, I see no flaw in you.
--the Lover, Song of Songs 4:7
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Election Day
Yeah. Election Day.
Did you vote? :-D
This is history in the making and a future we're building--how could we not get excited?
Yet, come tomorrow, a new world will be open to us (hopefully). Still, even then, change doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen just because today is Presidential Election Day. But change is here. I just hope it doesn't die just because the voting portion has ended. Moreover, elections don't change who God is. And he is bigger than any elected official and those who did the voting. And that is a perspective I hope we never lose.
Yup. Tomorrow (hopefully) will be different, but we have the same God.
Oh, brave new world with such people in it!
Did you vote? :-D
This is history in the making and a future we're building--how could we not get excited?
Yet, come tomorrow, a new world will be open to us (hopefully). Still, even then, change doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen just because today is Presidential Election Day. But change is here. I just hope it doesn't die just because the voting portion has ended. Moreover, elections don't change who God is. And he is bigger than any elected official and those who did the voting. And that is a perspective I hope we never lose.
Yup. Tomorrow (hopefully) will be different, but we have the same God.
Oh, brave new world with such people in it!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Rights
Yesterday, I came across a political commentary stating a popular adage: if you didn't vote, you don't have the right to complain.
I have said this numerous times, but now I'm having second thoughts. You do have the right to complain, regardless of whether you voted or not. (Vote, people!). You should have the right to be mad that the economy is bad. You should have the right to speak out against a broken system. You should have the right to say that this world could be better and that you want more for Americanthan what our elected leaders alone can provide.
This sudden dilemma in my brain came about a few moments before I read that commentary. I was reading about the refugees in the Congo and the rebels advancing to Goma. People have fled their homes in search of sanctuary, only to face the dangers of meeting their enemies in the places they thought were safe. And the day before that, my co-worker and I were talking about the violent political history of Pakistan. There are people who say they believe in democracy who cut off the opposing extremists heads and raise their bloodied stumps in public as a warning to those who speak out against their political agenda. And before I wrote this blog, I came across an article about a 13 year old girl in Somalia who reported to be raped, only to be accused of adultery. For her supposed crimes, she was stoned to death.
It breaks my heart.
These people don't have a voice. And they probably never will.
Yes, America is broken, corrupt, ignorant and, at times, murderous. But we have a right to speak and have our voices heard. We have the right to say that we don't agree with our system and not fear violent retribution by extremists who don't agree with me based on their dogma against my race, my age, my gender, my creed. I have the right to say that the bankers are greedy and the government protects only those who have money. I have the right to a trial if I were ever accused of a crime that I didn't commit. And yes, I may not agree with our elected leaders...and I have the right to say so, whether I voted for them or not.
So, sure, I'd like for everyone to vote. I'd like a perfect candidate that won't disappoint. But most of all, I would like not to take for granted the freedom I have to speak and be heard.
If you didn't vote, or if you voted for the guy I didn't vote for, or if we voted for the same person, it doesn't change our right to complain or crow if the world does or doesn't change. Just because the Presidential Election cycle is drawing to a close doesn't mean we get to stop exercising our right to speak and preserving right for others to disagree. There will still be issues in the world and our nation when November 4 passes us by and when the new president takes oath on January 20th.
The bigger crime isn't whether you voted or not. The bigger crime comes on all the other days that don't merit a countdown on CNN. The bigger crime occurs when we had the freedom to speak against injustices of any size and chose, instead, to remain silent.
Vote. It may not be the best or most effective expression of our freedoms, but it is one of the many freedoms we have in this nation. And one that we should not take for granted.
I have said this numerous times, but now I'm having second thoughts. You do have the right to complain, regardless of whether you voted or not. (Vote, people!). You should have the right to be mad that the economy is bad. You should have the right to speak out against a broken system. You should have the right to say that this world could be better and that you want more for Americanthan what our elected leaders alone can provide.
This sudden dilemma in my brain came about a few moments before I read that commentary. I was reading about the refugees in the Congo and the rebels advancing to Goma. People have fled their homes in search of sanctuary, only to face the dangers of meeting their enemies in the places they thought were safe. And the day before that, my co-worker and I were talking about the violent political history of Pakistan. There are people who say they believe in democracy who cut off the opposing extremists heads and raise their bloodied stumps in public as a warning to those who speak out against their political agenda. And before I wrote this blog, I came across an article about a 13 year old girl in Somalia who reported to be raped, only to be accused of adultery. For her supposed crimes, she was stoned to death.
It breaks my heart.
These people don't have a voice. And they probably never will.
Yes, America is broken, corrupt, ignorant and, at times, murderous. But we have a right to speak and have our voices heard. We have the right to say that we don't agree with our system and not fear violent retribution by extremists who don't agree with me based on their dogma against my race, my age, my gender, my creed. I have the right to say that the bankers are greedy and the government protects only those who have money. I have the right to a trial if I were ever accused of a crime that I didn't commit. And yes, I may not agree with our elected leaders...and I have the right to say so, whether I voted for them or not.
So, sure, I'd like for everyone to vote. I'd like a perfect candidate that won't disappoint. But most of all, I would like not to take for granted the freedom I have to speak and be heard.
If you didn't vote, or if you voted for the guy I didn't vote for, or if we voted for the same person, it doesn't change our right to complain or crow if the world does or doesn't change. Just because the Presidential Election cycle is drawing to a close doesn't mean we get to stop exercising our right to speak and preserving right for others to disagree. There will still be issues in the world and our nation when November 4 passes us by and when the new president takes oath on January 20th.
The bigger crime isn't whether you voted or not. The bigger crime comes on all the other days that don't merit a countdown on CNN. The bigger crime occurs when we had the freedom to speak against injustices of any size and chose, instead, to remain silent.
Vote. It may not be the best or most effective expression of our freedoms, but it is one of the many freedoms we have in this nation. And one that we should not take for granted.
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