Losing the "Me" in "Team"

I've been quiet lately, and it mostly has to do with the fact that I am very angry.

This Sunday morning, my worship team was up. As a piano player, you don't get a whole lot of songs where you're not just playing block chords or fills. I usually don't mind because I am part of the team. When I had rejoined the worship team, it was pointed out that sometimes, the best I can offer are the things I don't play in between each note.

Being a classical pianst, this has been a struggle. I'm used to filling every measure with notes, and I had to learn the art of the "rest."

Silence can be golden.

So when I have an opportunity to actually lead a song I get excited. And this week, I had one song all to myself. I don't mean to sound proud, but I was excited to have this opportunity. I get to work on a song and see how I can make it better. The musician in me that I have long ignored craves these moments.

And so I practiced. It reminded me of working on songs over and over again for choir. I poured over the music and listened to it non-stop. I wanted this to be a good offering to the Lord and to offer more than what I had done in the past.

Of course, our practice Sunday morning was rough. And I couldn't hear myself play and see how I matched up with the band. It was to the point where I wondered if I walked off the stage if it would even matter. I felt isolated and ignored. It was heart-breaking. Usually, I don't mind because I'm two-notes-at-a-time-fill-in-girl. But I wanted to hear if my hard work on my one song had paid off. So I didn't mind that I couldn't hear myself during worship.

It isn't about me, after all. Its a team with an audience of One.

Every service, we have a recording. We use these records to listen to our blend and work on what we could do better. I rely on these recordings to become a better musician, to work on the one gift I believe God had given me.

And so I reach the end of the sermon, and nothing. Silence. Nothing. I don't know the reason why, but I'm guessing that it had to do with a timing issue. Plus, its just me. It wouldn't benefit the entire band to hear my one song. They can't learn from it.

With my wounded pride, I destoryed the CD that recorded this horrible Sunday. Of all the horrible things that happened this past week, practicing that song was my highlight and I have nothing to show for it.

I know this isn't true, but I was already feeling like I had nothing to offer. And the fact that my one offering this week was not part of the team CD just offers further proof of my insignificance on this team.

I will probably regret this venting session, but part of me doesn't care. I had hoped to be a good member of this team, and I know this mostly my pride talking. But I have gone this entire week believing there is nothing good in me, except for one single thing...and I have nothing to show for it.

So all that is left to offer is silence.

But that isn't always a bad thing.