Joyful Distraction

It has been an eventful week. And of course, I want to take a break.

I started reading my books on Scotland again, once again resuming my affair with Scotsmen, their rich history, landscape, and kilts.

Don't even get me started on the devastatingly adoring accent.

It amazes me that even after a trial that could consume me for days, life resumes it frantic rhythm. How easily the devil tries to distract us from what is really important. But I hope that i will not win over me. I cannot be so immature to think I can do anything on my own. I cannot stray far from the grip of God.

But I must confess: I am not used to this feeling of freedom, of lightness in step. Yes, things are still hard, and the road may still seem forever long. There are pains in this world that need our attention and prayer, and I am not immune from pain.

But it is nice to breathe again; to smile that doesn't reflect sadness, but geunine peace and happiness. God spoke into my life when he gave me my name, and I hope that in any telling of the story of my life so far, it will be a source of joy.

Trials never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is feeling now, that was not here before, and is not just on the surface of things, but penetrates all the way through: we've won it. Its going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things.
--Robert M. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainence"

Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
--Anais Nin

I have come so that you may have life to the full.
--Jesus, John 10:10

An Overflow of Praise...

This year went by really fast. There was a lot of heartache, stretching, and pain, but out of all of those things, God created beauty, joy and peace. My plan for this year was to continue my week of lists from last Thanksgiving week, but this week proved to be a little more interesting than that.

However, I wanted to get this list out today. I am overflowing with praise for my Father God, who made all of these things possible in my life by his generous grace and fierce love.

1. My "church" family. God has created a family for me. Most of them I met at the church I currently attend, but all are fellow believers who walk through life with me. I had not realized how I had taken this group of people for granted, but I know more than ever just how much I love everyone. I am a better person because of all of these people, and I hope that I may be a blessing to them in some way.

2. Tuesdays with my best friend, Natalie. It has saved me a couple of times from doing something stupid. I can't imagine doing life without my friend!

3. The coffee shop. There are no words to describe how this place has become a sanctuary for me. I spent many hours there to hide, to laugh, to just be... I know my coffee boys don't know how much they mean to me and the comfort they have given me in the form of a cup of coffee. Their crazy antics reminded me not to take life too seriously. They laugh at all my stupid jokes and they let me sit for hours at the end of the bar as I watch the Olympics on the internet. Sanctuaries can be good.

4. My worship team. They don't know it, but I would have given up everything and chosen a worse kind of living if it weren't for them. It hasn't always been easy, but I know the music is sweeter because of the relationships we have built with each other and with God.

5. My job. I love it so much right now. I am thankful for my co-workers, who remind me every day just how blessed I am to work at a place like World Vision with people who love God and love his people.

6. The Sunday night small group. I know we've just met, but I love all of these ladies very much. They are fun people who love God and want to know more of Him. They invited me in and accepted me so easily. It seems like we have been friends forever! They are a great picture of what true community living is like. I want nothing but the best for each of them.

7. My family. They drive me crazy, but I love everyone of them.

I could go on and on and on and on...which is just a testimony of how good God is and how truly blessed we all are. May I never forget God's blessings and may I always be an overflow of praise for him.

Grace Notes

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
--Paul, 2nd Corinthians 12:7-9

Its been a rough couple of days. I don't want to get into the details for the sake of privacy, but I did want to share what God has shown me during this time of sudden trial by fire.

For a long time now, I have held onto some anger and bitterness. I didn't realize how much I had until I calculated the time: 13 years. Half of my life had been wasted hating someone that I had given too much power to. It had been so much a part of my life that I didn't have to think about it. You say this person's name and I was suddenly a different person. And it would torment me for weeks.

How does someone become free of all of this? How does someone let go of something that was so second nature?

This past week, I realized just how much I didn't want to become that person any more. I wanted it to be over, to finally sing that final note in this recurring verse. I wanted it to be done.

I always thought that I would have time. It turns out that I couldn't wait forever. I had the chance to extend grace and finally have peace. I had imagined the moment for so long, but the outcome was far different than I had wished; my emotional reaction was completely surprising and unexpected. I suddenly didn't know my lines, didn't know the song, didn't know what to do.

Except cry out to God.

In music, they say that grace notes can make the song sweet. In this case, I agree.

I was reminded that His grace was for all. I was so angry that I wanted to keep withholding it, to keep myself from feeling anything other than anger towards this person. But it was killing me. And it did not please my Heavenly Father.

How does one let something like this go?

I went on believing that I didn't have grace to offer. That what I had to offer was a paltry offering, not worthy of sharing. But it could mean so much. And God uses all things.

So I gave what I could--this small grace offering to the person I was convinced didn't deserve it. Sigh...the wonders of our gracious God.

Amazingly enough, God turned it to something beautiful. Suddenly, I didn't hate this person. I no longer held what he had done against him and I no longer wanted to see him punished. I wanted him to know that even though I did not love him, God does. I wanted rest for him. I wanted peace for him.

May he find it.

And the grace I extended I realized was the grace that had only been given to me by the only Father that I do call my own.

My Daddy. Abba, Father. It has never meant so much to me than it does now. If it is truly over now, I know I only found it through grace.

Any other word...

For two years I had gone without a nickname. At my last job, I was primarily known by a nickname one of my co-workers had affectionately bestowed upon me. The nickname became so popular among co-workers and customers that hardly anyone knew what my real name was.

And so I relished the two years without a nickname. That is, until I was chatting with a couple of friends and a story came out, revealing the nickname I had hidden for so long. It was like Christmas for them, finding out this name that revealed the past that I kept secret from them. For about an hour, the name was reborn, resulting in a flood of memories in my brain and a flush of red on my cheeks.

The story had died down, but it was of note to me the power of a name. It was from so long ago and it had held so much shame and sadness in me. But as the name had slipped as I told the story, resulting in good-hearted laughter and joy, the power of the name had gone. I don't know what that means, (then again, does it have to mean anything?) but I hope that it indicates that I have moved on from the stories that I had avoided from my last job. Maybe now I can look back and not be sad or in denial of the person that gave me that name.

And maybe it will just be a name.

What's in a name? A rose by any other word would smell as sweet.
-Juliet, Romeo & Juliet.

...a wish the heart makes...

...As per usual...here is my disclaimer: I don't blame the Cinderella story at all...

Work has been a real joy right now. Being in the research department for the call center has been challenging...and there is always something new every day. To that extent, I haven't had a lot of time to think about anything else. Normally this wouldn't bother me, except where I can't get out of my head the question that my pastor had proposed in his sermon a few weeks ago: what is your dream?

I used to hate admitting my dreams. I didn't want to be disappointed. However, I realize that keeping quiet doesn't stop the disappointment when dreams don't come true.

Who says that dreams can't come true? They do every day. It may not happen to me as much, but I have to believe that they do come true. I can't put stock in dreams. They, like a lot of things in this world, are bound to disappoint. So, do I ignore the wishes my heart makes? Do I settle for less? Or do I dare to dream big?

In my restless mind, I struggled with this question of "what is your dream?" And this is my conclusion. I can dream big, but I can also believe in a big God.

God knows the desires of my heart and the dreams I keep hidden in my heart. He only wants to bless me with good things. I cannot hold onto my dreams. But the hope I have in God...that is something worth holding onto.

Weight Loss

I've been working on it for awhile. I wasn't sure if that day will come, but I dreamt about it.

If I did my hair one way, if I wore this sweater or this shirt, if I worked out, maybe I'll see it.

If had enough counseling or memorized enough Bible verses, maybe I'll be over it.

If I played the piano in a certain way, wrote the perfect story, did enough good deeds at church so they won't betray me, I'll finally believe it.

But I didn't see it coming. I didn't know how much I had lost until I finally gave up trying. And today, it happened. I was going to the restroom and I caught my reflection in the mirror.

And I didn't hate myself. I looked at the mirror and only saw beauty staring back. In that moment I believed that I was finally happy with myself.

I hadn't realized how much weight I had carried hating and hiding from myself.

Scotland

Apparently, I have a recent fascination with Scotland.

How did it happen? I read a book. Since then, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering into a place that has so much beauty and history and struggle and castles...

...and men with thick accents.

Its been a rough couple of weeks, but Scotland seems as good a place as any to escape. Even if it its in my mind and the books I read.

Books are our friends. Reading is good for you.
--Mr. Trampe

Enough

This weekend, I attended the Christian Musician Summit. This was my second year, and like most sophomore years, everyone kept comparing it to last year. The concensus was that last year, they felt more bonded because they were in the same car. This year, we had a caravan of a few cars.

I had no comment to share because last year, I drove up seperately. And since I was sick, I didn't have a voice.

Sigh.

Last year, I was feeling a lot of sadness and discouragement from my new role in worship team and my walk with God. I confessed that I was having a hard time with God being enough.

This year, I had an unusual experience. Even after all the madness and chaos and disappointing situations I was in, I felt close to God. I loved that I was getting to know him every day. It is a sweeter song as of late, and I had never had that experience when I'm attending a church function.

Odd, huh?

I thank God that he had taken me to that place of peace in midst of storm, hope despite despair. And may I ever be an overflow of praise for Him.

Fitting Room and Scales

Apparently, for someone who hates puns, I use quite an awful lot of them. Question: if I flip-flop on my stance on puns, does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I can never run for office?

Well, there are a lot of reasons why I can't run for office. Flip-flopping on puns doesn't even round out the top 10.

Ok. I'm focused now.

This past weekend my family celebrated my grandma's 80th birthday. The extended family that do not live in Washington, planned a surprise party for my grandma and arrived without her knowing on Friday.

She cried when she finally registered that all of her kids were here to celebrate her. It was touching.

And I sat there, watching my family gather around for another reunion, I became more aware of how I really don't fit in.

I know my family loves me. And I have a lot of fun with them. But I get this sense that I am not really part of their ethos. For the life of me, I can't get over the idea that its because they don't think I'm beautiful.

They like beautiful things.

I mean, who doesn't?

It was odd, being ignored throughout this entire weekend and having nothing to contribute. I have enough of that with my church family. But this is blood relatives--shouldn't it feel different?

Their "rejection" of me isn't a shunning (I've been watching too much of the Office) but rather a tolerance of my being. I know they worry about my weight. How I look. My job. My seemingly forever single status.

I think they're afraid I'm going to die young, alone, and fat.

Sigh.

But in the end, they still love me, right?

And my aunt asked my mom if she was worried about my health and single status. I'm not sure what her reaction was. But knowing my mom, it was probably non-commital silence. I love you, Mom, but a little help from you couldn't hurt.

I know they're coming from a place of care and love. But I often feel if they thought I was beautiful, this would all be different.

It's all right. I just don't fit in here. I don't know why, and I don't think there is anything to change that. But I hope one day my family will see who I really am and come to realize that no matter how things appear...

...I'm not sure how I want to finish this sentence.

My grandfather made a speech last night (Saturday) about the four pillars of health. I don't mind these random speeches, and I used to hang on his every word. But this was uncomfortable. Everyone started comparing how many of the four they have. And when they looked at me, they seemed to already know what I lacked.

And it occurred to me that although flawed, this is what is most important to them. This is how they weigh priorities. I don't fit that scale at all. And I'm struggling to remember that in the end, that isn't what matters.

But it still hurts.

All beautiful you are, Darling, I see no flaw in you.
--the Lover, Song of Songs 4:7

Election Day

Yeah. Election Day.

Did you vote? :-D

This is history in the making and a future we're building--how could we not get excited?

Yet, come tomorrow, a new world will be open to us (hopefully). Still, even then, change doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen just because today is Presidential Election Day. But change is here. I just hope it doesn't die just because the voting portion has ended. Moreover, elections don't change who God is. And he is bigger than any elected official and those who did the voting. And that is a perspective I hope we never lose.

Yup. Tomorrow (hopefully) will be different, but we have the same God.

Oh, brave new world with such people in it!

Rights

Yesterday, I came across a political commentary stating a popular adage: if you didn't vote, you don't have the right to complain.

I have said this numerous times, but now I'm having second thoughts. You do have the right to complain, regardless of whether you voted or not. (Vote, people!). You should have the right to be mad that the economy is bad. You should have the right to speak out against a broken system. You should have the right to say that this world could be better and that you want more for Americanthan what our elected leaders alone can provide.

This sudden dilemma in my brain came about a few moments before I read that commentary. I was reading about the refugees in the Congo and the rebels advancing to Goma. People have fled their homes in search of sanctuary, only to face the dangers of meeting their enemies in the places they thought were safe. And the day before that, my co-worker and I were talking about the violent political history of Pakistan. There are people who say they believe in democracy who cut off the opposing extremists heads and raise their bloodied stumps in public as a warning to those who speak out against their political agenda. And before I wrote this blog, I came across an article about a 13 year old girl in Somalia who reported to be raped, only to be accused of adultery. For her supposed crimes, she was stoned to death.

It breaks my heart.

These people don't have a voice. And they probably never will.

Yes, America is broken, corrupt, ignorant and, at times, murderous. But we have a right to speak and have our voices heard. We have the right to say that we don't agree with our system and not fear violent retribution by extremists who don't agree with me based on their dogma against my race, my age, my gender, my creed. I have the right to say that the bankers are greedy and the government protects only those who have money. I have the right to a trial if I were ever accused of a crime that I didn't commit. And yes, I may not agree with our elected leaders...and I have the right to say so, whether I voted for them or not.

So, sure, I'd like for everyone to vote. I'd like a perfect candidate that won't disappoint. But most of all, I would like not to take for granted the freedom I have to speak and be heard.

If you didn't vote, or if you voted for the guy I didn't vote for, or if we voted for the same person, it doesn't change our right to complain or crow if the world does or doesn't change. Just because the Presidential Election cycle is drawing to a close doesn't mean we get to stop exercising our right to speak and preserving right for others to disagree. There will still be issues in the world and our nation when November 4 passes us by and when the new president takes oath on January 20th.

The bigger crime isn't whether you voted or not. The bigger crime comes on all the other days that don't merit a countdown on CNN. The bigger crime occurs when we had the freedom to speak against injustices of any size and chose, instead, to remain silent.

Vote. It may not be the best or most effective expression of our freedoms, but it is one of the many freedoms we have in this nation. And one that we should not take for granted.