Separation Anxiety

Apparently, I've slowed down on my frequent blogging. I'm sure the seven people who read this have missed me!

I can't tell if my reason for my radio silence is because I've been enjoying all the blessings of helping out with the worship team for the 11 AM service or if I have been avoiding the many things that have been plaguing my mind as of late.

I'm guessing it is a little bit of both.

Right now, it's the deep breath before I plunge into Easter Weekend 2009. It has been a joy and a challenge. But what I worry about most is Easter Vigil. My sister and my brother-in-law will be fully confirmed as Catholics at tonight's mass. I will be attending this two hour (or so) mass at 8:30 PM. I haven't attended Catholic mass in nearly ten years. Having the order of Mass burned into my memory, I'm sure after five minutes, I'll remember when to sit, stand, and kneel.

However, my anxiousness over this Easter Vigil has been building over a few weeks now. And this is bigger than my separation from the Catholic faith. Just because I'm no longer Catholic doesn't mean I disagree with their choice. I am happy for my sister and my brother-in-law and I pray that they encounter Jesus in their faith journey.

I suppose I approach tonight with anxiety because I am reminded once again of the life I did not choose. I have made many choices that have set me apart from the rest of my family. Other than my faith, I have made choices that have developed a life that is vastly different than what the rest of my family had expected and hoped for me. My life looks different than how the rest of my family live their lives. This doesn't surprise me or anyone else in my family--I was always the different one.

I love my family very much, but I am not quite like them. And being reminded of that in very blatant ways hurts me more than I let on.

I don't know why God had chosen to set me apart from my family. And I don't wish things were different. I love the person that God is molding me to become. I wouldn't trade any of my experiences for another, nor do I regret the choices I have made or will make in the future.

I just don't quite have a handle on how to conduct myself during events like this. For two-three hours, I will be immersed in the life I had not chosen with the family I struggle relating to.

Although my life doesn't look like what I or my family had wanted for me, I trust that God's plan is for the good. He has a purpose for the choices I had made and road I had taken. And I pray that for the two-three hours during Easter Vigil, I will encounter God and be a blessing to those I have the privilege of calling my family.

Anxiety, I banish you.