Faith Struggle

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen...without faith it is impossible to please God for anyone who comes to him must believe he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
--Writer of Hebrews, Chapter 11, Verses 1...6

Faith is one of those things I can't wrap my mind around. So, allow me to ruminate a bit. Please forgive me for the vanity and indulgence that brings about this entry.

How do you know if you have faith? It's kind of like humilty. Once you think you're humble, suddenly you're not. The moment I absolutely believe...doubt suddenly creeps in. In thinking about this concept of faith, I have, of course, complied a list:

One: Faith changes everything. Today, I read through Jesus's miracles. Faith, it seems, is what "impressed" Jesus most. How many times does the variation of the phrase "your faith has saved you, now go" appear at the end of a miracle?

Two: Faith, like most things, has more to do with God than with me. There are many things that I believe God will do. Time after time after time, God has shown his faithfulness. Regardless of the outcome of my life--good/bad, vibrant/stale, happy/sad-- His faithfulness endures. His hope never disappoints, his love never fails and his faith is always true.

Three: Faith and fear are related. Another thing about faith that totally boggles me is this idea that those who are afraid have no faith. In the story where Jesus calms the storm, he rebukes the disciples, correlating their large fears with their little faith. Does that mean that fear reflects faith? If we are unafraid, does that mean we have no doubt? And what about that infamous list in Hebrews 11, the "Hall of Faith"? Did they doubt? If they did, were they afraid? Or did they always have faith that could move mountains?

Four: Faith is more than reason. Around this time, I get completely frustrated and give up. Reason tells me that there are things I have to work out for myself; that not everything works out in the end. Reason tells me that I don't deserve anything, and any glimmer of happiness is just a gift I should not take for granted. Reason tells me that being active is better than wishing for things to be better. Reason demands proof. All of that is good, and but the balance comes in when faith reminds me that no matter what reason dictates, it does not change the fact that I can have faith that God never ceases. At times, I wish for the days when reason didn't rule my life and I could just believe...know without a doubt...have faith.

Where did this sudden obsession with faith come from? I guess my short answer is this: I have come to this realization that I don't believe God in certain places in my life. And it bothers me. I hate that fears and reason separate me from seeing how God is glorified in my life in places where I only see darkness. And my prayer and hope is that God will reveal his purpose through this present struggle.

Even if its small, I have faith that he will. He always does.