Rejecting Acceptance

First, I absolutely love my job. Second, I'm sorry for yet another venture into my vulnerability. My next blog will be happy...er. I almost can promise that. :-)

I am constantly amazed at how blessed I am to be working at World Vision. The relationships I have formed there have challenged and encouraged me in more ways than I had ever imagined. I am truly blessed to work there.

Today offered more proof of God's faithfulness in plucking me from a job I hated (and hated me...or loved me, depending on what stories you know...but I don't want to talk about it right now) and brought me to a place of healing. I was talking to one of my friends there who had just led a devotion at work. (We have devotions from noon to 12:25...so if you call us during that time, you won't get us. Hee!) And I told him I was very encouraged by what he had shared. I confessed that I was struggling with issues with faith. And this is what he said to me:

"Its good to have more questions than answers. If you have more questions, it means you're learning. Believing you have all the answers only stops the growth. You can keep wondering, keep questioning, but rest in the fact that you don't have to figure everything out. The mysteries of God are what theyr'e supposed to be: mysteries. So stand in awe. He's a mysterious God."

I love my job.

But here's a little insider tip about my friend. He actually attends the church that turned its back on me. He knows my family. And he knows...well, you know. (And if you don't, you can ask me. Just not during the month of July). It's not that really important to bring up except for the fact that he reminds me a lot of...well, you know. Its weird at times, to be in a place of healing and be reminded of when you were had been rejected.

Honestly? I don't think the church betrayed me as much as I believe they rejected me.

The biggest mystery of God is that he doesn't think we're unworthy or beyond loving. His sacrifice redeemed us--an ungrateful, ungracious, unloveable people. His love overcomes all of what makes us ugly. Having been rejected for being ugly before, I am just waiting for God to reject me. And yet...he hasn't.

Maybe I'll take the advice my friend-who-is-not-Tony gave me and stop trying to figure out when God will reject me, and rest in the fact that he won't. And perhaps in my rejection of his unfailing acceptance is probably why I'm not fully experiencing His joy.

Just another thought in my overcrowded brain.