Wishing for Something Good

A little disclaimer: I understand that wishing for things to change doesn't actually change things. But following is a rant. Logic doesn't apply here. Be warned. :-D

This week has been filled with both the glorious and the challenging. Categorically speaking (sigh...) my week has been rather good. Enjoyable, even.

But for the moment, my thoughts linger on the challenges. Maybe this is what happens when I spend too much time with my family.

I went home last night from a family function with the same feelings and thoughts that have accompanied me the past several family dinners these few months. I marvel at how different and set apart I am from them. We are biologically connected, but we hardly relate. And it largely has to do with the fact that they don't know me.

This breaks me more than I let on.

Usually I can handle these things, but it's been getting harder. It is only by the grace and strength of God am I even able to continue.

Of all the awkward craziness I had to deal with this week, there is one particular incident that nearly broke me. Right now there's an envelope in my living room that I don't know what to do with. Inside that blue envelope is a letter, the contents of which I have no earthly idea how to process. My inclination is to ignore it--there are other things that need my attention. We don't have time for me to be dark and broody.

I also want to rebel...tear up the letter and burn it from existence and memory.

But for the most part, I want to break down and cry. This is too much for me.

I don't know what to do. I just keep wanting things to be different. I want my life to be more than this. But I have no idea how to walk away. I want God to rescue me because I am far to tired to keep fighting the same stupid battles that I can't possibly win.

I wish for something good to happen. Soon.

However, since I know that God is always working, something good is already happening.

So let me modify my last statement: I wish that someone could just hold me and let me know that everything is going to be all right. And maybe, I'll believe them.

Ok. Rant over.