Unexpected Joys

I won't lie. 2008 did not start well. As I ventured into the first fifteen days of 2008, I found myself looking at a year full of disappointment, shame, heartache.

However, I am happy to say that 2008 did not end up that way. Yes, the aforementioned things did occur as expected, but there was also pure joy, happiness, healing, peace and blessings upon blessings.

God is good all the time.

2009 is fast approaching (already here in some places that are not in this hemisphere) I find myself looking forward to all the expected and unexpected joys ahead. I am not sure what is in store for me in 2009, but as I had mentioned before, I am afraid of the unknown. I like to be sure of the things ahead and plan accordingly. Which, I'm finding, leads to disappointment and failure.

All the time God is good.

Thankfully, God is still God. Based on what the latter half of 2008 has shown me, it is always better when he does it.

Everything becomes a pleasant surprise.

Passing Moments

Sometimes the holidays can get to me.

Most of the time I don't mind being alone. But when it comes to the holidays, I am often reminded that I do not have a companion that I can share these moments with. It makes me crazy to feel like I'm missing out on something great and special and wonderful. And if I focus on these things, I end up missing out on the moments in front of me.

I understand that this takes time. I understand that it will be well worth the wait. And I understand that God has a plan and that it is good.

But at times like these, I have to be reminded of this. I hope that I will enjoy these moments and not let them pass me by.

No, I can't bear to live my life alone, I grow impatient for a love to call my own. But when I feel that I can't go on, these precious words keeps me hangin' on: I remember mama said, "You can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait."
--Diana Ross, "You Can't Hurry Love"

Are You Kidding Me?

Sigh.

Question 1: Why is it that the things you no longer want to have happen finally happen the moment you decided you no longer wanted them?
Question 2: Why is it that the things you want to have happen hardly ever happen the way you hope/expect/want them to?

Answers are completely welcome.

Can You Vague That Up a Little?

I live life afraid.

In today's sermon, Rob asked what we would change about ourselves in 2009. I usually don't think about this question until the yearly sermon on resolutions Rob ends up doing the Sunday before New Years. (Poor Rob. But he always does a great job!)

At any rate, I kept thinking about how fearful I am. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of people's perceptions of me. I am afraid of people's expectations of me. I am afraid that I will disappoint others. I am afraid of the things I really want. I am afraid that I will lose the things I already have.

I live life afraid.

Without saying too much, I will offer this: I have hope in my heart that I haven't had in a long time, if ever. And I am a little frightened because I can't intellectually get myself through this. Reason and logic have little room in this. I need to have faith and believe that a little trust can go a long way.

I know I need to trust God and believe that he is good. He will take care of me. He will not lead me astray. He has taken me this far, why would I not believe that he would take care of the rest?

Sing, Daughter, precious child of the King. He anxiously awaits to pleasantly surprise you with the desires of your heart. His hope does not disappoint.

I do not need to be afraid. But I am fearful because I don't know what is going to happen next.

For someone who never sees things coming, I am pretty stubborn in wanting to know how everything is going to work out.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.
--Paul, 2 Timothy 1:7

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
--John, 1 John 4:18

Random Musings

My thoughts are everywhere today. But since I'm not doing much of anything else right now other than drinking coffee, I thought I'd probably compose a list...

1. Insomnia, Part 13? I seriously don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't sleep. I don't drink coffee past noon. I don't even have a different sleeping routine over the holidays. I'm not currently stressed out about anything. And yet, I just can't seem to stay asleep. The sleep clinic sounds better and better every wakeless minute I spend in bed.

2. Stupid tires. The low tire warning light worries me. I know I need to get the tires checked, but I can't afford anything to fix anything right now. I keep hoping that it will magically fix itself. If don't know its broken, then maybe it's not broken. I know that's crazy logic, but there you go.

3. Accents are fun. I was delighted when I found out that one my favorite grocers had transferred from the grocery store I used to frequent to the one I currently shop at. I love talking to the guy. His accent is just too adorable! If it were a Scots accent, it would be game over. Alas, it is not.

4. February 3rd. I have a little over a month left of enjoying this temporary position at work. My co-worker's maternity leave ends on this date and it doesn't appear that my department would be able to offer me a permanent position. I really don't mind going back to the phones. And I am sure that most of the relationships I have cultivated during these few months will continue to grow. However, what plagues me most is something God wants me to trust Him in, and I am fretting and worrying over the unknown. I can't even possibly express what I will miss most when I leave this position. But I have to believe that there is purpose behind all this and that it is for the good. Even if I don't understand it right now.

Ok. That's enough processing for the moment...

A Different Kind of World

I've been waiting for a hero who's brave and strong. Someone to love me, someone to tell me I belong. So I pretend I'm satisfied, and I stand watching on the sidelines. 'Til You pull me into the light and say, "It's your turn now, welcome to your life!"

This time last year, I had awoken to a completely different world.

I had received mostly what I had asked for, but since it was apart from God, it couldn't mean anything to me. The words that were spoken to me were tainted by the intentions behind them. And it left me feeling smaller and lonelier than I had ever expected to be.

A year had magically gone by and I approached this Christmas with a different kind of spirit. Instead of wishing for things to be different, I was trying to enjoy the blessings I did have. I was blessed with a different kind of joy. I loved my church family, my friends, my job. I actually looked forward being with my family on Christmas Eve (even though the snow had threatened to change all that). The air I was taking in wasn't stale.

Life changes when lasting peace and true love are present in anyone's life. Anything else other than that merely pales in comparison.

I woke up this Christmas morning to a different kind of world. And it is better than I had ever hoped it could be.

Now I can finally start to live, take those chances I have missed. Things will be much different, now that I know You call me beautiful.

Song Quotes from "Call Me Beautiful," by Ginny Owens.

I Suspect Bing Crosby

Before I start, I hope that everyone who wished for a White Christmas enjoyed getting what they wished for!

Celebrating Christmas this year was a little different, but still fun. My cousin Sam is in the Philippines, and my cousin JJ couldn't make to my grandparents's house because of the snow. Although I missed Sam and JJ, I had the great opportunity to get to know my cousin Olivia (Smalls). For the longest time, I felt that I really couldn't connect with her because I believed we didn't have a whole lot in common. And because of the number of years that separate us, she and I never really got to talk much. However, this Christmas, she and I bonded over random conversations, card games, and falling asleep to Toy Story. We didn't get to bed until 5 AM. I really enjoyed getting to know Smalls and I pray that bond will not break.

I truly do love my family. And I am truly blessed to have celebrated Christmas with (most of) them. And when I think about Christmas this year, other than the white/gray snow that tried to separate us, I am glad I got to spend it with my church family, my family, and the Colliers!

Gloria! God is with us.

Christmas Eve

Due to inclement weather, my grandparents have decided to cancel Christmas.

Ok. I'm done being dramatic.

Because my grandparents have been unable to leave the house for the past week and a half, they are postponing our Christmas Eve celebration until this Saturday. I had a feeling this was going to happen, and had mentally prepared myself for this occurence.

And like with most things, I wasn't prepared for it emotionally.

I am sad not to spend Christmas Eve with my family. I know I usually come in late, and the time together is pretty much like every family dinner we have. I know we can see each other any time of the year since we are blessed to live so close to each other, but there is just something about seeing your family on Christmas Eve. And I guess I'm just sad that I won't be able to do that this year.

Update: The grandparents called. Christmas is back on!!!! Now if the snow will just cooperate and disappear so that I can make it to my grandparents's house and then leave the next day...

Dreaming Outside of Winter Wonderland

Yes, I like snow.

I liked snow when it meant that we got to stay home from school and look forward to hours of making snow angels, building snowmen and dodging snowballs. I liked snow when you watch the snow in the comfort of your own home in front of a fire and drinking hot chocolate. I liked snow when the child like wonder of the transformed world around you takes your breath away and all you felt was comfort and warmth and peace.

But there is this responsible adult within me that hates snow. I hate being cold. I hate watching the weather reports and letting it feed into my anxiety over the morning commute.

I want to be that child again and wonder at the land of snow. I want to get excited over the prospect of a white Christmas. I want to ignore all the gray and the dark ugly road littered with brown and dirty snow and see the fluffy white line the evergreens and bare branches outside of my window. Like with most things in my life, I want to simply enjoy this moment.

But for now, I'm dreaming of sitting on a warm beach in Hawaii.

Unrecognizable

I know I can love you much better than this. It's better this way.
--Sarah McLaughlin, "Full of Grace"

It's probably because its **still** snowing (sigh...I want it to stop!) I have had some time to think.

I had planned to sleep in this morning, but when my alarm went off at 6 AM, I lay awake, thinking.

I know, I know...thinking is a dangerous pasttime.

At any rate, I thought about my life and how much I have been enjoying it lately (despite the snow...). A huge smile was on my face and my heart is still bursting with joy. As I thanked God for his blessings for these few weeks, I realized that I hardly recognized myself.

And it was a good thing.

Of course, being the thinker I am (I wouldn't be me if I wasn't processing something) I decided to go into research mode. I pulled out my journals during this time last year and came upon the life I had lived at the beginning of this year. I hadn't realized how far I had come from the troubled life I had lived. I read those entries, yelling at Abby from Jan 08, pleading with her to see the trouble she was going to get into and begging her to see that there was a way out if she just looked up.

Despite all my pleading, it did not change the outcome. However, in the end, I wouldn't have traded those experiences as long as it still leads me back to this moment where I know for sure God loves me. To this moment where I know there is still hope. To this moment where I still believe in love.

I no longer recognize the Abby from earlier this year. And I hope that the Abby I am now will continue to grow and love better than she did before.

Delight

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
--David, Psalm 37:4

You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.
--David, Psalm 4:7

Like with most things, I didn't see it coming.

However, I am learning (forgive me, I am slow) that just because I am oblivious to something doesn't mean that it wasn't ever going to happen. Moreover (who uses that word any more?) it also doesn't mean that God hadn't been preparing me for the good things he had planned for me.

It has taken me awhile to actually write this, but I wanted to share about this past experience without sharing too much in a blog for the two people that actually read this thing. So here goes.

The week of Thanksgiving, an event occurred that I had long imagined but suddenly didn't know how to handle. My reaction was far more complicated and different than I had anticipated. But in the end, a choice had to be made. God was tugging at my heart, urging me to follow him to a place that I had no desire to go.

But if I had failed to take this opportunity, I knew I would regret it. I would be missing out on the life that I wanted to have. And I didn't know how or when I had stopped believing in the life I had hoped for.

To be quite honest, I didn't do anything. But the small offering I made out of an act of obedience was enough for God to use in a mighty way--not only in my life, but for others around me. And it is because of His faithfulness alone that everything that I could ever hope for has been blessed.

I honestly didn't see it coming.

In fact, I didn't realize it until my counselor had pointed it out in our meeting yesterday. After I had babbled about what has occurred since Thanksgiving, she asked me if it had been everything I had asked God for. I was pleasantly surprised to respond with a resounding "Yes!"

The past three weeks have been nothing short of amazing. Yes, it came through some heartache, but God has taught me so much about His forgiveness and grace and love and compassion and...and...and...

I am hesitant to say all of this because I am afraid that this joy will go away. Doubt rises and troubles me. I am not used to this kind of feeling, or this place of joy. I have had moments, but they soon went away. And I can't help but wonder when this will fade. I fear that something will happen that will jerk me back to a place of despair and struggle and sorrow and...and...and...

However, that is not the kind of God I serve. In every and any circumstance, I hope that I will continue to choose to be content. The world will want to test me, and it may come close to winning, but in the end, the enemy can't break me. This daughter belongs to God.

There are many moments of joy and many moments of sorrow. But right now, all I wanted to say is that for this moment, my heart is full of delight.

And you know what that means....the dance of joy. May it never end.

Silly Rabbit

On my way to work today, I saw a falling star.

At least, I hope it wasn't a crashing plane.

Very much chasing this silly feeling I've been experiencing lately, I made a wish. I laughed at myself for doing it, but the smile hasn't left my face.

I am amazed how the most childlike things can totally change the outlook of your day.

The only drawback? I have a song stuck in my head...

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away...

Croissant

A tragic croissant moment occurred when Craig killed the croissant Nick had dropped...








I hope Craig doesn't kill me
for this...

Breathing Lessons

It has been a very interesting, wonderful week.

And I'm not used to this feeling at all.

I am bursting at the seams with so much joy that I can hardly recognize myself. I'm not used to being the goofy girl. Yes, some circumstances are still hard but I can't help but hold onto the hope that everything really, truly is going to be all right.

However, with me still being me, doubt rises and I am troubled by my own experience with joy. I'm not used to having it be this way. Will I still have hope if the joy goes away? What if the next breath I take isn't as sweet as the one before? It's hard not to run with this feeling with the fear that it will go away.

I suppose that is the journey--to be in content in every and any circumstance.

But first, I need to learn how to breathe.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
--Paul, Letter to the Romans, Chapter 12, Verse 12.

Romantic Idealism

I don't know if it is a result of reading too many books as a child, but I think somewhere between all the reading and the thinking, I became an idealist.

Even worse, a romantic one at that.

There isn't anything wrong with that, I suppose, but I find that my idealism gets in the way. Reality isn't as grim as I think it is, and my expectations of how I want life to turn out won't result in the way I hope it should.

I wonder if I keep searching for something that won't exist, I might miss out what it right in front of me.

Silly thoughts. Effects of education, I suppose.

On Hold

I have an ususually high filter.

I often hold back to spare someone feelings--mine or someone else's. I often hold back because I don't want to be in the way. But mostly I hold back because I don't believe that what I have to offer is worth much of anything.

One of my biggest frustrations in playing the piano is that I feel like I'm constantly holding back. Now, this isn't to say that I'm really awesome at the piano (because I'm not) or because the worship team needs me to play louder (because that isn't always the case) but I am frustrated that I am not able to express what I truly feel.

Now, my current experience with playing with team (which is a different blog) is just an example. This is a common theme with my frustrations in general. I don't express much of anything in my heart and I usually cover it with what is in my mind.

And it is exhausting.

There has to a balance to all of this. I don't want to become a flood of feelings or a droning intellectual. But I'm struggling to figure out how to express and share in a way that glorifies God and stop holding back.

I hope that if I have a lower setting on my filter, I can still be a blessing.

On Guard

Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
--Writer of Proverbs, Book of Proverbs, 4:23

I was never really good at guarding my heart.

I don't know if it was a learned trait, or if I had stopped caring, but I have often given my heart to the care of those who had mistreated it. Beat it up. Cut it down. Spoke death to it. Crushed the life out of it. Killed it with kindness that only meant to harm. Shamed it into thoughtless submission. Used it for their own pleasures. Scattered the pieces until there was nothing left of it.

Only by the grace of God do I have much of a heart left.

After a nearly year-long trial (ask me later) I promised myself that I needed to make an effort to ensure that I would guard my heart carefully. I didn't know why I had to, but I held onto the hope that because my heart now belonged to God and is no longer mine, it is no longer my decision to whom I give this heart.

Knowing that, my heart should be in good hands.

That is, until I try to take it back.

The most recent test of this guardianship of this fragile heart came shortly after another test had ended. I cried out to Father God and asked him to help me guard my heart from those who seek to distract me from the life God has set before me. I didn't want to ask him, but I knew that it would be best.

Amazingly enough, (why are we always amazed that God answers prayers?) God let the scales fall from my eyes and I saw the distraction for what it really was. God promises me an abundant eternal life, and that begins now. That is the hope he wants me to cling to. The life he wants me to hold onto is good, and he has a plan for it. And that means that I can't always say yes to the things that I believe I deserve.

It pains me to say no to a "sure" thing, but when I remember that God will protect the hearts that he claims as his, the hurt doesn't last as much as I had feared.

God, my Lord who fiercely loves me, is the only one who would determine those who he deems able to take care of something he claims as his.

There's no place like home

I am not a nester.

I actually don't know what that word means. I'm not even sure if it is a word.

In any case, I am not used to having a home of my own. Granted, I live in an apartment--but its mine! Growing up, I lived with my grandparents. After that, I went to college--moved from dorm to dorm. Right after that, I moved in a with a friend of mine. And after that, I spent three years living with a different friend.

This is the first time I have a space that I call my own. It's been about nine months and I still have decorated.

First of all, I don't have a lot to decorate with. Secondly, I don't even know where to start.

Decorating is a foreign concept to me. It never used to bother me until last night when I wanted to decorate for Christmas.

I pulled the few things I have that may be considered festive. As I stood back at my paltry offering, all I kept thinking about was...

...I want more.

I don't have the time, money or the talent to make my home feel like Christmas. But for the ten minutes it took me to put out a few stockings and change a couple towels and a tablecloth, and added more candles on the fireplace mantle, I got bit by the bug for more.

Although I am not likely to invest any more time or money on it in the near future, I realized how excited I was to finally have a place to start making my own. The foreign concept of home is becoming a little more familiar.

It took me 27 years to get there, but its about time that my sanctuary isn't found hiding in a coffee shop.