Weekend Recap

I apologize for my sporadic entries as of late. I realize they've been lists lately; but that's all I can seem to put into words.

This past weekend I attended my Aunt Lou's and Uncle Ronnie's 25th wedding anniversary celebration. I had approached it with some apprehension and anxiety, but it ended up being a wonderful celebration. I was thankful to be part of the celebration, even if it meant staying up too late. But it's family. At least I was in a pretty, pretty dress.

Speaking of which, I had forgotten how much I like dressing up. I don't do it often, which speaks most to my self-esteem than it does to my financial ability to afford such fancy clothing. I won't share what I think about myself, but it was fun to be pretty on purpose for a day. I hated wearing the dress in the presence of my family; but with my church family, I felt radiant. Yes, the attention was a little much (that's what you get for wearing a pretty dress while on stage. I keep forgetting that people can see me when I'm on the worship team) but it was fun. The dress is in my closet now, and probably won't see the light of day any time soon. That is, unless, I deliberately find a fancy function to attend.

I'm in my normal clothes now, and suddenly, they seem so boring. :-D

Lastly, my friend Chifonne and I visited the Ballard campus of Mars Hill. The Lord has been speaking to me about the Holy Spirit a lot recently, which has completely rocked my world; but that's another blog that I'm still working on.

Mark Driscoll was preaching that night, and God used those words to speak truth and conviction in my life. It was good. I can't share everything I had learned in this particular encounter with God, but I will share this hard truth about suffering and sin. Although it can be ugly to look at, suffering can expose idols. And idols reveal our sin. No one likes to look at sin when it is their own, but in the process of looking at our idols and confessing our sins, our repentance and our subsequent reliance on God and his grace can become a beautiful act of worship to God.

May the Holy Spirit rest on all of you, my friends. When the Spirit does, may we truly know how to worship with more than just a song.

Random Surprises

I don't know why it always catches me by surprise every single time God does something I didn't expect or plan.

I love pleasant surprises.

The past few weeks have been difficult. I have one more event to get through and I think I'm in the clear for family get-togethers for awhile. Please don't misunderstand me, I love my family. But too much time spent with them often leads to heartache, disagreements, and disappointments. I am determined that this round that I will have the courage to show love even though I want to cry and hide.

I just need to make it through one more Catholic mass.

Other than that, I have been learning a lot about God's plans. I still don't know all the steps, but as of late, I have been encouraged by the most random of people. I won't be able to express or describe these random events, but they have all been encouraging.

I just need to hold onto hope that God's plans are better than I could ever plan on my own. I need to hold onto the promises God has spoken over my life and not settle on anything less. And if I can glean anything from what I had learned this past week, what God has planned may be unexpected, but always a pleasant surprise.

I love the way you love me, Lord.

This Weekend

I'm not quite sure what to write, but I feel like I should offer something. And since I promised for this entry that I would not be vague, I decided a list would be best. So here goes...

1. I love Portland. My best friend, Natalie, took me to a day trip to Portland for my birthday. It was a great blessing to leave the city and clear my head for a couple hours. By the time I got back, armed with a few books from Powell's, I felt refreshed and a little more like myself.

2. I love Powell's bookstore.

3. I am currently watching Season 1 of Lost. I miss Season 1 Jack. :-D But I definitely identify with his reluctance to be a leader and yet his penchant for being one.

4. I love my worship team. I am going to miss playing with them during the 9 AM services. Next Sunday will be my last Sunday on the 9 AM team. From there, I will be leading the 11 AM services.

5. I love playing for the 11 AM services. Every part of it brings me so much joy. Even the rehearsals.

6. I still get stage fright every time I play piano. I know I've mentioned this a few times before, but I thought it may be worth mentioning again. With that in mind...

7. I don't usually sing into the microphone, and my voice is not as trained as much as I'd like it to be. I still don't like hearing myself through the monitors, but after the first verse of the first song, I didn't mind it as much. Apparently, once I got over myself and let myself sing to my Beautiful God, it was fine (I hope!). I don't know how I sounded, but I pray it was good enough for my God.

8. My friend Kyle just returned from India. For five months, he had taught English to the children at a school one of our mutual friends helps fund. I am so proud of Kyle. I am glad he is back, but I know his heart is in India. I hope you get to return to India, Kyle. I'm sure the children would love to see you. And I know for sure that they will never forget you.

9. My friends Joshie and Tish just welcomed their second child. She is a precious one, and I know Henry will be a great older brother.

10. Sometimes, I like random things.

Ok, so technically, the last one is kind of vague, but hey...it wouldn't be a true Abby entry if there wasn't something vague.

All right. Back to work.

Awareness

For someone who thinks a lot, I am completely unaware.

Disclaimer: This is yet another vague entry because I haven't fully processed it yet. So hang in there. My next entry will be more concrete. I promise.

Last night, I was at a BBQ (yes, it was cold...but it was fun! Thank you, Kristin and Bard) and I was sharing about my Easter weekend. And as I told my story with great alacrity in hopes of getting the same surprised reaction I had, I was met with the opposite of what I had expected. (Seriously...who talks like me?)

It always catches me by surprise when people aren't surprised at how my life has been unfolding.

I don't know if it is because I had spent so long in Denial or because I have hit new levels of Obliviousness that I didn't know existed--but I am often finding myself wondering, "How did this happen?" "When did this start happening?" "Why didn't I see it before?" and the ever popular "What is going on right now?"

This isn't new to anyone, but I guess we are poor judges of what is happening when it is actually happening to us--especially when we are currently in midst of it.

The funny thing is, now that I have been made aware, everything has changed, and I go back to not knowing anything at all. Which is fine, because apparently, I didn't know anything to begin with.

Sigh. I'll get it some day. I really will. I'm almost sure of it.

Choices

I think that one of the many reasons why people don't choose something is that it also means not choosing something else.

Commit, people!

For the past two days, I realized that the choices I had made and the choices I am making aren't very well received by some I hold in high regard. (Ok...by this, I mean my family.) They don't say it, and they are supportive (for the most part) but they have a blind eye to some of the choices I made.

Especially in regard to my faith.

I don't know why it upsets me so much, but some of the things that were said this Easter weekend rubbed me the wrong way.

Ok...they hurt my feelings.

This isn't anything new, but I guess there is this optimistic part of me that had hoped that something would have changed. But in the end, they are who they are as much as I am who I am becoming.

It hurts that they don't know me. It hurts that they don't know what is important to me because they don't know me. It hurts that all they know is that I had left St. Stephen's but they really can't comprehend that I am no longer a practicing Catholic. It hurts to know that being Catholic is so important to them. It hurts to realize that what makes my heart beat isn't good enough for them. It hurts to see how truly set apart and different I am than the rest of my family.

And yet, if faced with another choice, I would still choose to make the same one. I would choose God all over again. And yesterday, I made a choice to abide in his love instead of trying to win theirs.

But just because I chose God over them doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt.

And I came to this realization (while I sipping my second Americano) when I came to the conclusion that choosing something meant that I was also choosing not to do something else.

Separation Anxiety

Apparently, I've slowed down on my frequent blogging. I'm sure the seven people who read this have missed me!

I can't tell if my reason for my radio silence is because I've been enjoying all the blessings of helping out with the worship team for the 11 AM service or if I have been avoiding the many things that have been plaguing my mind as of late.

I'm guessing it is a little bit of both.

Right now, it's the deep breath before I plunge into Easter Weekend 2009. It has been a joy and a challenge. But what I worry about most is Easter Vigil. My sister and my brother-in-law will be fully confirmed as Catholics at tonight's mass. I will be attending this two hour (or so) mass at 8:30 PM. I haven't attended Catholic mass in nearly ten years. Having the order of Mass burned into my memory, I'm sure after five minutes, I'll remember when to sit, stand, and kneel.

However, my anxiousness over this Easter Vigil has been building over a few weeks now. And this is bigger than my separation from the Catholic faith. Just because I'm no longer Catholic doesn't mean I disagree with their choice. I am happy for my sister and my brother-in-law and I pray that they encounter Jesus in their faith journey.

I suppose I approach tonight with anxiety because I am reminded once again of the life I did not choose. I have made many choices that have set me apart from the rest of my family. Other than my faith, I have made choices that have developed a life that is vastly different than what the rest of my family had expected and hoped for me. My life looks different than how the rest of my family live their lives. This doesn't surprise me or anyone else in my family--I was always the different one.

I love my family very much, but I am not quite like them. And being reminded of that in very blatant ways hurts me more than I let on.

I don't know why God had chosen to set me apart from my family. And I don't wish things were different. I love the person that God is molding me to become. I wouldn't trade any of my experiences for another, nor do I regret the choices I have made or will make in the future.

I just don't quite have a handle on how to conduct myself during events like this. For two-three hours, I will be immersed in the life I had not chosen with the family I struggle relating to.

Although my life doesn't look like what I or my family had wanted for me, I trust that God's plan is for the good. He has a purpose for the choices I had made and road I had taken. And I pray that for the two-three hours during Easter Vigil, I will encounter God and be a blessing to those I have the privilege of calling my family.

Anxiety, I banish you.

Undefined

A common theme I am experiencing is that I am quite uncomfortable with things I can't define.

Right now, the things that cause me the most anxiety are the things can't define. And for some reason, people won't tell me where I stand, what I'm supposed to do...etc.

I studied sociology for three years and there is this theory that people only understand their world based on social cues. Social construction of reality.

I don't completely buy into that, but I believe that people like to know where they are so as to figure out their future behavior.

Maybe that's why we have a hard time with the undefined, the unknown. We want to know what to do next, but we have no idea what that next step should be. We don't want to be wrong, to fail, to seem foolish. And so, we don't do anything. Risking foolishness, apparently, is an unforgivable crime.

I don't like things undefined. I can't take the cues from my social situations, social circumstances, social status or my understanding of social construction. I must wait on the Lord until he shows me the next step. Until then, I have to trust that the God of the universe knows what's going on, has a plan for the good, and is determining every step.

Yes, it's another lesson in trusting in God. But I will admit, this waiting's hard...especially since I don't know what's going on.

Struggling to Find Joy

Please forgive me for this blog. I haven't really thought this one through.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
--David, Psalm 34:18

Sometimes the biggest battle I have to fight is the one where I have to get out of bed.

This week has been challenging. It started out great and wonderful, but as time went on, I became disengaged in living. Quickly after that, I felt attacked at every side--everything I did--everything I had done--was wrong.

Why must we go through these seasons where we feel dry and empty; useless and heartbroken? I know I'm believing the lies I have fought for ten years. I'm tired of fighting. I almost want to give in, but I know I can't.

Is giving in the same thing as giving up?

I have a lot going through my mind. A lot of great things have happened that have completely blessed my life. But there is this one part of my life that I can't seem to let go. I want to trust God with this little part of my heart, but I'm afraid. And my stubborn insistence to hold and control this part of my life has caused more problems than joy. And I know nothing will change until I stop fighting. Joy will never come until I finally give up struggling and surrender all to the God who loves me.

It's gonna be all right. Even if I don't see it right now.

And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you understand you're the only one who's been faithful to me.
--Jennifer Knapp, "Faithful to Me"

Memory Loss

I don't care what the world throws at me now--it's gonna be all right.
--Joel Houston, "Salvation"

I apologize for the last post. I had an emotional breakdown and started thinking again. I don't know why I try so hard to stop myself from feeling something.

I really need to stop believing that what I feel is a bad thing.

At BSF (!) we are walking through the life of Moses. And just like every Israelite that had wandered through the desert, I complained. I grumbled. I forgot the goodness of God and how he had saved me.

I need to live a grateful life.

It's more than having faith in a God that is good. I can believe in a good God because I know that God is good. There are so many times in my life where he had shown his goodness through his unfailing love.

How easily I forget these things.

And so, as I go through this present trial, I hope to remember what God has done in my life and claim his unfailing love and good plan that he has in store for me.

Sigh. I feel better already. Back to work.

And I know that God saves the day. And I know his word never fails. And I know that God made a way for me. Salvation is here.
--Joel Houstin, "Salvation."