Funky Town

I am apparently in a funk.

How is it that I get into these moods of frustratingly numbing fear and extended periods of isolation? For the most part, life is fantastic. Fine, even. Fabulously wonderful.

But despite all of these feelings of being alive and the joy that comes from being used by God in a mighty way, I am experiencing a different kind of loneliness.

I've felt it many times before. I speak. I crack a few jokes. I play a few songs. I sing. Everyone knows my name and yet, I still feel as lonely as ever. I'm in a middle of a crowded room, all eyes are on me, and I feel utterly...disconnected. Isolation in midst of company, loneliness in the presence of people.

I've enjoyed these divine moments of feeling like myself again. I love every moment I get play the piano. I love that music dominates my life. I love my job. I love that God can use me especially when I don't feel usable.

But the other side of this very familiar coin is an anxious fear that I've run away from for ten years. It's starting to get to me. And I keep holding onto the hope that if I keep going, if I persevere through this trial and don't give up despite this feeling of loneliness that I fear will overwhelm me, that I will meet the life I had hoped for.

Everything's going to be all right. But for the moment, I'm spending some time in Funky Town.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen...without faith, it is impossible to please God, for anyone who comes to him must believe he exists and he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
--Paul, Hebrews 11:1...6

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
--Paul, Galatians 6:9