Funky Town

I am apparently in a funk.

How is it that I get into these moods of frustratingly numbing fear and extended periods of isolation? For the most part, life is fantastic. Fine, even. Fabulously wonderful.

But despite all of these feelings of being alive and the joy that comes from being used by God in a mighty way, I am experiencing a different kind of loneliness.

I've felt it many times before. I speak. I crack a few jokes. I play a few songs. I sing. Everyone knows my name and yet, I still feel as lonely as ever. I'm in a middle of a crowded room, all eyes are on me, and I feel utterly...disconnected. Isolation in midst of company, loneliness in the presence of people.

I've enjoyed these divine moments of feeling like myself again. I love every moment I get play the piano. I love that music dominates my life. I love my job. I love that God can use me especially when I don't feel usable.

But the other side of this very familiar coin is an anxious fear that I've run away from for ten years. It's starting to get to me. And I keep holding onto the hope that if I keep going, if I persevere through this trial and don't give up despite this feeling of loneliness that I fear will overwhelm me, that I will meet the life I had hoped for.

Everything's going to be all right. But for the moment, I'm spending some time in Funky Town.

Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things unseen...without faith, it is impossible to please God, for anyone who comes to him must believe he exists and he rewards those who earnestly seek him.
--Paul, Hebrews 11:1...6

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
--Paul, Galatians 6:9

No Room Here for Fear

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.
-Paul, 2nd Letter to Timothy 1:7

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
-John, 1 John 4:18

Today was a good day.

For the past week, I had been fighting with the notion of whether I was really a leader or not. I shied away from it; afraid of what other people might think of me. What if they hate me? What if they don't follow? What if I am not really leading anyone? Should I go back to being the person behind the curtain? (As in someone who hides; sadly, this is not a puppet master/Wizard of Oz/Ben Linus reference.)

At any rate, I fought with this role. Then I realized that things were harder because of my disobedience to follow God and how he chose to use me. I was more afraid of what people thought of me and as a result, I was not trusting my God who only offers me his unfailing love.

So this morning, I embraced God and tried to follow him instead of giving into my fears. Although I felt like I failed more than succeeded, I believe that God used me in some way. You don't have to be a leader to be used in a mighty way. We are only called to obey and stay close to God. And he will take care of the rest.

And as a bonus, I got to play music all day. It was exhausting work, but I loved every moment I was behind a piano and got to work with such wonderful musicians. I love my worship team (both 9 AM and 11 AM teams) and the Easter choir is going to be amazing!

I don't know why I easily forget these experiences and give into my anxious fears time and time again. Replacing fear with God's love can only lead to amazing experiences and divine moments. And I hope that I will not miss out on another beautiful moment because I was too afraid.

Anxiety, I banished you. And now, Fear you have no home here. Only God's love resides here.

The Moment That Shouldn't Matter

Today, apparently, is brought to you by the letter "M."

Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin

...they held so tightly to what they had that they could not open their hands to receive what was to come.
--Erwin McManus, "Chasing Daylight"

And we must be willing to be rid of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
--Joseph Campbell

Last Saturday, my mother and I had dinner in Seattle.

At one point, she and I had talked about relationships. Now, in the history of Abby and her mother, this is not a topic of conversation that comes up often, if ever. For the most part, the conversation went without incident, despite the vulnerable subject matter. However, at the end of the conversation, I admitted something that I don't usually let slip.

Mom: So, are you going to Christie's (my cousin from New Jersey, currently located in Virginia) wedding?
Me: As far as I know.
Mom: I thought about you after she got engaged. Also after Sam's (my other cousin) engagement.
Me: [nervously] In what way?
Mom: Well, I wondered how you felt with your younger cousins getting married before you.

Great. Yes, Mom. My greatest fears are coming true. Spinsterhood is on the horizon.

Me: It's fine.
Mom: I know.
Me: You don't have to worry about me.
Mom: I know. But I do. But I know why you haven't gotten married yet. You've had one event in your life that has made this very hard for you.
Me: [flippantly] There has been more than just him, Mom.

As they typically do when my mother jumps to the most devastating conclusion, my mother's eyes grew. Finally hearing what I had just said, I straighten up in my chair and tried to compensate. Clarify. Calm her fearful notions about her little girl.

Me: Don't worry. Nothing happened. Really. But yes, in the ten years I've been in Tacoma, similar events have happened. Some were beyond my control. Some were because I made poor choices. But I do not regret anything or anyone who tried to hurt me.
Mom: I didn't realize it was more than him. [To this day, she still can't say his name. Ah, the irony.]
Me: It's fine, really.
Mom: But it isn't. He started it all, didn't he? He is the reason why you're not married.
Me: He isn't the reason why I am not married. What happened did contribute, but he isn't the reason why I am still single.
Mom: But he's the reason why you're different. Why you're not ready.
Me: I don't know if being "ready" is the right question.
Mom: [not hearing me.] I didn't know there were others.

[Mom fidgets. I suddenly remember a similar scene when I was younger when I first told her about "him." I hold back tears as I try to help Mom through her crisis in her false belief that she had failed as a mother.]

Me: Really Mom, everything is going to be ok. I'm fine. You did nothing wrong.
Mom: [eyes still wide, but somewhat relieved.] Ok.

[Awkward silence. A familiar territory. End scene.]

I came away with our conversation with the following revelations:

1. My mother somewhat blames the event at St. Stephen's as the reason why I am not married.
2. My mother does not know me. Nor does anyone else in my family, for that matter.
3. The moment that my mother had referred to still affects me in a way that I do not care to admit or own up to.
4. Of the things that I fear the most, marriage and the Moment that Shouldn't Matter tops the list. I wish I could say I was courageous and that I could talk about these things without crying. But apparently, I can't.
5. Of the things that I struggle with most, marriage and the Moment that Shouldn't Matter, tops the list. For future conversations with my mom, I will remember not to wander into this territory.

I've been thinking a lot about this conversation with my mother a lot lately. I thought about why I wasn't married and how I felt about that. I thought about The-Moment-That-Shouldn't-Matter and how I felt still feel about it.

But for the most part, I wondered if there would ever come a time when I would unclench my rebellious fist, drop The-Moment-That-Shouldn't-Matter, and with an open hand receive the abundant life my Abba Father has for me.

I am much more than the things I fear. I am much more than what my mother believes about me. I am much more than the not married one in my family. I am much more than the Moment-That-Shouldn't-Matter.

I'm not there yet. But I will be.

Just not today.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
--John, John 10:10

A Guarded Heart

I've been home sick for the past week. As such, I have had plenty of time to think.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.
-Writer of Proverbs, Proverbs 4:23

They say that joy, once found, slips away. Apparently, in that light, it resembles humility--once you have it, you don't.

My last post was about pondering. I had a lot of great things to ponder and enjoy. And I knew that once I had written that post, I would come up against some tests that would make me regret saying that I had joy.

I was not wrong.

I guess with joy we should expect some sorrow.

These recent tests aren't devastating by any means. But they have brought to light this part of me that I don't quite trust God with yet. I have known for this for some time, but I didn't want to admit it.

I want to believe that God will do something great in this very guarded part of my life. But I know he can't if I don't trust him.

Perhaps, I have been a little too guarded.

Pondering

But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.
-Luke, Luke 2:19

I've been pondering a lot lately.

Obviously, pondering doesn't warrant a lot of blogging. Processing, however, does. And this is my clumsy excuse for not sharing a lot of things lately. I've been pondering.

I am entering a great new season in my life, and it has been one pleasant surprise after another. But there is this very human part of me that worries that somehow that something will happen to take it away.

And yet, there is this part of me that is very hopeful that this joy I have in my heart won't fade away.

I guess I'm not well-versed in having joy in any and every circumstance.

All of that to say that my heart is full of joy and excitement and this goofy smile isn't going away any time soon. And for the time being, I will be pondering on the treasures I keep in my heart.

Little Drummer Boy

Tonight, I had dinner with my mom in Seattle.

I would never want to live in Seattle, but I love this little city. (Yes, it is little. No, it will never be a metropolis.) After dinner, my mother and I were walking up Pine street. Because it is the Lenten season, flyers detailing the wisdom of the Dalai Lama were being handed out like candy at one corner while across the street a man literally stood upon a milk crate and screamed at the passersby that he loved them too much for them to go to hell for eternity and that Jesus Christ was the only way out.

And of course, in midst of the warring mouthpieces of contrasting religiosity, were the musicians.

Usually, I don't mind the musicians. Being a musician myself, I enjoy the efforts of those who have nothing other than their guitar, harmonica, accordian (yes, accordian!) violin, steel drum or a midi keyboard to keep them company.

Ah, the creative life isn't always a lucrative one.

However, the most enjoyable musican expressing their efforts was a little drummer boy on the corner of Nordstrom's. This kid is AMAZING. He must have been no more than twelve, with a big smile, sweet desposition, and natural talent for drumming. This wasn't just a banging on pickle tubs. He had rhythm, a strong beat, and an ear for sound. Music was pouring out of him through two sticks against a Kikkoman tub.

I loved it.

And in front of him was a little plastic tub, with a cardboard sign that simply stated: "College fund."

Too stinkin' adorable.

And for every dollar slipped into his donation jar, he smiled sweetly and said a genuine, "Thank you."

This kid could melt your heart. He certainly melted mine.
Good luck, Drummer Boy. You are very talented. I hope no one steals your money. I hope you get to college so that one day you can buy a drum set of your own. And maybe, I could say that I knew you when. I'm praying for you, kid.

P.S. I wish you could come play percussion with me at the 11 AM service. But since I can't steal you to come to church with me, maybe someday my church could come out to meet kids like you.

Communication Distrubance

Quick Observation Number 1:

I haven't been blogging as frequently as I had in the past few months. Usually when there is radio silence, it's because I'm dark and broody. This time, I'm not writing because I've been so "distracted" in my delight in the blessings God has recently given me.

I definitely enjoy the latter as my reason for my supposed silence.

Quick Observation Number 2:

I've been sending e-mails all day at work, which results in my inability to verbally communicate with regular people. There is literally a verbal train wreck in my brain and all the words come rushing out, often resulting in an odd mix of word salad. Sigh. At first glance, no one would know that I communicate for a living.

Quick Observation Number 3:

I'm finding an addiction to texting and instant messaging ever since I got a blackberry. Yes, I feel more connected, but I also see more opportunities for me to fail at communicating.

Anxiety, I Banish You

The title of this blog was brought to you by Rob Weideman.

I'm not known as being a courageous person.

Around New Year's, Pastor Rob had a sermon that led to this vow of not living life afraid.

Since then, I've encountered situations that test my fears. And in Pastor Rob's sermon today, I was reminded of my goal of living life without fear.

Anxiety and joy cannot co-exist. You cannot have one and expect to have the other. Anxiety, I banish you.
--from Rob's sermon, based on Ecclesiastes 11-12

I have dreams that I hold close to my heart. And as these recent exciting events and opportunities in life are unfolding in this apparently new season of my life, I, at times, find myself filled with anxiety. However, I must hold onto this encouragement: anxiety has no place in my life if I intend to enjoy the blessings of God. And God wants me to have an abundant life that I can enjoy.

I am a fan of the joy.

I have many fears. Failure, betrayal, loneliness round out the top three. (Believe me, I have more...) But I pray that in the presence of God and his unfailing love, they will flee. I have no room for them; there's too much hope in my heart. And I await with great expectation to see how God fulfills those desires for His daughter.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures in your right hand.
--David, Psalm 16:11

Anxiety, I banish you. Dance of joy, may you never end.

Voyeuristic, Much?

Yes, I still watch people. I must admit, however, it is not as fun as it used to be. At Starbucks, we used to watch people as they walked by our store, and we would guess what kind of coffee drink they would order based on how they looked, interacted with people, etc...

I was always wrong. So much for Sociology Abby.

Last Friday, I was stuck in traffic. Because there was nothing much to do other than singing along with the radio, I started people watching. However, there was a couple in the car behind me that caught my eye. I watched them through my rear view mirror, hoping to pass as someone who was a stickler for road rules.

Both of them were wearing sunglasses, which makes it harder for me to read their behavior. The man was driving, apparently on the receiving end of the heated discussion. The woman was emphatically gesturing, her hands flailing, her mouth distorting her face as it spat out each single word. I couldn't tell what the fight was about, and the only words I could recognize were the ones I can't repeat. She was angry and she wanted him (and everyone else) to know it. And he, sat and listened, his deadpan face revealing nothing that he was thinking.

I started to feel bad for the man. He seemed to have done this all before, having perfected the blank stare as his wife was tearing him a new one.

And then he spoke. His face turned ugly as an equally foul speech left lips. (People are uglier when they are angry) The woman was silenced, and if it weren't for the sunglasses, she might have blinked in disbelief.

I don't know what the man had said, but it was enough to break her. She started rubbing at her face, lifting her sunglasses slightly to wipe away her tears. She did this repeating motion of rubbing the skin under her eyes for a few minutes (right around block six of following me) before she finally raised her sunglasses atop her head to gain full access to her crying eyes.

And the man, stoic as ever, did not reveal his reaction to his weeping wife.

Now I felt bad for the woman. She seemed to have done all of this before, this wiping away of her tears as a way to comfort herself because no one else would help her.

Sure, I don't know what happened between them. They may not even be married. After eleven blocks of tailing me, they took a right and our brief story together ended. It was now left entirely up to my imagination.

I suddenly felt guilty for spying on this couple, so I said a quick prayer for them. I know I will never truly make it as a true voyeur, but I'm ok with that. Sometimes what I imagine is bad enough.

Dear Random People in my rear view mirror:

I'm sorry I spied on you. I hope everything is all right. It'll get better soon.

Sincerely,
Abby, Retired Voyeur

And to think that I was going to observe people for a living.

Be Anxious For Nothing

First of all, I want to say that I love my friends. You are my favorite. :-D

Secondly, here's a somewhat well-known secret: after twenty years of playing piano in front of an audience, I still get stage fright. I never got used to performing in front of people.

The anticipation is the worst. Right before playing, I am a shaking bundle of nervousness. But once the music starts, I forget all my fears and it is just me, the music, and whoever happens to be listening at the time.

However, the anxiety I have been experiencing this past week is different. I am just afraid of playing poorly. I hid behind other people and let them take the lead. I forgot that God, for reasons only He knows, chose me for this position. To say that I can't do this is like daring to say that God made a mistake when he chose me.

1. God doesn't make mistakes.
2. I certainly do.

And I have to remember that it is ok. I may fail as a person who leads worship at 11 AM services. I may fail as a piano player. I may fail in living a creative life. I may fail in general.

I have to trust that God will equip me. I have to trust that God has a purpose for me. I have to trust that God knows what he is doing when he put me here. I have to trust that God is molding me into the person he wants me to be. I have to trust that whether I succeed or fail--whether I believe I am a leader or not--God is going to use me.

But we can't get anywhere if I'm still anxious.

Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
--Paul, Philippians 4:6-7

Hiding in Public

I have spent a lot of my time trying to stay invisible.

Whether it is hiding behind my sociology degree, behind a piano, behind my propensity to be awkwardly shy, I aim to achieve this pretense of a private life.

And yet...

I recently was offered an opportunity to lead worship for my church's second service. If you ask me about it, I have described it in a way where it sounds like I'm helping lead worship instead of being a "worship leader."

I don't think I really lead anyone.

But there has to be this healthy balance of not making yourself seem too important and not making yourself seem insignificant. It doesn't matter if I don't think people are watching, people are because I will be in front of them. I'll still be behind the piano, but I will also have a microphone in front of my face. There's no hiding there.

I will also be visible every Sunday morning. You can't lead from the back of the room or behind a curtain. (I suppose you can, but not very well.) There's no hiding there.

This opportunity isn't strictly a "behind the scenes" role. I just can't focus on my backstage interactions, I have to consider my front stage interactions (ah, it's Sociology Abby again!) There's no hiding there.

And whether I like to realize it or not, people will have the freedom to openly judge and criticize me because whether I believe it or not, I am a leader. There's no hiding there.

For someone who likes to pretend to live a private life, I end up leading quite a public life.

It's been ten years since I've done something like this. I guess there's only so much hiding one person can do.

And Never Was Heard a Discouraging Word

But everyone who prophesies speaks to men for their strengthening, encouragement and comfort.
--Paul, 1 Corinthians 14:3

And Saul's son Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God.
--Writer of Samuel, 1 Samuel 23:16

I have been encouraged this past week. Some of it was directly said to me, and some of it without my knowledge (well, that is, until someone else told me...). A large portion of encouragement wasn't found in words, but a small action like a smile or a pleasant surprise.

It amazes me what happens when we let our guards down and show someone we care, or that someone cares about us. You can find the confidence you lack when you hear that someone believes you can do anything. You can get through the toughest of storms when you find the support from family and friends. You can find the strength to get up and persevere when someone extends a helping hands. And the best moments of our life can be made more sweet when we are able to share an exciting story with someone who celebrates with you.

At times, our lives are marked by those who had betrayed us, discouraged us, abandoned us, rejected us, broken us. Our hearts are not protected, but rather attacked. The ending result is a shell of a life. I think we forget that we can speak life or death into people's lives. We may not think it means a lot at the time, but what we say and what we do can affect someone in a mighty way.

What we do (or don't do) matters.

All of us may not be able to prophesy the way that Paul had described it, but we can be a good friend. We can be blessings or curses. Of the two, I hope that I can be a blessing.

I have been encouraged by many people this week. And I'm finding that makes all the difference.

Be encouraged, friends.

Creative Living

Has it been this long since I've posted a random thought?

I know, I know...the seven people who read this are probably going through shock and withdrawals.

At any rate, I suppose a large contributor to my lack of blog has to do with the fact that I am in awe of how amazing God is. February was a little bit a of a struggle (grr...Sara, your disdain for February is now shared by me. Grr.). I won't lie, I was whining a lot...

...and apparently, wishing for something good.

Why is it that we are always surprised that God is already working in our lives? We believe that He is working in all things and the plan is good because He is a good God, but when it actually happens, we shake our heads in amazement as if we were taken by surprise.

I guess it has less to do with our belief that God is working and more to do with the fact that we realize that we really don't deserve the things He gives us.

Something good happened recently. Ok, a lot of somethings good (I know that looks weird. Think culs-de-sac and attorneys general. Trust me, it's right--the nerd has spoken) have happened recently.

However, one almost didn't come to pass because I was too afraid of failing, of taking a risk, of rejection. Little did I know that people were advocating for me to make up for the confidence I lack. Without them, I don't think I would have the opportunity to try something new. My gratitude will never be enough to let you know how much you mean to me!

While I was praying over my decision, one of my friends asked me:

"This is what you have been dreaming of. Why wouldn't God equip you to do something you've always wanted? Why wouldn't you take it?"

There have been opportunities that I have passed up because I didn't want to leave people behind, or because I was too afraid, or because I was going to fail. And I have used these excuses to distract me from what God was doing in my life.

He was going to give me the desires of my heart, and it boggles my mind to think that I wasn't going to take it.

And so...Creative Life, here I come.

Partly Cloudy, Partly Sunny

When times are good, be happy, but when times are bad, consider: God has made one as well as the other.
--Solomon, Ecclesiastes 7:14

Today has been full of contrasts.

This morning, on my way to the Coffee Shop, I was distracted by the blue sky and sun streaking through the dark clouds as the rain poured itself onto the earth. I love the rain, but I also love the sun. And this morning was a perfect mixture.

But the best surprise was across from the Coffee Shop; a perfect rainbow arc. The rainbow was beautiful, even though the end of the rainbow was the Bartell Drugstore--which is nothing like a pot of gold. When I got out of the car, sans slipping, I was even more delighted to see that it was a double rainbow.

I love the way you love me, Lord.

I was talking with one of the baristas at the Coffee Shop about the rainbow. I asked him if I thought it was going to rain or shine. Drawing conclusions from the dark clouds covering the rainbow I had seen a few moments earlier, he opted for rain and darkness. Jokingly, I rolled my eyes.

Me: You forgot your lines, Coffee Boy. Do you want to try that again?
Coffee Boy: [laughing.] You can always count on my optimism.
Me: Yes. That's exactly why I come here. "It's going to rain. It's going to be dark. You're going to spill your coffee on yourself. You're going to slip and fall off the stage." Optimism at it's best. Don't let anyone tell you that you're a realist. It's all lies.

[Coffee Boy continues laughing at me.]

Me: Well, at least I make you laugh.
Coffee Boy: Yes, I am in a better mood now. I can count on you for that. Even if it is at your expense.
Me: That's why you guys pay me the big bucks. When someone thinks you're bad moody, they call me to come in and do something stupid just so you could feel better.
Coffee Boy: [still laughing.] That's how we work around here.
Me: Well, I don't care if it rains. I like both the rain and the sun.
Coffee Boy: It's a good thing that in Washington you often get both at the same time.
Me: And it's the only time you'll get a rainbow.

We can't be afraid of the bad or hope to only prolong the good. We need the bad to fully know what is good, and we need the good to help us get through the bad. Whether things are good or bad, dark or light, rain or shine, hope or struggle, valley or mountain top, desert or promised land, we need both in order to see how things truly are.

And maybe only then can we be not afraid of our circumstances, our plans, our futures. Maybe only then can we not focus on a life that is perfect and without pain. Maybe only then can we live life that is fully engaged and abundant.

All right, I'll stop. Metaphor, you have been milked.

I don't know why the rainbow meant so much to me today, but I needed it. Recently, my life has been full of competing contrasts, that I got lost in the chaos of it all.

I needed to know that I can keep going and hold onto hope. I needed to remember what God has promised me. I needed to believe that God's plan isn't to leave me in the desert. I needed to be reminded that everything is going to be all right.

I needed to see that in midst of everything going on right now, I still belong to God and that He has not forgotten me.

I love the way you love me, Lord.