Lie to Me

Today was awful.

It amazes me that after one surreal moment at work, I was in a funk for the rest of the day. I was ultra-sensitive, but I wouldn't be able to explain why without breaking down crying.

I'm pretty sure I'll cry while writing this blog.

They say that crying is good for you.

Today was awful.

My dad and I don't have a relationship. He walked away from my family a long time ago. He abandoned us because he said he was sick. I'll never really know the reason why, or if his sickness was real, but he left us just the same. He lied to us and I don't think I will ever know the truth of why he did the things he had done to me or my family. And I didn't think much of him until he was taken to the hospital in November for congestive heart failure.

What my dad had done torments me more than I let on. And I feel awful because I have made my peace with him but I am very much afraid of the pain he still evokes in me. He doesn't even have to be here. He doesn't have to speak.

Sometimes it's just the name that he and I share that makes me wish I could be somebody else.

My day started horribly but how my work day ended was even worse. I felt bad that I let something so trivial get to me, and I felt even worse that I couldn't hold it together enough to just walk away. Already vulnerable over my marathon day, I let my hurt show. I ran away before I started crying the tears I held back all day. But the damage was done. The person who hurt me knew what he had done, and he felt bad. He knew I was having a bad day. He knew that he shouldn't have said it. He knew the moment he did he was in the wrong. But he did it any way.

And for that, he felt bad.

I felt sorry for him. He didn't mean it. He didn't want to hurt me. But he did. And I couldn't stay in the same room with him. I knew I should have stayed, but if I had, I would have been late for my chiropractor appointment. So I left.

On my way to the chiropractor, he had asked my co-worker to call me so that he could apologize. I heard his apology and I felt bad for how awful he had felt over hurting me. He apologized as best he could, unable to hide his shame and disappointment in himself.

It was then I realized that he needed forgiveness more than I needed to feel ok.

And so I lied. I told him we were all right, even though I didn't know if we will be the same. I forgave him, but not when I told him I had. It came hours later while I was talking to my best friend. I also realized that my co-worker's comments still hurt me. Even though I hold no grudges against him, I still had to deal with the pain.

So I guess that is what was bothering me. I didn't lie to my dad when I forgave him, but I didn't start truly praying for him until after he left the hospital weeks later. Although I offered my dad grace and I hold nothing against him, I still have to deal with the pain of what he had left behind.

Today was awful. But I still have tomorrow.