Lost

Sorry, Kristin, this doesn't have anything to do with my recent obsession with the show you had converted me to. I'm sure I'll write a blog about soon. And yes, I will blame you!

I'll admit that I don't apply myself.

This usually doesn't bother me, but as of late, I have had many encounters with people who have been discovering things about me and reacted with surprise. "Abby, I didn't know you were so [insert compliment here]."

Yes, my friends, Abby hides. She's shy. If you make any sudden moves, she'll run away.

It didn't use to bother me. I was fine with how my life had been unfolding, and I have little to no regrets. I had never wanted to go to graduate school and pursue a professional life. I just wanted a life.

But they don't have classes on how to have a life, or how to get one.

Fine. I'll stop being less vague. I have been offered many opportunities lately, and I haven't taken any of them. Many have asked me why, and all I can offer is, "I don't want to do it."

This, of course, prompts the questions, "What is it that you want to do?"

I don't have a script for that. I lost it along the way, and I am desperate to find out what I am supposed to do next.

Heartache

I don't know what is happening, but this week seems to be very rough on many of my friends.

It's like one right after the other--someone I know is experiencing some sort of heartache. It ranges from awful to horribly catastrophic.

I wish I could make things better for everyone.

I guess all I'm really saying is that my heart aches for everyone. I'm praying for you. We've got to believe that it is going to get better. And if it doesn't get better today, we'll try again tomorrow.

Thank God it's Friday.

Spinning Words and the Little Things That Count

Today was infinitely better than yesterday.

Whatever had been torn apart, God graciously put back together.

My co-worker apologized again this morning. This time, it was accompanied with a cup of coffee. My co-worker isn't known for remembering the details. I stared at the coffee he had bought for me, and I started to cry again, moved by the thought behind the action. His apologies were sincere, and I heard his words. But sometimes, a small act of thoughtful kindness means more to me than what words could ever express.

A large part of my job involves communication. You have to put words together in a certain way to convey your intent in a consise manner without risking offending anyone. I spend so much of my time spinning words they no longer mean anything to me.

Don't get me wrong. If you're honest with me, you can talk all you want. No games...just tell me what it is that you want to say. If you're honest, I'll believe you. But if you're looking to get past my intellectual filter permanently set on overdrive, you don't have to say anything at all.

Yes, I love words. But isn't always what someone says that sticks with me. The moments that I commit to heart are usually without words. It's a smile that will never grow old for me. Time spent together for the sake of spending time together. A hug that lasts for an eternity.

Sure, it's the little things that count. And it's the little things that I love the most.

Lie to Me

Today was awful.

It amazes me that after one surreal moment at work, I was in a funk for the rest of the day. I was ultra-sensitive, but I wouldn't be able to explain why without breaking down crying.

I'm pretty sure I'll cry while writing this blog.

They say that crying is good for you.

Today was awful.

My dad and I don't have a relationship. He walked away from my family a long time ago. He abandoned us because he said he was sick. I'll never really know the reason why, or if his sickness was real, but he left us just the same. He lied to us and I don't think I will ever know the truth of why he did the things he had done to me or my family. And I didn't think much of him until he was taken to the hospital in November for congestive heart failure.

What my dad had done torments me more than I let on. And I feel awful because I have made my peace with him but I am very much afraid of the pain he still evokes in me. He doesn't even have to be here. He doesn't have to speak.

Sometimes it's just the name that he and I share that makes me wish I could be somebody else.

My day started horribly but how my work day ended was even worse. I felt bad that I let something so trivial get to me, and I felt even worse that I couldn't hold it together enough to just walk away. Already vulnerable over my marathon day, I let my hurt show. I ran away before I started crying the tears I held back all day. But the damage was done. The person who hurt me knew what he had done, and he felt bad. He knew I was having a bad day. He knew that he shouldn't have said it. He knew the moment he did he was in the wrong. But he did it any way.

And for that, he felt bad.

I felt sorry for him. He didn't mean it. He didn't want to hurt me. But he did. And I couldn't stay in the same room with him. I knew I should have stayed, but if I had, I would have been late for my chiropractor appointment. So I left.

On my way to the chiropractor, he had asked my co-worker to call me so that he could apologize. I heard his apology and I felt bad for how awful he had felt over hurting me. He apologized as best he could, unable to hide his shame and disappointment in himself.

It was then I realized that he needed forgiveness more than I needed to feel ok.

And so I lied. I told him we were all right, even though I didn't know if we will be the same. I forgave him, but not when I told him I had. It came hours later while I was talking to my best friend. I also realized that my co-worker's comments still hurt me. Even though I hold no grudges against him, I still had to deal with the pain.

So I guess that is what was bothering me. I didn't lie to my dad when I forgave him, but I didn't start truly praying for him until after he left the hospital weeks later. Although I offered my dad grace and I hold nothing against him, I still have to deal with the pain of what he had left behind.

Today was awful. But I still have tomorrow.

Risking Foolishness

I don't like taking risks and I don't like appearing foolish.

I am sure that no one does, but as of late, I have developed a healthy respect for those who risk foolishness anyway. They do what they love, they act without reservation, and they don't let what others think of them affect who they are or what they do or what they say.

I am quite reserved but I know I am so much more than what I allow others to see.

If any of you risk foolishness on a daily basis, you are my hero. I wish I could become more like you.

To Share a Life

This weekend was good.

My world didn't change, but it's better now.

It probably isn't a secret that I can't sleep very well. Although the option of a sleep clinic isn't completely out of the question, I do know the reasons why I can't sleep. But in true Abby fashion, I avoided things and set up camp in Denial.

Since leaving my castle in Denial, I realize that I can't exactly go back to that way of stale living. I have to deal with things if I hope for anything to change. What is more, there are people in this world outside of Denial. And learning to live with other people is a long process.

But we all have to start somewhere.

So, I shared my frustrations--mainly my disappointment with how my life is turning out, my disappointment with God, my disappointment with myself. I shared this with friends that I trust--those I have just met and one that has walked with me through my journey for a long time.

This is what I discovered about sharing life with others. It's more than sharing sorrows and struggles--you get to share joys and hopes. You can laugh as much as you can cry. And it is in doing both that makes feeling something a good experience instead of one we try to avoid.

So I cried, my hands shaking uncontrollably as I revealed what truly bothered me. And then I laughed until tears joyfully fell from my eyes.

Nothing was solved. The problems didn't go away. And I am still anxious about the unknown. I still hope for things that I am not sure I will ever be able to receive. But I would choose to share my life instead of merely existing in a lonely one.

And I hope that in doing so, I can finally get some sleep.

Shy

Random question on repeat in my mind: Why is it that in a group of people I am completely shy, but put me in a room with one person I am completely engaged?

I never realized how shy I truly am.

I am even more amazed how people don't think I am shy.

And I don't know when I equated being shy as being a bad thing.

My college degree is in observing groups of people and I still wonder why it is so hard for me to function in one.

Exhuasted

I finally got some sleep last night.

It is a wonder to me how I could have 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep and wake up groggy and dead to the world. Around 10 PM last night, I lay awake in bed, wishing that I could fall alseep. My mind and body had been so exhausted that at one point (obviously I don't remember when) it just gave up and rested.

Nothing like sleep born from complete exhaustion.

Yesterday was bad, I will admit. By the time work was over, my mind was already threatening to split in half. So when I finally went home, I was pretty certain had gone crazy.

I don't remember falling asleep. However, when my alarm went off this morning, the first thought in my mind (still in once piece) was, "What is going on right now?"

This question, unanswered, was quickly followed by, "What day is it?" and "What am I supposed to be doing now?"

I think it's sad that my body has not only become so unaccustomed to sleeping, but has no idea what to do when it finally awakes.

17 People

So...I was informed today by a handful of people that I am somewhat of a mystery. I am very good at being very vague. I am very secretive.

I don't know if that is a good thing.

It used to be a running joke that I do share things about myself to a group of 17 people. However, out of those 17 people, no single person really knows everything about me. And if you get those 17 people together you would only catch a glimpse of who I really am.

Honestly, I did not intend for that to happen, it just did. I suppose that is a result of when you share ideas and concepts instead of details.

Again, I don't know if that is a good thing.

I was also informed today that more than two people read this blog. I actually want people to read this blog (comments are welcome!) but I was only aware of the two people who read this on a semi-regular basis. Apparently, I was wrong--there are more of you! This comes a welcome surprise.

So, I guess a little backstory may be necessary for those who have read my blogs and were confused by my vague, conceptual process stories.

To compensate, this is my offering.

1. Work: I currently work as a Donor Contact Representative at World Vision's call center (also referred to as DCS). February will mark my 2nd year at World Vision. For the past four months I have filled in a temporary position in Research for DCS while my co-worker was on maternity leave. She comes back on February 3rd and I go back to the phones in two weeks. Brokenhearted doesn't even begin to explain how I feel about this.

2. The Coffee Shop: I like coffee. Fine...I won't lie. I'm addicted. There is a coffee shop that I frequent and hereby referred to as "The Coffee Shop." No, it is not Starbucks. No, I'm not telling you where.

3. Church: I love my church family. We meet a movie theater in Tacoma. In my ten (!) years of being in Tacoma, this is where I find my heart, my friends, my family. They keep me grounded and they keep me here in a town where I vowed I would never live. I currently play piano for our worship team. It has been a difficult to learn how to play keyboard after being a classically trained pianist for twenty plus years. I'm learning, but there are moments of frustration when I feel like I'm holding back. I yearn to play piano, but the keyboard will have to suffice at the moment.

4. Family: Most of my family lives in the Renton/Kent area--which incidentally is where I grew up. It hasn't always been easy, but I love them with so much of my heart. I feel very beholden to them, which divides a lot of my loyalties.

5. Political Fascination: I have a degree in Sociology in Crime and Deviance. I was going to go to law school or graduate school for policy. However, God's plan was a little different than I had expected. Every once in awhile, my studies on policy come out in my random political tirades.

6. Random: I read a lot. I love music. I watch a lot of movies. And every once in awhile, a quote from one of those genres will get stuck in my head. My blogs are often borne from those quotes in my feeble attempt to get it out of my head.

7. Why I write this blog: I want to be a writer when I grow up. Since I don't have the discipline to actually write anything of worth, I decided this blog will have to do for now.

So, if you do read this blog and if you have any questions regarding any of these 7 things, I will be happy to answer. And I promise to be as honest and direct as I can. I also reserve the right to veto any questions. (Hee!) And maybe I'll add you to the list of 17 people who get to know about me.

Shameless Incentive: I'll buy a cup of coffee (or hot chocolate) to the first person who tells me where I got the phrase "17 people."

Special Thanks to Bryan who inspired this blog. See, I'm not mysterious at all.

For the Want of a King

I apologize for the amount of "processing" blogs I have posted lately. I will return to the regularly scheduled programming...probably in two weeks...when I go back to the phones.

Sigh. The bitterness will go away soon, I'm sure of it.

All right, back to the inner workings of my brain.

O Lord, the king rejoices in your strength. How great is his joy in the victories you give! You have granted him the desire of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips.
--David, Psalm 21:1-2

When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures.
--James, James 4:3

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
--the Beloved, Song of Songs 2:7

It is no secret what big hope I have in my heart. It is a huge desire that I hope that God will grant some day. Of course we want to be in that place where God will pour out his blessings upon us--where we become like the king in the first verse where everything we ask for is granted. We spend our lives trying to ensure blessings come with the least amount of effort or pain. And in our efforts to remain perfect and without pain, we forget that we are not our own masters of our universe. All of the strength, beauty, power, wisdom and independence that could make us great is humbly contained under the authority of our loving Lord God.

At the times we feel like when we don't receive the blessings we had hoped for, the phrase, "God has something better planned," comes up often. There is nothing wrong with that phrase, there is truth in that.

The harsh reality of it is, sometimes we are not ready for the things we want.

Israel begged for a king. God was already their King, but he knew what they truly desired. God, in his infinite wisdom, gave them Saul. Israel was not ready for Saul. Saul was not ready for Israel.

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

I don't think we'll ever know if we're ready for what our hearts hope for. But I suppose that isn't the point. God is everything we could ever ask for and he already is everything our hearts desire.

Even if we can't see it.

But what I will choose to remember is that God is always at work for the good of those who love him. In Israel's story, God also gave them David. And David was the picture of what was to come, the picture of the King they truly needed.

Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

I used to hate that verse. But looking at it now, I know it's not a threat. It's not an admonishment for wanting a King when we already have one. It's not even a discpline to make sure we are perfect and without pain.

It is a promise of something more than we can ask or imagine.

The question is, am I ready?

Two Weeks Notice

In two weeks, I will be back on the phones.

Words cannot describe the utter disappointment and dread I feel about that fact.

As the old adage goes, God has to have something better planned for me. He can do immeasureably more than all I ask or imagine, right?

So why do I feel like these past three months were a tease?

Even as I say these things, I know that isn't true. Many wonderful things have happened in these three short months. To list them all would take...a longer blog.

I have two weeks left to enjoy this life without answering phones, without feeling like a workhorse, without feeling ignored. I don't want it to end, but what I came away with from this flirtation with phone freedom certainly outweighs any disappointment I am currently experiencing.

I guess I was just hoping to keep it a little while longer.

Paying Attention to Excuses

I've been thinking a lot about...well, a lot.

As this isn't entirely abnormal for me, I'll offer this small portion of what goes through my head at any given time.

In a previous post about my resolution to not live life afraid, I had come to wonder how it is I became such a person. I am naturally shy and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But there are many moments where I cross the line from being shy to just being afraid. How did I ever become this person who was afraid of people? Of living? Of risking? Of hoping?

On my way to work today (because you should always be distracted by thoughts during your morning commute...) a flood of excuses filled my brain. My palms started to sweat, my chest started to cave in, and my body started to numb. (Again, I'll try not to do this while on my morning commute.)

Anxiety is not my friend, but it has been trying to be a constant companion this week.

Just like at the end of the movies where the villian talks too much, Satan kept whispering the list of excuses. And just like at the end of the movies, while the villian is jabbering away over his victory while the hero wallows in his inevitable defeat, I kept listening.

Of course, while the villian talks, the hero somehow gets enough time to get over his defeat, plan his escape and with all the strength he has left, conduct a glorious attack.

Villians shouldn't talk.

However, in my case, it turned out well for me. The villian in my story went an excuse too far. It was an old and crusty excuse that has no power or authority left in my life. I was a little surprised to hear it, having not thought about it in quite some time.

If I weren't "paying attention" to my morning drive, I would have tilted my head back in laughter.

There is freedom found beyond those excuses that are now dead to me. And glory to God who reminded me that I am no longer bound to those secrets and lies.

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.
--John, 1 John 4:4

Beyond Measure

I'm excited. This week, my small group is going through Ephesians 3, which just happens to house one of my favorite verses.

...And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasureably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.
--Paul, Ephesians 3:17-21

There are so many things I love about this passage. But the phrases that stick out to me are "you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God" and "[he] who is able to do immeasureably more than all we ask or imagine..."

I love it. Beauty.

For the past week, I have been anxiously anticipating the outcome of this odd journey into the unknown. Although "anxious" isn't quite the word to describe what my mind has gone though, I will say that I haven't been through this kind of anxiety in a long while. I seemed to have everything figured out in times past, but in this round, I know nothing. I can do nothing.

Not that I ever had control anyway.

However, going through these anxious thoughts has spurred me to draw closer to God. I seek his presence, his peace, his joy and his comfort. The circumstances are pretty much the same. I still don't know what is going on, and I'm pretty sure I will remain uncertain for a period of time. Surprisingly enough, I am filled with so much joy and peace and love and hope and...and...and...

...let's just say the list is endless.

I have a lot of hope in my heart. And my mind cannot fathom what God has in store for me. But this Bible passage holds a promise that the God who loves me has something more than what I can imagine and is far beyond measure.

I am in the middle of the unknown, but I eagerly anticipate what will unfold in God's perfect timing and plan.

It's gonna be great.

Better

Well, I didn't get any work done on the project I had mentioned in my last blog.

Which, surprisingly enough, didn't add to the stress I had been feeling for most of my day yesterday.

In the time I spent not working on my project, I walked with God, talked with friends, went to my friend's son's first birthday party and drank coffee. I also attended a choir concert (which I enjoyed thoroughly, by the way. Sigh. I miss being in a choir) and celebrated my cousin's wedding engagement. My mind suddenly wasn't plagued by anxious thoughts of the unknown. I enjoyed the people God had placed in my life, and was pleasantly surprised by how wonderful they all are and how rich my life is because of them.

Life doesn't always work out the way we hoped.

Sometimes it's better.

My Inability to Calm Down in the Face of the Unknown

Sigh. Another long blog title. I guess I've given up being witty...there's just too much going on in my brain. And so here comes another peek at how I process things in hopes that I would give up and just surrender.

I apologize in advance for the two (quite possibly five now) who read this.

Right now, I am supposed to be working on a presentation for work, but instead, I've spent the past hour dinking around on Facebook and writing this blog. I hope after this I will be able to focus and get back to work.

On peut toujours esperer.

My mind, of course, is in a whirl. I approach these next few weeks with some apprehension.

Fine. I won't lie. I am terribly anxious.

I try not to be, but it is what it is. I am uncertain of my footing. I don't know what to do next and its driving me crazy. Things are going to change in the next few weeks and I fluctuate between mind-numbing fear and complete denial.

And so I sit here, far too nervous to work on the project that could change everything. I realize I have too much riding on this project and I need to stop placing so much pressure on myself.

I wish I could get to the place where I trust God and rest in his peaceful presence.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to the Lord. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
--Paul, Philippians 4:6-7

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.
--Paul, 2nd Timothy 1:7

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
--John, 1 John 4:18

All right. I'm breathing now.

In this frantic journey I suddenly find myself in, I have come to realize how much I fear the unknown. But I resolve to meditate on the things I do know; the truths about God--the Truth that is God, so that I may find the peace I seek...

...and finally calm down.

On peut toujours esperer.

There is always hope.

Drowning, Sleeplessness and Things that End

Recently, I posted on my Facebook status that I love the rain.

I still do, but I don't necessarily like to swim to work. This past rain storm was ridiculous. For the record, I still love the rain...I hate floods.

Oh Gene Kelly, why must you make singing in the rain seem like so much fun?

The other gnat in my ear is that I haven't been able to sleep the past couple of nights. This, of course, is not surprising to many people. But now, it has taken a different dimension. My downstairs neighbor has taken to leaving his bathroom fan on. I don't know if it is on purpose or if he is that forgetful, or if he is housing some sort of drug ring (I blame this on the lack of sleep). My bathroom is above his, and the sound is loudest there. But my bedroom shares a wall with the bathroom, and the white noise from the fan has transfromed my bedroom into an airplane hangar.

I didn't mind the first time my neighbor had done this a few weeks ago. But it has been three nights this week. And since my insomnia has returned, this little annoyance is really getting to me.

I'm hoping that I won't be too cranky today.

I calmed down a bit this morning when I "woke" up, and left him a lovely note. I pray he reads it and complies without too much trouble.

As for the last part of the title on my blog (hmmm...January's blog titles are turning to be quite long. December was obviously my minimalist title phase), my temporary position at work is ending in three weeks. I won't share all that is going through my mind, but needless to say, I am not a fan of change. I don't like things to end, but I suppose I can't change that.

Everything changes in the end.

Under the Influence

There are times when I forget that I affect other people.

I don't characterize myself as a person of influence, but that doesn't always stop how I influence people. The flip side is also true, people influence me in many ways, whether they (or I) realize it or not.

I had a very odd experience a few days ago and I thought nothing of it until the insomnia hit. I lay awake in bed, and again marveled at my obliviousness. Now that I am aware of it, I have no idea how to interact with these people.

The people we surround ourselves with have great influence over us. They can spur us to do great things and the not-so-great things. And we can do the same for others.

I just hope that I don't take people for granted and don't become blind to those who influence me the most--for good or for ill.

And I pray that I may always be of someone of encouragement.

Be blessing, everyone. It may matter more than you realize.

Waiting

I don't like waiting.

I know I'm not alone in this. If I took a poll, I'm sure no one would say that they would prefer waiting over not waiting.

And I'm sure that we've had sermons from Jon about waiting well. Apparently, it hasn't really stuck with me. I hope that as I meditate on His Word, I can finally learn the lesson on waiting and make Jon proud.

Forgive me, I am a slow learner.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters.
--David, Psalm 23:2

Wait for the LORD. Be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD
--David, Psalm 27:14

In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
--David, Psalm 5:3

I hate waiting. I always feel like it is for an eternity, for the lack of a better cliche. Since God's timing is perfect, waiting shouldn't feel the way that it does: full of anxiety, worry and frustration. We make waiting difficult. We make it appear longer than it really should.

How does one take the anxiety out of waiting? How do we remain still and know that God's timing is perfect, God's plan is good, God's faithfulness is true? How do we get to that place where worry has no place and we can finally rest? How can we expect God's move without getting in the way?

Sure, I don't wait well. But it doesn't mean that I can't learn how to wait. I have a large hope in my heart, and I know it will come to pass if I just take a deep breath (or four or five or three hundred) and rest in God's peaceful presence. Anxiety, worry and frustration cannot exist where perfect peace, joy and love dwell.

So...here I am. Just waiting.

Its More Than Just a Hole in My Neck

For the second time in a year, I have a spider bite on my neck.

That, or a vampire keeps visiting me.

Either way, its quite annoying.

And for those who don't know about the hole in my neck, I suppose that would be another blog!

The Foreign Concept of Being Present

Is it bad luck to talk about 2008 on the first day of 2009?

Apparently, I have been part of a lot of conversations concerning luck. I don't think I have bad luck, but I don't have fantastic luck either. Oh well. Enough of that sidenote.

My 2008 ended pretty much the way that it began--very surreal moments. Everything is pretty much fine now--thank God!--but I found myself in deep thought over the randomness that is my family dynamic.

I was able to connect with my grandmother (although it was only for a brief moment) and I was able to communicate with my grandfather in a slightly authoritative way that is otherwise unheard of in my family. What Grandpa says is law. But not this New Year's Eve.

I won't shout this minor accomplishment on the rooftops because to get my grandpa to listen, I had to admit this humble gem:

Me: Look. I'm as stubborn as you are.
Grandpa: You're right. You might be worse.
Me: That's probably true. Which means, in this conversation, I'm going to win.

Although I was glad to help my grandparents communicate and finally relate, I found myself diving into the family role that I had long avoided since I left for college. It was different this time. Maybe it was because I wasn't doing the hard work, God was. If only I could remember this in the future, maybe the role of Mediator/Peacekeeper won't be so bad this time around.

My grandparents have a hard time expressing affection for one another to each other. (Sorry for the weird sentence syntax on that one. You might have to read that twice). As I interpreted for them, I witnessed something very sweet:

My grandparents cannot bear the thought of being apart.

I suppose that is why people say that you "just know" when it comes to finding "the One." I am still on the fence the idea of "the One," but I when I observe the marriages of those around me, I realize a common thread:

You're better when you are together.

As I stared at this beautiful--although at times emotionally constipated--couple, I wondered if someone would want to be in my company for the sake of...being in my company. I am so used to people needing, wanting, asking, demanding things from me to do, to be, to fix, to keep together, to create, to handle. It is a foreign concept for me to think about being in a relationship where the mere presence of the person you love is what you desire most.

You just feel better when you're together.

However foreign the concept of presence is to me, it is that very deep connection that I have hope for in my heart.