Dance of Joy

It's been a long December, and a frustratingly torturous two months. But after a long winter season of foolishness, I came to this realization...

...dance anyway.

Welcome back, Dance of Joy.

After much prayer from my friends, a convicting and uplifting lecture at BSF yesterday (Monday) night, and a few conversations sharing a common theme, I was finally brought to the point where I just yearned to hear from God.

Holy Spirit, won't you help me understand? Holy Spirit, won't you say a prayer for me with your groanings?

--Jennifer Knapp, "Trinity"

I was reading 1 John 2:9-11 and realized that there was so much bitterness and hatred in my heart. I had become so blinded by my foolishness that it was clear why I had no direction. I could see nothing but my bitterness. Once I let it go, the answer seemed so simple. So easy.

And I haven't stopped smiling since.

Thank You, Lord Jesus, for bringing me this far. Thank you that you are always at work--especially when I cannot see the answers to my prayers. I am encouraged by your love. May you strengthen my faith for your glory.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

--Paul, Galatians 6:9 (NIV)

Dance of joy, may you never end.

Rebuilding on a Fountain of Tears

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

--Paul, Galatians 6:2

I think it's getting to the point where I can be myself again.

--Steven Page & Stephen Duffy, "Call and Answer"

Hmmm...my blog titles are getting longer and longer. I will try to remedy that next time.

I don't like crying in front of other people. And since I can't hide in public, it's a nightmare when I can't stop crying and I still have to play piano in front of a group of people that I see every Sunday morning.

Thankfully, most of the time, no one notices.

But today, I was an emotional wreck. I got up on stage and did the best I could to play the song while trying to wipe away my tears without attracting attention. However, after the song had ended, I couldn't stop crying.

Apparently, even after all my mental processing the past several weeks, I still needed to cry. Crying, I suppose, has its merits. My mind can ferret out what ails me. My mind can work out the solution to the problem. But sometimes, my heart can't catch up with my mind, and crying seems to be the only thing that helps.

I don't like crying in front of people. But I know how blessed I am to have people around me who don't mind. I am thankful for my friends who sit with me when I can't stop crying and take the time to sit with me and listen to me. And I am even more grateful for the grace they extend when all I have to offer are my tears.

Failure doesn't always mean defeat. Crying doesn't always mean I've failed.

Now that the crying has ceased, the hard work begins. I am grateful for those who walk by me to help me back up onto my feet and encourage me to try again.

Now it's time to prove that you've come back here to rebuild.

--Steven Page and Stephen Duffy, "Call and Answer"

Ebenezers In Midst of Disappointing Discouragement

Don't tell me what I can't do.

--Ben Linus** to John Locke, LOST "The Brig"

Ebenezer: a memorial, usually established to remember what God has done for a person or a group of people.

I've been thinking about the past year.

It always amazes me that only a year has gone by. I can't even recount all that has happened in a year; at times, it feel likes like that it seemed that a lifetime had passed between memories.

This time last year, I was anxious about many certain changes in the horizon. This time last year, my heart would be changed and music would reenter my life. This time last year, I had many hopes--some of which had come into fruition and others that have yet to be fulfilled.

However, in the past several weeks, I had been disappointed and discouraged. What I had hoped for seemed to be out of reach and slipping away, and I didn't know if trying mattered any longer. I refused to quit, but I wasn't engaging in the battle to continue, either.

I suppose the biggest reason why looking back means so much to me is that I was near ready to give up on certain things that I have wanted for so long. And somehow, it is in remembering how far I've come that helps me put my life in a more encouraging perspective.

Lord God, you are always at work and you have brought me this far. I pray you will forgive me for the times when I despair in my disappointment. I wait in eager expectation to see where You will take me next. When faced with doubt, may I have faith. When I am faced with despair, may I always choose hope.

Especially when people tell me that I can't.

**Ok. I know that I should give Locke the credit for the quote above, especially since this repeated phrase is mostly attributed to him. But I'm on Team Ben--would you expect anything different from me?

The Joy of Navy Issue Pea Coats and Feeling Young

It's not a secret that I absolutely adore my grandfather.

Sometime in November, my grandfather made a comment about my pea coat. I've had my coat for years, but apparently it was new to him.

Suddenly, his eyes glazed over as his mind ran through his memories of a time gone by. He reminisced about his time in the Navy, and mentioned that he had a pea coat similar to mine when he was a cadet. He noted the buttons of my coat, and with a stern face and a flicker of a smile, he said disapprovingly, "Abby, this isn't Navy issue. The buttons are wrong."

Apparently, Navy issue pea coat buttons have anchors on them.

At my cousin's New Year's Eve party, he came in with a smile on his face. I told him that I admired his new shirt. He took me by the hand and said, "I also got a new coat."

And with childlike glee, he proudly showed me his new Navy issue pea coat, perfect down to the button.

I love it when he's happy.

I celebrated with him and his new found joy. I even asked him to model his new coat. He laughed at my request, saying that I don't need a picture commemorating a coat that makes him feel like a cadet. I told him that may be true, but I do want a picture commemorating him feeling young again. Finally, he relented to a picture. And, of course, I took advantage of the rare opportunity when my grandfather would pose for a picture, and took two:

I think my grandfather would still make a very handsome cadet.

Pleasant Surprises and Great Expectations

Yes, everyone does a record of the past year and shares their hopes for the new year. This is my shameless attempt to do the same. :D

And for some reason, it is very link happy. I apologize in advance.

If I could describe my 2009, it would be that God never ceases to pleasantly surprise me.

I hope that continues in 2010.

For the most part, I had made my 2009 about a few things. (Yes, Kristin, Lost is one of them). In those things, I came across a few challenges, but for the most part, a lot of celebration and joy over how God has poured his blessings--even in midst of difficult trials. After coming out of 2008, I was unsure, and mostly anxious, over how 2009 would unfold. I am happy to report that this past year was better than I could have expected or planned.

I love the way you love me, Lord.

Like everyone else, when I look back over 2009, I am amazed at the number of things that have happened the past year. I won't share them all, but since this is a 2009 countdown, I will name a few of the notably pleasant surprises...

1. I rediscovered my love for music and my deeply rooted desire to make it a large part of my life. It started with my friend's choir concert last January, which paved the way for me to start leading worship for the 11am service for my church. I also found the beauty of other people enjoying their own love of music. To round out this return to music year, I also attended my high school choir reunion.

2. For the better part of the year, my faith and my choices on how I practice my faith has gone through some tough trials. I wrestled with my former Catholic faith, read a lot of Rob Bell, and listened to some sermons by Pastors Jon and Rob, and Mark Driscoll. But in the end, I came to realize how grateful I am for the choices I had made because in the end, it brought me closer to the God who loves me. I hope that what I had learned about grace would carry me through next year and for the rest of my life.

3. I am really grateful for my job and the organization for which I work. They provide me with so many opportunities to serve and projects that challenge me. But truly, it is the people that I work with that make all the difference. I absolutely enjoy them. You know who you are. And if you don't, I'll do better to show my deep gratitude.

4. Lost nights. Yes, I enjoy the show, but I truly love the company more. This show also helped me reconnect with my friend Kristin. And I wouldn't trade that for the world. It may be reason enough for me to appreciate Team Locke. Or not.

5. I finally went to Washington DC. I haven't had a chance to detail how it has inspired me, but I still carry the beauty of that city in my heart.

6. I was finally given permission to live the life I had always wanted. Now I'm just waiting for God to show me how that life will unfold.

7. My friends are the best.

True, I still hope for those things I had enjoyed this past year to continue and blossom in 2010. I look forward to the triumphs--and challenges (!)--I will face in music and the joys of relationships with those I love. I anticipate learning how to actually enjoy the life I'm trying to live instead of being afraid of it. I will be thankful for what I have instead of constantly wishing things were different. And I hope my days would not be characterized by my typical dark and broody but by my dance of joy.

Now, I am not foolish enough to believe that I will not experience pain next year. In fact, I expect it. But I also expect that in whatever I go through, my God is with me.

It's more than just a Christmas tradition: Emmanuel, God is with us.

Lord God, I believe you are good and sovereign over every detail of my life. And if I know anything, I know that I can wait in expectation of being pleasantly surprised by your great love.

I love the way you love me, Lord.

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.

--David, Psalm 37:4 (ESV)

Praise the LORD...who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

--David, Psalm 103:1...5 (NIV)

Speak--and say the words no one else will ever say. Love--love like the world is over in a day. I'm gonna show you love like you never had before.

--Jars of Clay, "Show You Love"

oh...and Go Team Ben. I'm rooting for you in 2010. Sorry, Kristin, that Lost reference was for me.

Crushed

A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

--Writer of Proverbs, Proverbs 17:22 (ESV)

I don't exactly remember when, but for at least several weeks now, I had run into a serious bout of depression.

I didn't realize it at first, but yesterday, when I was composing an entry for this blog (an entry, that obviously, I did not post) I came upon this surprising revelation. The list I had complied wasn't so much an inventory of warning signs; it was a blaring signal: Abby, you're depressed.

Yeesh.

I've had moments of being dark and broody, but this was different. I took no interest in anything about which I was passionate. It was coming to the point where it was debilitating. I slept for hours. I had little to no appetite. I was focused on busyness and work. I isolated myself and became disengaged from people.

Maybe now that I have had some time to think--or took the time to think--I was able to find out what had been bothering me. It wasn't easy, but to use a math analogy (!) I had to work the problem. Every problem has a solution; I just had to do the work.

Sidebar: I was a horrible math student, by the way. I wanted the answers to just appear. Logically, I could figure out what the answer should be, but I didn't do the work to actually produce the solution. And when it came to complex problems, I really did not--for the lack of a better term--do the math. There were many math tests that came back with the words, I know you know the answer. But you have to show the work. Sigh.

My heart was crushed. I told everyone I was fine, but really, I was heartbroken at the rush of critiques that came my way. I can live this life that I want to live, I can become this person I believe God wants me to be. My heart is a lot more resilient than I give it credit for.

Failure doesn't always mean defeat.

But first, I have to get out of this dreary cave I'm in and try again.

And that life that is laid out before us is filled with the glorious and the challenging.

--Hal Sparks, Thoughts on Summer

I think I can. I think I can.

--Watty Piper's The Little Engine That Could

Resolve

Dear Heart,

It's all right for you to feel every once in awhile. I promise.

I'll try not to hide in my work, cloak you in busyness, or needlessly avoid what ails you until you burst at the seams just to get my attention. I'll try not to let worry plague you. I wanted to have a life, and we should be able to live it.

I resolve to take better care of you. I resolve to not ignore you when you are broken, disappointed, or wounded. I resolve to feed you with joy, care, and thanksgiving.

There is a heart in this hollow tin chest. And you belong to me. Precious God, may you guard this heart with the presence of your peace.

Love,

Me

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

--Paul, Philippians 4:6-7 (ESV)

And reaching out my weary hand I pray that you understand You're the only one who's faithful to me. You're the only one who's faithful to me.

--Jennifer Knapp, Faithful To Me