It is what it is

My heart is full of things my brain doesn't understand.

All I want to do is cry, but all I've done is stare at this computer screen for fifteen minutes. No one can make it right. And no can make it different. There are some things in life that weren't meant to make sense, and ironically enough, death is one of those things.

It is what it is.

Please pray for my friend Elizabeth. Her husband, Klinton, passed away today. He was only 23.

They have two young children. We are thankful they were able to say goodbye and spend their last moments together. It is never enough time and it is always too soon. But we are thankful for the time we are given.


Even if we do take it for granted sometimes.

I'll miss you, Klinton. You were always one of my favorite youth kids. But I think you knew that. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.

Today has been brought to you by...the letters "I" and "N"

This isn't going to be a happy blog.

I don't know why it is, but there are just some people in my life who, through no fault of their own, make me feel very inadequate. They don't have to do anything, but whenever I have to spend prolonged periods of time with them, I feel all my insecurities come out. It's annoying, I know, but I just can't help myself. These people tend to remind me of how untalented I am and I just don't belong in their little club.

Let me be a little bit specific. As of late, I've been loving this musician thing I'm finding in myself again. I haven't really played music in a long time and I keep forgetting that there are people in the place I live that don't even know that I play piano and are surprised when they find out that I do.
I've kept my little "talent" a secret for seven years, and now that it's out, I've been loving every moment of rediscovering my heart beat.

Until tonight.

I don't know why it happens, but it happens every single time. I get to this moment when I know that my happiness bubble is going to burst, and the unwitting bubble burster infiltrates my giddy world by putting doubt into my mind. And when I doubt, I pull back. And when I pull back, I get frustrated because I know better. But I just can't get over that feeling that I can't do this and that maybe I really am not cut out for this.

All because I feel inadequate.

Yes, I'm insecure. This is not a call for an intervention on my insecurities with my identity or my hidden pride issues. I know I've got them. You, Dear Reader, have them too, so I don't think I can take any advice on how to get over it--so don't even try. I am convinced that someday I'll feel like myself and it will be ok. But for the moment, I feel like crawling into a hole and crying because I can't seem to make myself remember that what I have to offer is good enough...

...and more than adequate.

But don't you worry. I'll get over it. I always do. These people are just unwitting players who, for some reason, I give more power over me than I intended. I guess they don't understand that they hurt my feelings so many times before and that we're just beyond repair. And every time we're in the same room, all I can remember is the pain and the fact that I don't measure up to their high standard, as the have pointed out so many times before. But the moment will pass quickly and the little blip in my happy bubble will scar over and life will be good again.

I just can't guarantee that I'll have as much fun.

Something...

Try not to get worried, try not to turn onto problems that upset you. Don't you know that everything's all right?

I haven't written in a long while, but my mind is just full of so many things right now, that I can't seem to make sense out of anything. But after holding my breath for a long time, I was truly surprised by a moment tonight that I didn't think would bring me so much comfort.

No mysteries were solved and no plan was set into motion to make everything all right. It was just comfort and being and proof that I mean something to someone. Even if I didn't express it very well very well, that small gesture meant more to me than anything has in a long time.

I wish I could say more than this...but I can't. But what I will say is that there are not a lot of moments that take me by surprise. And I will never take those moments of brief sweet reprieve for granted ever again.

In the end, its the small things that make the biggest difference. I guess that means...something.

Currently listening : Polaroids: A Greatest Hits Collection By Shawn Colvin

Is it January yet?

So...I'm reading Reuters and I follow this random rabbit hole to a quiz that can reduce people's political stances into a neat, labeled, political philosophy. According to the 20 questions (four of which don't factor) the quiz had deduced that I am a...

Moderate Liberal Populist.

Really, now. I am so glad that a 20 question survey (again, four of which don't factor) based on a five point scale, can tell me where I stand on the political spectrum. Now, if I could only find a candidate that is also a moderate liberal populist. Because I really want people like that running this country.

Random Would-be-Voter: Umm...I don't understand this policy.
Political Candidate A: What's not to understand?
Random Would-be-Voter: It doesn't say moderate, liberal or populist on it. How do I know if I should vote for you?
Political Candidate B: You shouldn't. I'm moderate, liberal and populist.
Political Candidate A: Me too. At least, today.

Random Would-Be Voter: Cool! [a slight pause.] What does it mean to be a moderate liberal populist, exactly?

[A long silence. Curtain falls as Political Candidates A and B search for more voters while Random Would-Be-Voter stands in line for Canadian Citizenship. End scene.]

Currently watching : Hairspray (Two-Disc Shake & Shimmy Edition)

I really shouldn't be this offended

The curse of the office email is the perpetual inflow of forwarded emails. I don't typically send forward emails, but I do enjoy the momentary distraction they provide. It's the equivalent of glancing at the headlines of popular magazines while waiting in line at the grocery store. Entertaining, but not really meant to be more than a vehicle to pass the time.

Much like this blog.

However, I ran across this forwarded email about a radio program asking people to write "in God we trust" on the back of our envelopes in an act of rebellion against the US Postal Service. (Really, guys...let's give the post office a break. They've got an odd mix of having too much power and too little at the same time.) Apparently, the USPS had said that the motto was too offensive to be on a stamp. Huh. Odd thing to get your underwear in a bunch.

Although I don't care too much over the form of retaliation, what interested me was this line: We must take back our nation from all the people who think that anything that offends them should be removed.

Now bear in mind that I'm ignoring the obvious hypocrisy that can be read in that statement, considering the possible source of the email. All of you are smart enough to figure that out for yourselves: Everyone is a hypocrite.

What makes me sad about this email is that it was meant to be meaningful and yet the meaning was lost in the trivial act they were asking us to take. Sure, you could "in God we trust" on every snail mail envelope you send and give some postal workers a little laughter to lighten their day, but it doesn't mean anything if people don't understand the fact that we have this freedom to do this. We have the freedom to proclaim whatever it is we believe, regardless if people agree with us or not.

This is why other nations hate us. They can't stand our pluralism. Someone who practices Judaism has the same rights as someone who practices Islam. Women can interact with men. Chinese people can learn Spanish. I can dye my hair any color I want, dance, and listen to jazz. We live in a pluralistic society based on the principle of the freedoms that protect the diversity of this nation. I may not agree with you, but you are free to believe whatever it is you want. Respect me, I respect you.

What we are apparently missing here is the respect. I find that people confuse a statement that offends me with a statement that disrespects me. I am sure the phrase "in God we trust" offends people. In fact, I'm counting on it. But what I don't want is that phrase to be used as a way to disrespect others or have that phrase be used to disrespect my beliefs in the same God that phrase just happens to be referring to.

Yes, in God I trust. And yes, I believe it is a principle of our founding fathers. And yes I believe it is printed on American money. (that, I actually can produce for you.) I agree with the statement that we need to take our nation back from fanatics who believe that anything offensive should be removed. But really, let's not fight over the words that have hardly any meaning. I think we can find something more important to fight over. I could care less if the American "motto" is taken off the money or the pledge of Allegiance, etc. But I do care if the freedoms that make it possible for me to say what I believe are taken away. There are real wrongs out there, people who are removing other people that truly offend them by restricting their rights, their freedoms, their liberties, their pursuit of happiness...and yes, their dignities.

Now over those human offenses, I can let my panties get in a bunch.

I'll get riled up. And I will even consider forwarding your email. But other than that, I will stand by my right to be offended by your message, applaud your freedom to stand up for what you believe in, and ask for your respect to demonstrate the same.

Ok. Rant over. Go back to your daily lives.

Currently watching : Friends - The Complete Fifth Season

Happy Thanksgiving...

No pomp. A little circumstance...mainly because I don't know what "pomp" actually entails. For many, 2007 brought more pain and suffering than joy and dancing. I don't know if this year was exactly a banner year for me, but I'm content with a lot of things.

Here's the short list.

1. My job at World Vision. It is a blessing in so many ways and I thank my God for it.
2. My coffee shop. It has served (ha ha, I HATE puns!) as a sanctuary for me more than once.
3. My family. You keep me insane.
4. My church. I've caused you pain. You've caused me heartache. Which, makes us family. I love you all.
5. A chance to play piano again. I love it more than I thought I had. And its open so many other opportunities that I didn't know were available to me. Its good to feel like me again.
6. My Tuesday breakfast meetings with my friend Natalie. Its saved me more than once.
7. Accomplishing two out of my list of twenty-two things that I had wanted to do. Yeah!!

And of course...my Lord, my God. You make all things wonderful.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Eat turkey, look at your family and friends and just love on them. Sleep. Wake up. Repeat.

...and the evidence of things unseen

Shh...don't tell anyone, but I'm tired of typing one-handed. So...the wrist corset is off during this blog...

What I hope for...

1. Have a family of my own
2. Be published
3. See a true American leader in my lifetime...
4. Not be afraid of being seen
5. Have a voice of my own
6. Find a way to fix the American Education System
7. Be part of a political campaign
8. A better world for my grandchildren
9. Be comfortable in my own skin.
10. And of course...meet Jon Stewart and David Duchovny

Le sigh...I started all noble, but really, did you think that I wouldn't hope to meet those two?

Things I Miss...

Due to my stupid wrist and the "wrist corset" I have confined it to, typing with one hand is turning out to be quite the challenge. As such, this list is quite apropos. Currently, the full range and use of my right hand tops that list. Barring that, I present this list, courtesy of my left hand, typing at about 30 wpms...

Things I miss...
1. Joss Whedon shows on tv. They were some of the best, well-written shows to grace the small screen.
2. Not having every insecure thought be about my body and how I look.
3. Doing plays. Rehearsals were so much fun.
4. Performances (choir and piano)
5. Coming home to a home cooked meal
6. Playing board games with my mom and sister.
7. Not feeling guilty for taking naps.
8. Having the ability to function on less than five hours of sleep.
9. Reading for fun.
10. Watching movies in a theater and not complaining abut the non-matinee ticket price.
11. High school football games...yes, they were fun!
12. Not worrying about the price of gas.
13. My piano (which currently resides at my grandparent's house)
14. Not caring what others thought of me.
15. Baking cookies with my cousin JJ.
16. Dreyer's mint chocolate ice cream...sigh...
17. True summer vacations.
18. Sociology classes. (yes, I miss school.)
19. My toddlerville kids...why must you grow up?
20. Late night talks with my friends.

Sigh...and the world keeps changing. But always for the good...I hope.

Currently watching : Angel - Season Five

O Happy Day...

I know countdowns and top-ten lists usually circulate before New Year's, but Thanksgiving never really gets any attention. So here's my list to start of this week o'giving thanks...
Disclaimer: lists are not in any particular order and are subject to change due to my fickle nature...

Today has been brought to you by...things that make me happy...

1. Gene Kelly...of course, "Singing in the Rain."
2. A cool, crisp fall day.
3. Beethoven
4. Yo-Yo Ma and the cello
5. Playing piano with our awesome worship team at Discovery!
6. Drinking coffee on a rainy day
7. Laughing until my stomach hurts and my eyes are brimming with tears.
8. Jon Stewart and David Duchovny...(you knew they had to be here somewhere.)
9. White roses
10. The sound of rain (sheesh...my 3rd reference to rain...which brings me to...)
11. Weatherman Chris
12. My cousins. They're crazy.
13. The Reduced Shakespeare Company & the Complete Works of Shakespeare...Abridged!
14. People who are as nerdy and awkward as I am!
15. Snowmen.
16. "Bring it On." I know, I know...Bad movie. Stupid Kirsten Dunst. But it never ceases to make me happy.
17. Mmm...cookies.
18. Playing Scrabble with my Starbucks friends.
19. Getting lost in Barnes and Noble in Seattle.
20. Mr. Bingley in the A&E version of Pride and Prejudice. He's so amazingly delightful in his naiveté. It makes me smile.
21. Beatles' "Blackbird."
22. Van Morrison's "Brown-Eyed Girl."
23. Writing the perfect line for a skit or story.
24. Dreyer's Mint Chocolate Ice Cream. Oh how I miss thee.

More lists to come...

Currently watching : Ocean’s Thirteen (Widescreen Edition)

My Midnight Confession...

...when I tell all the world that I love you...

Yes, its another song stuck in my head. Just go with it.

Second of all...no more midnight blogs.

I recently attended the Christian Musicians Summit this weekend. I didn't know what to expect out of it since this was my first year attending the event and I had only "officially" joined the team two weeks ago. And since I had to work on Friday, I had to drive my by lonesome and missed a whole day of fellowship with people I had wanted to get to know. Believe me, a lot can happen in the car on the way there. That's where people start bonding, and I missed out on it.

You guessed it: Grr. Argh.

I have a tendency to withdraw and isolate during these events and I was starting with two strikes against me. And if you count the fact that I was already heartbroken when I had first joined the team, I suppose one could say I was technically out.

Amazingly enough, despite my broken heart (and without a voice most of the morning), I still encountered God. I still encountered love. I still connected with the awesome group of people that make up the worship team of my church.

Oh yeah...I was confessing something. I don't often go to this place, but if you can bear with me, this is my confession. So if you can't take it, wait until my next blog. I promise to be funny. But tread with caution with what follows: here be spoilers.

For a couple of months now, I felt my heart going under an assault. Everything seemed to break my heart. People, places, circumstances. As soon as I found the shattered pieces and tried to glue it back, another piece would break off. I hate trying to fix it all by myself. Can't someone just take it? Can't someone just hug me at the end of the day and tell me that everything is going to be all right? Can't I encounter someone who will just love me?

All I want is someone to take care of my heart.

Tonight...I finally realized that someone already has. And I struggle with it being enough.

Currently listening : Let The Praises Ring By Lincoln Brewster

Shoot, Dang...is that a Christmas Song I hear?

I walked into Starbucks today and was hit with a wall of red.

Because Halloween is over, Corporate Starbucks ushered in the holiday season. Christmas songs will be playing, eggnog lattes will be steaming, and Starbucks Cards will be loading. Not exactly 'Twas the Night Before Christmas...but welcome to the holiday season.

Go Capitalism.

As I was walking through the store, I was overcome with extreme sadness. For the past three holidays I have worked for Starbucks and this year will be my first one free from the clutches of consumerism. But instead of dancing my dance of joy, I was actually gripped with sadness and nostalgia. I am actually going to miss it. I am going to miss this happy time of year and the random craziness that goes with Christmas. I will miss meeting all the interesting people who come into the store looking for a warm drink or a last-minute present for the Christmas party they're already late for. There really is a special feeling that happens at a Starbucks store during the holiday season and yes, I miss it.

But when I ordered a drink, a different assortment of memories flooded back; memories of the holiday season last year and the chaos that insued and the inevitable hatred and loathing for people that followed.

Now that I don't miss.

I walked out of the store, took in the free air and smiled. Sure, I miss this part of working at Starbucks but I wouldn't go back. (Not for that at least.) This year, I actually get to spread the Christmas cheer to the people I love, not serving sugared drinks to strangers that don't care about me. This year, I get to spend time with family and friends and be awake enough to remember it. This year, I get to go to parties and not smell/reek of coffee and steamed milk. This year, I get to actually call the holidays, "Christmas," and not fear the risk of insulting somebody. No green aprons, no extra-hot eggnog lattes/scrambled eggs, no up-selling a coffee machine to someone who just came in for a cup of coffee.

And definitely no more of "I'm the Happiest Christmas Tree" stuck on repeat. (I still get nightmares.)

In the end, my Christmas celebration will not be brought to me by Starbucks. And that my friend, is what I consider a wonderful gift.

Currently watching : The West Wing - The Complete First Season

Happy Birthday

People have often said that I have a good phone voice.

I don't know why, but people say that I have a good, professional voice. I think I sound like a nasal, whiny kid. Apparently, my "phone voice" has been an asset in my past administrative jobs and which makes up most of my current job. And it so happens that odd compliment is the basis of how I make my living.

Last weekend, I got sick. Then come Monday morning, I lost my voice. This isn't exactly the best thing to happen when you work at a call center.

Shoot, dang.

By the time I arrived to work, my voice had returned, but in a scratchy, throaty/breathy tone.

Fine...it was my sexy voice.

Again, not good when you work at a call center. Well, at least the call center that I work for. It doesn't exactly bode well. People at Starbucks used to make fun of that voice, teasing me and goading me to keep that voice for the promise of bigger tips.

Silly Rabbits.

So throughout my work day, I thought about those people and laughed to myself at the odd situation I was in. People were nice to me for the most part. Five hours later, my "regular" voice had come back. Sure, I was embarrassed a couple of times, and I begged my supervisors and quality coaches not to listen to those phone recordings.

Happy Birthday, Mr. President.

Currently watching : Psycho (Collector’s Edition)

Election Day 2007

I won't guarantee that this won't be a little bit about the upcoming presidential election.

Now, I get it. I really do. People don't like election time. People harassing other people about
confusing legislations they are trying to push doesn't exactly warm the heart Apparently, we are bottom line people who need pictures to explain complicated contracts. We're also a people who are looking for real leaders who help us believing in the things that are important to us; the things that make us proud to be American.

And yet...

Every year we get a chance to make our voice heard. We get a chance to let the people we've "chosen" know what we will stand for and what we will not. And every year we blow it. I can't tell anymore if its because we're annoyed from choosing the lesser of who-gives-a-crap year after year or if we just don't think voting works any more. Whether we vote yes or no, we get the feeling we're being screwed.

Odds are, we are being screwed.

Sure, my absentee ballot won't amount to much. But I will vote. I will vote every year I am able to make a clear decision. I don't care if it matters or if it doesn't change anything. Voting is my right. Voting is my right just as it is my right to exercise my freedom to write this blog.

Yes, I get tired of it. I get tired of being the champion of a dying freedom granted by a broken system. I am looking forward to the presidential election just as much as the next person. I get tired of being shouted down and I get tired of not being able to effectively chose a leader that can actually lead this country. I hate the small pickings. I hate that everything is run by money and by power and by people who obscenely abuse both.

So why do I care? Why do I, after all my frustrations, still vote?

Because it reminds me that pieces of paper and a group of men in closed rooms don't change the world. We do. You do. I do. We, flesh and blood, not ink upon white or green paper, have the ability to change the world. Our government may not be able to do it the way we hope it would--which tells me that its a good thing that they shouldn't. They already have proven that they can't. We are the ones who teach our kids. We help the poor. We find ways to create cures, invent and innovate better living, promote peace. Granted, government doesn't make it easy, but so many people before us have done it without their help and many people after us will do the same.
I don't care if people vote or not. I'm not asking for your vote, and it is your right to chose not to. But I hope that people don't stop talking about what is important to them or stop looking for ways to make this world better than when we had entered it.

Currently watching : The West Wing - The Complete Sixth Season

Grr. Argh.

Add a blah, blah, blah to that, too.

I'm having one of those moments when the harsh reality of life slaps me in the face.

Sigh. Breathe.

Don't worry, I'm holding on. But I must confess, it's getting harder. I guess it wouldn't be Abby if her mind wasn't in a whirl!

Grr. Argh.

My Little Secret(s)

Last weekend, my sister got married. Congratulations, Paul and Jenny! Many blessings on your marriage!! I love you guys.


In midst of the craziness that is my family and the usual stresses that accompany a wedding and the week I took to recover over said wedding, I had completely forgotten the news I had wanted to share.

Earlier this month, I played piano for our worship team. I had no idea how much I had missed playing piano and playing with a team. I had so much fun relating with other musicians and creating music together. And I look forward to when I can play piano again with them. I guess its a secret passion of mine to play music--I had kept it so close to my heart for so long that I think that not many people know how much I love playing piano.

But I guess the bigger secret is that I used to sing. I guess a more accurate statement is that I secretly love singing and wish I could be better at it (sigh...as much as I deny it, practice DOES make perfect). I sang only one song on one chorus (which is more than I had planned on risking) and I hoped that it sounded all right. Playing piano comes more naturally to me than singing. Piano is a gift, singing is a risk. And even if I never get asked to sing again, I'm fine with it. I've done it once, and I'm proud. In fact, I think that it was number 6 on my Top 22 List of things I wanted to do.

Yes, I'm happy. I think I even scared one of my co-workers who took a double take and asked me: "Are you happy?"

Yes, I'm happy. Life still isn't perfect, and there are some things that are constantly sending my mind in a whirl. Sadly, just because I'm happy doesn't mean that my mind hasn't stopped processing. Shoot, dang.

Yes, I'm happy. Don't tell anyone. It's our little secret.

Currently watching : Sports Night - The Complete Series Boxed Set

When was the last time you had a massage?

This was the very first question I was asked when I got my massage this morning. It was almost like being Catholic again and the priest asks me when my last confession was. But the lady probably just wanted to know how much she needed to inform me of what was going to happen to me for the next hour. But, you know me...I take very simple questions and run with it.

But this isn't about reality. This is just another snapshot of what goes on in my brain. So, back to my tangent...

As the lady waited for me to answer, these thoughts kept popping into my head: Do people usually remember when they had their last massage? Do people have massages on a regular basis? If they do, why?

I don't often splurge on spa treatments. It never really occurs to me to do so. When I splurge, it usually involves a trip to a bookstore (I know, I know...I'm such a boring nerd!) but with my sister's wedding coming up and the threat of family-related stress looming over my head, I realized I needed to hide for awhile. Hence, the massage.

After my massage, I felt so wonderfully relaxed. It was totally worth it. If people did get regular massages, I can understand why. I had no idea how much tension I had carried on my body, and feeling it being swept away was a pleasant experience.

Now that I am completely hooked, I heartily take any donations toward helping making these massages a regular occurrence.

Polinkibots

I don't know if its because I'm being nostalgic or because its been raining the past couple of days or because my sister's getting married next week, but I'm really missing a couple people right now.

Hey 6th and Pine People...you know who you are.

Yeah...I don't know how to describe it other than to say...
...polinkibots.

Currently reading : A Mighty Heart By Mariane Pearl

Game on!

Ok. So I've written a book. Now what?

The first comment I get is of the I-didn't-know-you-were-a-writer variety. My usual answer is a blushing reply of I-didn't-know-either. I get a few laughs and the subsequent conversation consists of two questions:

1. When can I read it?
2. What are you going to do with it now?

The first question is answered with a shrug and a sly smile that I usually can get away with, depending on the person. The second one is a little trickier.

Writing, as I may have eluded to before, is like a relationship. It's not just personal. It's very personal. And to put it out there is a risk that I am not always ready to take. Yes, I have thought of it. Questions like what if I'm not a writer? and can I handle the inevitable first rejection? arise, squelching any courage I was able to muster. I'd read other writings and I'd think either Man, they're really good. I can never do this or Yeah, Baby! I can do this. I can TOTALLY do this.

So here I am. I'm going through one of what will be many drafts, and I am thinking to myself...why am I doing this? For my own pleasure, to know that I can write an entire book from start to finish? Or am I going to put this out there for others to see?

I don't know if it will work, but I'm going for it. Research, editing, risking rejection, searching for acceptance.

Game on. Let's go.

Currently reading : Finding Your Voice: How to Put Personality in Your Writing By Les Edgerton

Sigh...

Sigh. I inherited a keyboard from my cousin. (THANK YOU SO MUCH!) Although I was trained on a real piano, I will not complain. I miss playing so much that I don't care now. I love this keyboard. I've played for two days straight since I got it and I feel SO much better.

Ok. I'm done. Leave me to my bliss.

Currently watching : Sports Night - The Complete Series Boxed Set

What never ceases to make me smile

When I left work Monday night, it hit me: the smell of fall. Cool, crisp, clean. I don't know why, but when I steal a moment of a crisp fall night, it makes me smile. I feel invigorated. Alive. Unstoppable. Refreshed.

At peace.

I love the fall.

The only thing better? Ask me the day in winter when it finally hits me that its the holidays. I can't wait!

I didn't think it would be so hard to say goodbye...

This actually happened a few months ago. I hadn't told anyone because I dared not to believe it. But here it is.

I finished my book.

Its so weird. I had lived with these characters for over three years and now its done. The day I had finished, I nearly cried because I had nothing new to add to their stories. Of course, I'll edit them, but I will add nothing completely new. My journey with these characters is over, and its hard to say good bye to them.

So, it's sitting in my computer, this great accomplishment of mine...and I'm happy that for the moment, they're my characters. No one owns them yet, and they are pure creations borne from my odd imagination.

And now, I have to say good bye to them. Move on. I don't know what will happen to them next...but I need to move on to new characters, new story line, new ways to express the creativity that is itching to be freed from this crazy brain of mine.

I had worked for so long for this moment and now that its here, I am having a hard time letting it go.

I've got my own voice...so how can I help but to shout and rejoice?

A Stunning Revelation on a Completely Random Phrase

Here's a telling conversation.

Friend: I think you're making a mistake.
Me: [laughing.] You know, everyone seems to think so no matter what I say or do.
Friend: [feeling bad as he realizes the flippancy of his answer] I didn't mean--
Me: [still laughing.] I know what you meant. It's ok. It's just an interesting observation. I just think its funny that it's come up a lot lately.
Friend: I didn't mean to make you feel bad.
Me: [STILL laughing] I know. I know. Its just what do you expect me to do when you tell me something like that?
Friend: [thinks about it. starts laughing.] I don't know. I guess it was supposed to change your mind.
Me: Has it ever worked?
Friend: [shrugs.] Come to think of it, I don't think it ever has.

As of late, I am very amused at this phrase. Regarding the same issue, no matter what I had chosen to do, everyone seems to have their opinion (to which they are absolutely entitled) which is best articulated by the same careless phrase: "I think you're making a mistake."

No wonder people think they're always doing something wrong.

I suppose the conversation I had earlier this morning gave me further proof that we will always disappoint someone, and we shouldn't waste time thinking about what everyone else will think of us. The truth is, I know people care about what I decide to do, but I find a lot of guilt and shame in that phrase, despite people's best intentions. Careless words are what make up that phrase. And I think the world could use less of them.

Odds are, I probably was making a mistake. I make them every day. I don't need to be reminded of it. But its funny how we share these opinions out of the goodness of our hearts, but at the same time, break the hearts we had set out to protect.

Humans are funny that way, I suppose.

Now don't get me wrong. I think the phrase is completely useable and useful when sought after. If someone asked me if I thought they were making a mistake and I found out they really wanted to know my answer, then I would tell them the truth. And I expect the same from the people I ask. But I hope that I would try to refrain from throwing that phrase around unsolicited.

People are entitled to their opinions. It would be stupid of me to ignore that. But I hope that we all learn the difference between sharing opinions and empty speech.

So my question to all is this: which careless phrase (regardless of the person's intentions) bugs you the most?

Currently watching : Serenity (Collector’s Edition)

At which point will someone's brain just implode?

I am frustrated.

Lately, I've been feeling a lot of pressure. Job, family, friends, church, money...it's all just a big mess. I feel so much pressure, that I know at some point I am going to boil over, burst, and blow up. Really.
Sigh. I miss Vegas.

I don't know when I started caring about what other people thought of me. Or rather, I don't know when I let it bother me as much as it has been lately. I am pretty much resigned to feeling invisible, but when did people start acting like my mother? I wish people would just talk to me about me instead of assuming that I will go along with anything they throw at me. I am pretty easy going when it comes to changing of plans and such, but that does not mean that i doesn't hurt my feelings when people just change things on me without talking to me. Yes, I'll go along with it, but give me the courtesy of talking to me like a human being instead of a workhorse. My name is Abby. Not BooBoo, not Abbage Cabbage, not that-chick-who-always-is-there-and-knows-what-is-going-on. I am not a fill-in girl. I do am not a place holder until you finally find the "real" person who you need to fill in that spot I am occupying. I am not the crazy sociology undergrad who is driven by politics. Sure, I am all of those things, but I am Abby. Sure, I don't share my feelings with everyone at a drop of a hat. I don't have indepth conversations after a cordial hello every Sunday morning or when you finally see me. I will share with people when I feel like its worth sharing. Just because I don't share doesn't mean I don't feel.

And right now, I'm feeling angry.

That isn't an invitation to "talk it out" or find out the reason why. I'm just angry. I'm not going to do anything drastic (past this blog) but I am angry. I'm not sad, and I will be happy. Don't worry about my joy. I have many things that make me happy, and I enjoy life. But at this very moment, I am angry. And hopeful that my saying that will just let people know that I am capable of feeling something. Of all the things I listed above, I am NOT a problem to be fixed or an issue to be addressed or an emotional wreck that is too much to be handled or ignored.

Where did this all come from? Well, my feelings have been hurt many times throughout the past couple of months. And I am sick of people who nonchalantly ask me how I am doing and expect a full answer. I don't work like that, so don't expect me to. Why don't I tell people? I don't know. I have my reasons, and believe me they don't have anything to do with anyone. It's me. But when I get it figured out, I'll tell you when I feel safe. And for the moment, I don't feel safe. So, don't fault me for that. So for the time being...here is my answer:

I am angry because my feelings are hurt and I don't know how to fix it.

Oh...and I miss Vegas.

What I found out when I got home from vacation...

It's like they knew that I was coming home...

Proverbs 29:12--If a ruler listens to lies, all his officials become wicked.
and...my favorite verse regarding my thoughts on government (ours and in general):

Psalm 118:8-9--It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.

Abby's political thought for the day...try not to get caught up in the hype. Pray instead. Our government may be disappointing and heartbreaking and at times wonderful examples of the human endeavor...but don't forget that God is bigger.

Vegas, Baby!

Well...I just got back from Vegas. And all I have to say is this...I love my sister and my cousins. Very much. You're all beautiful to me.

And yes...my feet still hurt. Someday, I'll get the feeling back in my little toe on my right foot. I'm almost sure of it.

Currently listening : Hairspray (Soundtrack to the Motion Picture) By Marc Shaiman

You know its bad when I side with...

...Leonardo DiCaprio.

I was reading the celebrity gossip off of imdb.com and found myself reading about Leonardo DiCaprio's thoughts on the presidential candidates. DiCaprio is waiting to hear specifically about the candidate's thoughts on the environmental lobby. Basically no one has caught his eye yet, and he is waiting to be "inspired." According to the article, he said:

"I'm waiting for the right questions to be asked, and these candidates to give really clear responses to what they're going to do in a tangible way-not a lot of rhetoric. I want to hear hardcore facts."

Although I don't believe that the hype is going away, I like what DiCaprio is doing. He's actually doing what I advise people to do with elections. Pick a singular issue that is important to you and research on what the candidates are actually saying about that particular issue. You'll know who you would vote for if you know what their platform is on the one thing that truly means something to you. You don't have to agree with everything...if you vote like that, you'll always be disappointed. We can get caught up in rhetoric and hype--and it's hard not to--but if you are waiting on an answer on a specific issue, you'll know it when a candidate strikes a chord with you.

Trust me, it will happen. It may not tomorrow...but hey...we've got 15 months.

Ok...now I'm done. Really.

Currently watching : Wordplay

No...I'm not gonna...

...I'm not going to...I promised.

Sigh. There's been some spin on the presidential candidates as of late. The CNN/Youtube debate, Mitt Romney's sons going on to campaign for their father, The Clinton/Obama sparring, the latest republican superdebate....Iowa, New Hampshire, back to Iowa again...

Last time I checked, this is not a presidential election year.
I made a pledge not to talk about it. I really did. I won't talk about it until January 2008, the actual presidential election year.

Then I read this article from Reuters. Apparently, South Carolina moved up its primary election to January 19th. In response, New Hampshire (who has the earliest primary election) may move its primary election date to January 8th. Which, in turn, pushes the candidates to do their frenzied monkey dances at a hurried pace, at an earlier time.

Wait...I said I wasn't going to do it....

Ok. Back to my rant. Why should I care?

I really don't. Except to say that for the next couple months (and when I say a couple, I mean like 15 months) we are going to be bombarded by campaign promises and policies. I'm already tired of hearing about it, and we've got 15 months to go. I hope by the end of the campaigning, people will learn to think for themselves, and stop listening to political spin and ignore the dance of the pundit. I hope they can look forward for America five years down the road and not just the lesser of two evils for the moment. But of all the things people do by the end of this campaign, I just hope they remember to vote.

Did I mention this is going to last for about 15 months?

And the Academy Award goes to...

Oh Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to be loved...

So...I guess my last blog was a bit dramatic. I was a bit dark and broody, but I was reminded that praise changes things. And after this morning, I know more than ever how that is true. So...here's comes the praise...

I am amazed on how great my friends and family are. I am nothing without them. I thank my God every time I think of you. I learn something wonderful about life, God, and you every time I actually get my head out of the dramatic dark and broody and see you for who you really are: beautiful.

Thank you to my friends, for all the challenges, joys and scrabble games. All of you show me love, especially in times when I feel unloveable.

Thank you to my family, especially my sister and cousins. You always remind me how much I truly love my family and couldn't live with out the craziness that is us.

Thank you to my church. You drive me crazy at times, but without your grace, I may never learn what it truly means to love God and love people.

::::cuing orchestra music::::

Wait...I just have to say...thank you to Jon Stewart and David Duchovny. You know why. Oh...and I can't wait until next year when I can start my political debates on....

::::quickly ushered off stage and cut to Glenn Close and Donald Sutherland to remind us what we are watching::::

Yes, I am sappy, but that's what happens when you're accepting an award for drama.

Currently watching : The West Wing - The Complete First Season

I lent voice to thought and that was a mistake

Ever since I moved to Tacoma, I realized how much I don't have a voice.

I can speak, and sometimes people listen. And for the first couple of years, I thought I had a place where I have influence, significance. However, those years are long gone, and I am still struggling to find a place where I just wasn't a work horse, but someone who has opinions, thoughts, and something of value to say.

Apparently, it only happens in my head and when I am in school.

I wish I had gone to graduate school.

Oh...my story. So, a few months ago, I found myself in a position where my opinions seemed to be heard and actually valued. It was great to be part of something again after being apart for so long. However, that abruptly ended due to a string of events that I had no control over.
I feel like life's a tease at times, where good things happen for as long as you don't actually say out loud that it is good. Why does it seem like whenever we say we are happy, we're suddenly not? If people really learned their lesson, they would never say that they are happy so that bad things won't happen.

So...I'm back in this non-existent, workhorse oriented, voiceless place of service and I wonder if maybe I was never meant to be an influential leader and I should stop trying. I have spent so much time being the make-it-happen-girl, that the few weeks where I actually felt like I was part of a team was a great experience that I thoroughly enjoyed. If I ever get to that point again where I felt like I was part of moving mountains instead of the one printing out the hiking guides to those mountains, I won't say anything about how I actually enjoyed it. I won't make that same mistake again.

Maybe all I have to offer is a silent tongue and a listening ear. It's not bad, but it isn't always fun.

And perhaps I am not good in saying things. But I don't want to feel like I never could be the more that I hope I could become.

Currently watching : Gone with the Wind (Four-Disc Collector's Edition)

So...uh...what happened to June?

I honestly don't know what happened in June.

I can tell you that a lot of changes happened in June, hence my absence with this blog. But the best explanation of my radio silence is that I lost my coffee shop home last month.

I have been hanging out in coffee shops throughout most of my living in Tacoma. I don't know why, but I like coffee shops. I like hiding in plain sight. I typically favored Starbucks, but after working there for two years, I opted for a quieter coffee shop to hide in.

Unfortunately, people found out about this sanctuary and have infiltrated the home that wasn't mine to begin with. Sad day. To make a long story less long...I have no sanctuaries left. There are just not enough coffee shops in Tacoma that I actually like.

So...for a lack of a better term, I have spent a month trying to find a sanctuary. No such luck. Until then, I am floating around Tacoma hoping to find a place I can find safety in...and perhaps, I might feel like myself again.

Currently reading : The Flight of the Creative Class: The New Global Competition for Talent By Richard Florida

Temptation Aisle

I miss Dreyer's ice cream.

Growing up, there was always a carton of Dreyer's in the freezer. The main staples? Cookies and Cream, Mint Chocolate Chip, and the fall back French Vanilla.

Sigh...the good old days.

With Memorial Day around the corner, ready to rush in the unofficial beginning of summer vacation, ice cream sales are popping up everywhere. It's a beautiful thing.

Talk about temptation. So, I'm walking down the freezer aisle and this fabulous sale on Dreyer's ice cream calls to me. Sadly, Dreyers ice cream only means death for my throat. (For some odd reason, I have an allergic reaction to Dreyer's ice cream). I stare and drool as I examine the new colors, new experimental flavors...it was like staring at a freshly opened box of new Crayola crayons. I didn't know ice cream could come in so many combinations...

Silly Dreyers with its innovative marketing department.

I want to try them all...but I can't. And I think that the store would frown upon me opening each carton Dreyers just to smell it.

Supermarket Guy: Umm...you can't open those.
Me: [too lost in enjoyable euphoria] I'll put them back.
Supermarket Guy: Uh...you have a little drool.

Not wanting to be banned from the ice cream aisle, I give in and settle for a Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia.

But I must confess, nothing compares to a scoop of Dreyer's Cookies and Cream.

Le sigh.

Currently reading : Praise Habit: Finding God In Sunsets And Sushi By David A. Crowder

Something Face

Person 1: Nothing's wrong.
Person 2: That's not nothing. You've got something face.

Depending on how well and how long people have known me, people know that when I am angry, I am pretty vocal about it...usually in the form of a long rant peppered with sarcastic jokes. And you will also know that if I am REALLY angry, I get very...very...quiet.

My Starbucks partners knew that rule fairly quickly...because I was quiet...a lot. (I am mostly thinking.) And people at my other job are realizing this sad fact about me fairly slowly because...well...I'm not angry. However, this past week has been a huge test on my selfish desire to be heard. As a result of my ever rapidly growing frustration, I got quieter and offered nothing more than a simple answer to the question and rarely commented or asked a question.

Which, I'm finding out, only makes people nervous.

I don't know why people want me to say something when I have nothing to say. I process a lot, and I try to think about what I am about to say. I try not to say something unless it is something of worth or that will help someone. I try not to fill the space with words that don't mean a thing. I don't always succeed, but I do try.

I guess I always thought of myself who may not always have something to say, but when I do...I try to make it count.

For the past week, I've had to hold in my biting comments regarding two scenarios: 1. When people try to prompt me to say something for the sake of saying something and 2. When people interrupt me to either add to my comment or say it for me just when I had finally decided to say something.

Grr. Argh.

I don't understand. If it bothers you if I don't speak, why do you stop me when I do?

GRR! ARGH!

Oh well. I don't need to burn bridges right now because of my selfish pride. I just wish I could find some way to ask people to not assume that my silence is out of boredom or because I have nothing to say. The sad thing is, I'm hardly bored because I'm always thinking about something and I always have something to say...but I have my reasons (not always the right ones) when I refuse to share.

But if anyone really knew me, they'd know that there is always something going on in my head.

I have something face.

Currently watching : The X-Files - The Complete Seventh Season (Slim Set)

Sounds like...bees

So...there's this gnat in my ear.

Actually, it's not so much as a gnat, but a constant hum.

Yes, my friends, one of my co-workers hums during the down time. And it wouldn't be so bad--in fact, she has a nice voice--but she doesn't stop unless she's on a call.

And of course, one of my biggest pet peeves is music outside of my frame of reference.

Grr. Argh.

Currently listening : MTV Unplugged in New York (Nirvana) By Nirvana

Missing Notes

Somewhere along my whole "jumping over the moon" timeline, I realized that there was a part of my story that I was missing. I had avoided it for so long, but I couldn't bring myself to writing it.

Saying it makes it real.

Obviously, not everything in the story I've been writing is real. But the more time I've dedicated to this book, the more I realize that it has turned from "just this thing I did" into another expression of myself. Typically, in heightened moments of emotion, I play the piano; pounding out all my unexpressed feelings (yes, I have feelings) until it came out in the form of notes and chords and strange melodies. Who knew that 88 black and white keys could offer so much freedom?

I tried looking for a piano, but I found none with which I could let myself be free. I have become too apprehensive during my time without playing, and I end up sitting at the piano bench reminiscing of an easier time when the music came naturally to me. I used to be so good, at least that's what I remember. And now I can barely put together an entire song. It saddens me, to a large extent, and I wonder if I had passed my prime and had been far too long since I had reached my musical peak. The piano, this wooden box, no longer offered a refuge for me.

My life sans piano has been a struggle. Without the music, the only way I express myself is through writing. And I think I've avoided it for far too long. I know what I have to write, and I find myself afraid of the truth it may reveal. What happened doesn't bother me any more. Telling the story does. And I struggle through this exercise in hopes that maybe when I tell my story I wouldn't only be retelling it...

...and not reliving it.

It was easier with the piano.

Currently watching : The X-Files - The Complete Fourth Season (Slim Set)

A Long Way Gone

I know it was sold at Starbucks, but don't hold it against this great book.

It took me less than a day (did I mention that I was sick the past couple of days?) but I read this moving book A Long Way Gone, by Ishmael Beah. It is a tough subject, but the way he writes makes it a pretty "easy" read. There are horrific parts where it makes you sick and sad and angry and hopeful at the same time.

I've written about books on this blog before, but this one I urge you to read. Borrow my copy if you would like. Read the book. Then pray for our world, with each countries' unique struggles and strife. And then pray for hope.

And then share hope with someone else.

Ok. Soap box is over.

Wait...no. One more thing: Books are our friends, reading is good for you. Thanks, Mr. Trampe. :)

Currently reading : A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier By Ishmael Beah

Apollo 8 and Apollo 10

Le sigh.

That's all the French I have at the moment. And I am nowhere near finishing the book.

So close, and yet so far. Jumping over the moon is harder for these two rounds, but it's all right. I'll set another goal again. It's not over.

Besides, man didn't land on the moon until Apollo 11, almost a decade after JFK declared that America was going to win the space race by landing on the moon before anyone else. in 1968, Apollo 8 was the first successful trip from the earth to the moon and back, and Apollo 10 was only 14 KM away from the moon before it had to return to earth.

It may take a couple trips around the moon, but the trip is half the fun.

Currently watching : The X-Files - The Complete Third Season (Slim Set)

A Bunch of Not Fully Developed Thoughts

I apologize in advance for this random blog. My mind has been all over the place.
All right. The short lived Scrubs obsession has passed; only to open the door to a favorite obsession of mine...

Oh David Duchovny...why don't you love me?

Yes, the X-Files watching has resumed. And you thought my West Wing fanaticism was bad.
But that is not what this entry is about. As of late, I've been rediscovering what has interested me and captures my mind still. Yes, X-Files is one of them, but moreover, I've had a chance to read a lot lately and have come across some great books--not particularly great writing, but interesting subjects. And with each book, I end up wondering what makes me tick, what inspires me, what I could be passionate about. The list is long and the ideas are lofty. But it makes my heart beat and my blood race.

No, I haven't figured it out. And no, these aren't those "self-help" books. Dr. Phil has yet to grace my bookshelf (which has overflowed to my window sill), but these history and political books can still be inspiring. I don't know what I am passionate about, or what cause most captures my interest. But I know that it will come. In the meantime, I'm discovering what I interested me first.

Before I leave this hodgepodge of an entry, here's a link to another article I read by Ben Stein concerning the state of the union a few months ago...From Ben. Enjoy!

Currently reading : Profiles in Audacity: Great Decisions and How They Were Made By Alan Axelrod

Pavlov would be proud

Some of you may have heard this before.

Ok. The phone call is a question. When the phone rings, there is no obligation to answer, no one testing to see how fast you respond, no world records are being set for the most or least amount of rings before someone picks up the phone. The phone call is a question.

And the question is this: do you want to talk to me?

My experience with people and phone is this...people tend to jump to answer when the phone rings. They hear that sound and they have this innate desire to pick it up and say hello. It doesn't matter if people have caller ID, they just have to pick it up.

Shh...a secret...you don't have to pick up.

And if you choose not to answer the phone, no reasonable person can be mad at you. They asked you a question and you said no.

And yet...

As of late, due to the nature of my job, I am finding that people don't understand the concept of the phone and its question asked in ring tones. They pick it up. While they're driving, while they're in the bathroom, while they're in the middle of burning dinner. And every time they're annoyed that I've called, I have to wonder: did you have to pick it up?

I've been told numerous times at my call center job that "It's not a good time." Or my current favorite: "I'm driving right now and can't talk." If you can't talk...don't answer the phone. Let us leave a message. Obviously it's not a good time, and I'm not offended if you can't talk. I understand. Sometimes I'm doing too many things and I can't answer the phone. And during those times of busyness, my answer to the phone call question is plain and simple:

"No. I can't talk right now."

And I let it go to voice mail.

All right. I'm done for now. But I will leave with this: if you hear the phone ring, think about the question. There is no reason we have to salivate every time we hear a bell.

Currently watching : The X-Files - The Complete Sixth Season (Slim Set)

Radio Silence

I love deadlines. Especially the whoosh sound they make as they pass by.

I've got nothing.

I guess I'm experiencing what you might call a dry spell. Writer's block. Radio silence. Creativity has left me and all I'm left with is a blank page, a blinking cursor and a slight crush on Zach Braff.
Apparently, I said I was going to finish this book I'm writing. And I've been all over the place the past couple of weeks that I have no idea who my characters are, why they do the things they do.

Hence, writer's block.

Ok. The process story. I'm not one of those writers who let their characters dictate what they do--they don't "speak" to me. I don't have a plan for the characters; I don't even know where they are going to end up. I stare at these characters, trying to understand why they are doing the things they are doing and I have no idea where they are coming from. And so it goes; these characters feeling everything they're supposed to feel and doing...nothing.
I guess I'm waiting to be inspired again. It often takes me awhile, and often when I am nowhere near my computer or even a pen and paper. So I'll sit and focus on that slowly blinking cursor and wait for that inspiration to come.

It's not like I'm on a deadline or anything.

On peut toujours esperer.

Currently watching : Garden State

Inspiring Perspective

Here's another book report.

I just finished God's Politics, by Jim Wallis. Great book. Although there are dry parts and segments where I wonder: "did he really have to share something he had already written once before?", I found myself inspired by this man's perspective.

Despite what most people think, this book does not describes what the Right is doing wrong or what the Left fails to do and what God thinks of either of those parties. This book, as a whole, is not even anti-government. This book, for a lack for a better term, does not dwell on what Jesus would do.

So what does this book do?

Well...a lot of things. But what I like most about it is how he talks about the poor. And what I realize, more than ever, is how the poor has truly dropped out of the national debate. This is a sad state of affairs since the poor makes up a large part of America as well as the most underrepresented group in America. So what now shall we do?

Start talking. Just because the government isn't, doesn't mean we shouldn't. And you never know...as the last line of the book states:

We are the ones we are waiting for.

Smoking Cigars and Sipping Brandy

First of all, I have never smoked a cigar nor sipped brandy.

However, when I was growing up, my grandpa and his close friend at the time, Mr. Daranciang, would spend the better part of our parties sitting around, drinking brandy and talking about the ways of the world. I did not take part of such conversations, and most of the adults in the room seldom ventured into deep subjects. I grew up thinking that to be an adult was to be able to hold your own in those politically heavy conversations.

Yes, folks, I wanted to be part of the exclusive club of armchair rulers who build empires (even in their own mind) in a smoke filled room.

Sadly, Mr. Daranciang died (may he rest in peace) since then, and most of my grandfather's friends have also passed away or don't live nearby. But the biggest difference is...my grandfather has a hard time hearing.

Back to my story.

One random Friday afternoon, I bumped into a two former customers of mine. One of them, Bruce, liked to have intelligent conversations. While I was working at Starbucks, I had to stop the conversations mostly due to time and the fact that I couldn't talk about certain subjects.

Ah, the curse of the green apron.

Since then, Bruce and I have had some conversations, but he said he held back a couple of times because he didn't know if I would hold my own without getting emotional. I didn't think of it as a bad thing...I was, as of late, unpracticed in debate. (Sorry for the unfortunate rhyme.)
But this day was different. In my answer to the question "Who do you like for a presidential candidate?" we found ourselves deep into a conversation about Senator Clinton. In midst of my diatribe, Bruce nodded and said, "That was very well put."

I was elated.

He egged me on to other current events and situations. The brandies were replaced by coffees. And the cigars...well, Bruce was the only one who smoked. My answer to a question grew into a hour and a half political debate. We chased every rabbit that we could find. We didn't necessarily disagree or agree on any issue, but what I had learned from my grandfather and Mr. Daranciang, that doesn't matter in these Armchair Conversations. A debate isn't about winning, its about talking about issues that are worth talking about.

At the end of the conversation, Bruce said, "You did great. You did really great." He was impressed.

I held my own.

I beamed at the compliment I had worked so hard to get from my grandpa. And although I may never get to share that conversation with him, I knew that he would have been proud.

At least I hope so.

And no...I'm not ready for that cigar or brandy.

Currently watching : Scrubs - The Complete Fourth Season

Mental Scrub

Ok. Fine. I'll admit it.

I am currently having a slight obsession with the tv show Scrubs. Like with the West Wing, everyone said it was a show I would love. And of course, I got sucked into the joy that is Scrubs.

And of course, I am drawn to the slightly awkward and silly character.

I'm sure that this will, too, will pass.

Currently watching : Scrubs - The Complete Second Season

Joy Mingled with Sorrow

Wow. I haven't written since the beginning of the month...what is wrong with me?!?

This past weekend, my friend Christie got married. I had the privilege of coordinating her wedding, and thus, got to reconnect with her family. I haven't seen her family in a long time, and I do miss them and definitely miss working with her father. (Her father was the youth pastor for a youth group I used to help lead). So, for one nostalgic week, I remembered what it was like to be in presence of a generous and lovign family like the Burkes.

On a side note, that Saturday not only did I remember what it was like to work with them, but why I had burnt out in two years. My mind is still in a whirl as to how I did for so long!

Back to my story.

The joyous occasion also gave me the opportunity to work with the Fredricks family, close friends of the Burkes. They are all great and I love every chance I get to hang out with them outside of church. Sadly, two days later, my pastor, Jon Fredricks, got into a car accident. He is fine and will have to go through a couple of surgeries and endure a long recovery. Although everyone is fine physically, I do ask for prayer for his speedy recovery and protection and healing mentally, spiritually and emotionally for the Fredricks family.

Its odd, in that very ironic way, that one moment we were laughing and enjoying our time together and the next moment, we were saddened and frightened over our hurt friend. But what is not lost on me is that both moments, over the span of only a few days, brought people together. Of course, we'd all like to have the joy and not have to experience so much sorrow, but it is in both of those kinds of moments that we realize who we want to share our lives with and how precious life is when (and because)we are together.

Please join me in prayer for our friends.

Currently listening : Garden State By Various Artists

Singled Out

I had an odd day at work today.

It wasn't bad. It wasn't good. I just wasn't connected. This isn't anyone's fault, so don't believe for a moment that this is a rant. This, is a weird confession of one of my deepest insecurities.

When I was six, I was singled out as the smartest kid in the class. Instead of it being a great achievement that would begin my road to success and law school, it felt the shame that comes when one realizes that people don't like the kid who knew all the answers.

First grade was my first year in public school and in a new city. No one knew me. Once the teachers and administration found out that I was a bright kid, they wanted to move me up or find a school they could ship me to that would best suit my "accelerated" needs. My first two months as a first grader were insolated meetings with my counselor trying to discuss what was the best course for a bright girl like me.

My mother didn;t want to send me to a different school. (And I thank her so much for that!) Plan B? I was given different worksheets on top of my regular class work that would drive my individual learning as well as keep me from boredom.

Not only was I given MORE work every day (because that is all what a kid wants), I was singled out. As if the other kids didn't know I was smart, they were reminded of it whenever my teacher asked them to let me finish my "extra" work. They already didn't know how to talk to me because they couldn't understand what I was saying in my thick Filipino accent--and now their teacher gave them permission not to speak to me because I was doing something "special."

Now...I don't blame anyone for that. But I do blame myself for what I did next.

I sabotaged it. I played dumb. I didn't participate. I learned not to speak even though I knew the answer to the questions. I failed so that I wouldn't be singled out.

Acceptance, it seems, is a bigger influence.

Yes, I know that I am not six years old anymore. I've learned a balance in the twenty years since then. I don't flaunt that I know something but I don't pretend I don't know anything.

Except for today.

I was singled out at work during our training sessions. No one was mad a me, but people didn't know how to talk to me because they knew that I wasn't in the same place as them. I felt ashamed as this old insecurity made its way back to the forefront of my mind. I tried to think of ways to make sure that they knew that I didn't know all the answers (because I don't) and I wasn't proud of being singled out (because I wasn't).

I know this is stupid of me to dwell on this. But I guess being stupid is kind of the point.

Eli's Coming

I have not written anything in a long while.

I guess you could say that I have been distracted. A lot of things have happened in the past two weeks, most all of them good (yeah! new job!) and some not so good (Grandpa is doing better, by the way.) But all are showing me the goodness and glory of God.

However, today, I found myself wanting to tear my hair out. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and everyone is safe and sound, but something's bugging me.

And I don't know what it is...yet.

My very first day at World Vision, one of my teachers said this:

Before I started at World Vision, my marriage was good. My family was good. My health was good. And after that, the enemy did everything in his power to make me stop. My marriage fell apart. I couldn't connect with my family. And my health...well, we won't talk about that. My point is this: God brought you here for a reason. A great reason for a great mission. And that is exactly what the devil doesn't want you to remember.

Most of the time, I can remember my purpose. But there are days when the mind starts to wander and all of a sudden I find myself in a new land that I swear I have been to before, but for the life of me, can't remember how I got there.

All I will say is this. We all have a button, a trigger, that sets us off with even the briefest of touches. A finger is poised on that button, I can sense it.

Eli's Coming.

Give credit where credit is due: "Eli's Coming" is a Three Dog Night song. And it's meaning to me came from a show called "Sport's Night." The chorus goes: "Eli's coming, hide your heart girl."

Currently listening : A Walk to Remember By Original Soundtrack

What I know now that I didn't before

This isn't a bulletin post/survey. Since last Thursday, I was bombarded with a crazy amount of trials and tests, tears and tremendous joy. This weekend has shown me so much that I don't think it actually fits in my head.

So here goes.

1. I have a great family.
2. My family still drives me insane.
3. I don't know what I would do if I lost my grandpa.
4. My mother does love her parents.
5. My sister sacrifices more for her family than anyone else.
6. I wish people would thank my sister for all the love she offers.
7. My three cousins from Washington are still my favorites.
8. My mom is still a superhero.
9. I get cranky on two hours of sleep.
10. I could live off of Americanos.
11. Coffee should come in IV drips.
12. I have the greatest church in the world.
13. I have the best friends in the world.
14. I love my Sunday school kids.
15. I remembered why I love teaching kids about God.
16. My Starbucks co-workers are wonderful people.
17. I will miss most of my Starbucks co-workers.
18. I wish I could have provided my partners find a better work environment before I left them.
19. I still feel like I betray people when I leave them.
20. I still love taking long drives at night.
21. I love driving my grandpa's car.
22. I wish I had a piano nearby so I could play during heightened moments of emotion.
23. I love getting to know new (and not so new people).
24. I definitely laugh more since I started working at Starbucks.
25. I am excited for what God has in store for me.
26. I am convinced, more than ever, that whether I am joyful or in sorrow, God is always at work. Always.
27. I am not as afraid of life as I thought I was.
28. Two friends of mine are having a son!!! (yeah!)
29. I want to adopt all of the children from World Vision.
30. I can't adopt all of the children from World Vision.
31. I still have hope.
32. Babies come with hats.

Technically, #32 doesn't count. Extra credit to the person who tells me where I got that from. And honestly, it shouldn't be a hard guess!

PS--If you think about it, please keep my grandpa and the rest of my family in your prayers. Thank you.