Unexpected Joys

I won't lie. 2008 did not start well. As I ventured into the first fifteen days of 2008, I found myself looking at a year full of disappointment, shame, heartache.

However, I am happy to say that 2008 did not end up that way. Yes, the aforementioned things did occur as expected, but there was also pure joy, happiness, healing, peace and blessings upon blessings.

God is good all the time.

2009 is fast approaching (already here in some places that are not in this hemisphere) I find myself looking forward to all the expected and unexpected joys ahead. I am not sure what is in store for me in 2009, but as I had mentioned before, I am afraid of the unknown. I like to be sure of the things ahead and plan accordingly. Which, I'm finding, leads to disappointment and failure.

All the time God is good.

Thankfully, God is still God. Based on what the latter half of 2008 has shown me, it is always better when he does it.

Everything becomes a pleasant surprise.

Passing Moments

Sometimes the holidays can get to me.

Most of the time I don't mind being alone. But when it comes to the holidays, I am often reminded that I do not have a companion that I can share these moments with. It makes me crazy to feel like I'm missing out on something great and special and wonderful. And if I focus on these things, I end up missing out on the moments in front of me.

I understand that this takes time. I understand that it will be well worth the wait. And I understand that God has a plan and that it is good.

But at times like these, I have to be reminded of this. I hope that I will enjoy these moments and not let them pass me by.

No, I can't bear to live my life alone, I grow impatient for a love to call my own. But when I feel that I can't go on, these precious words keeps me hangin' on: I remember mama said, "You can't hurry love. No, you just have to wait."
--Diana Ross, "You Can't Hurry Love"

Are You Kidding Me?

Sigh.

Question 1: Why is it that the things you no longer want to have happen finally happen the moment you decided you no longer wanted them?
Question 2: Why is it that the things you want to have happen hardly ever happen the way you hope/expect/want them to?

Answers are completely welcome.

Can You Vague That Up a Little?

I live life afraid.

In today's sermon, Rob asked what we would change about ourselves in 2009. I usually don't think about this question until the yearly sermon on resolutions Rob ends up doing the Sunday before New Years. (Poor Rob. But he always does a great job!)

At any rate, I kept thinking about how fearful I am. I am afraid of the unknown. I am afraid of people's perceptions of me. I am afraid of people's expectations of me. I am afraid that I will disappoint others. I am afraid of the things I really want. I am afraid that I will lose the things I already have.

I live life afraid.

Without saying too much, I will offer this: I have hope in my heart that I haven't had in a long time, if ever. And I am a little frightened because I can't intellectually get myself through this. Reason and logic have little room in this. I need to have faith and believe that a little trust can go a long way.

I know I need to trust God and believe that he is good. He will take care of me. He will not lead me astray. He has taken me this far, why would I not believe that he would take care of the rest?

Sing, Daughter, precious child of the King. He anxiously awaits to pleasantly surprise you with the desires of your heart. His hope does not disappoint.

I do not need to be afraid. But I am fearful because I don't know what is going to happen next.

For someone who never sees things coming, I am pretty stubborn in wanting to know how everything is going to work out.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.
--Paul, 2 Timothy 1:7

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
--John, 1 John 4:18

Random Musings

My thoughts are everywhere today. But since I'm not doing much of anything else right now other than drinking coffee, I thought I'd probably compose a list...

1. Insomnia, Part 13? I seriously don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't sleep. I don't drink coffee past noon. I don't even have a different sleeping routine over the holidays. I'm not currently stressed out about anything. And yet, I just can't seem to stay asleep. The sleep clinic sounds better and better every wakeless minute I spend in bed.

2. Stupid tires. The low tire warning light worries me. I know I need to get the tires checked, but I can't afford anything to fix anything right now. I keep hoping that it will magically fix itself. If don't know its broken, then maybe it's not broken. I know that's crazy logic, but there you go.

3. Accents are fun. I was delighted when I found out that one my favorite grocers had transferred from the grocery store I used to frequent to the one I currently shop at. I love talking to the guy. His accent is just too adorable! If it were a Scots accent, it would be game over. Alas, it is not.

4. February 3rd. I have a little over a month left of enjoying this temporary position at work. My co-worker's maternity leave ends on this date and it doesn't appear that my department would be able to offer me a permanent position. I really don't mind going back to the phones. And I am sure that most of the relationships I have cultivated during these few months will continue to grow. However, what plagues me most is something God wants me to trust Him in, and I am fretting and worrying over the unknown. I can't even possibly express what I will miss most when I leave this position. But I have to believe that there is purpose behind all this and that it is for the good. Even if I don't understand it right now.

Ok. That's enough processing for the moment...

A Different Kind of World

I've been waiting for a hero who's brave and strong. Someone to love me, someone to tell me I belong. So I pretend I'm satisfied, and I stand watching on the sidelines. 'Til You pull me into the light and say, "It's your turn now, welcome to your life!"

This time last year, I had awoken to a completely different world.

I had received mostly what I had asked for, but since it was apart from God, it couldn't mean anything to me. The words that were spoken to me were tainted by the intentions behind them. And it left me feeling smaller and lonelier than I had ever expected to be.

A year had magically gone by and I approached this Christmas with a different kind of spirit. Instead of wishing for things to be different, I was trying to enjoy the blessings I did have. I was blessed with a different kind of joy. I loved my church family, my friends, my job. I actually looked forward being with my family on Christmas Eve (even though the snow had threatened to change all that). The air I was taking in wasn't stale.

Life changes when lasting peace and true love are present in anyone's life. Anything else other than that merely pales in comparison.

I woke up this Christmas morning to a different kind of world. And it is better than I had ever hoped it could be.

Now I can finally start to live, take those chances I have missed. Things will be much different, now that I know You call me beautiful.

Song Quotes from "Call Me Beautiful," by Ginny Owens.

I Suspect Bing Crosby

Before I start, I hope that everyone who wished for a White Christmas enjoyed getting what they wished for!

Celebrating Christmas this year was a little different, but still fun. My cousin Sam is in the Philippines, and my cousin JJ couldn't make to my grandparents's house because of the snow. Although I missed Sam and JJ, I had the great opportunity to get to know my cousin Olivia (Smalls). For the longest time, I felt that I really couldn't connect with her because I believed we didn't have a whole lot in common. And because of the number of years that separate us, she and I never really got to talk much. However, this Christmas, she and I bonded over random conversations, card games, and falling asleep to Toy Story. We didn't get to bed until 5 AM. I really enjoyed getting to know Smalls and I pray that bond will not break.

I truly do love my family. And I am truly blessed to have celebrated Christmas with (most of) them. And when I think about Christmas this year, other than the white/gray snow that tried to separate us, I am glad I got to spend it with my church family, my family, and the Colliers!

Gloria! God is with us.

Christmas Eve

Due to inclement weather, my grandparents have decided to cancel Christmas.

Ok. I'm done being dramatic.

Because my grandparents have been unable to leave the house for the past week and a half, they are postponing our Christmas Eve celebration until this Saturday. I had a feeling this was going to happen, and had mentally prepared myself for this occurence.

And like with most things, I wasn't prepared for it emotionally.

I am sad not to spend Christmas Eve with my family. I know I usually come in late, and the time together is pretty much like every family dinner we have. I know we can see each other any time of the year since we are blessed to live so close to each other, but there is just something about seeing your family on Christmas Eve. And I guess I'm just sad that I won't be able to do that this year.

Update: The grandparents called. Christmas is back on!!!! Now if the snow will just cooperate and disappear so that I can make it to my grandparents's house and then leave the next day...

Dreaming Outside of Winter Wonderland

Yes, I like snow.

I liked snow when it meant that we got to stay home from school and look forward to hours of making snow angels, building snowmen and dodging snowballs. I liked snow when you watch the snow in the comfort of your own home in front of a fire and drinking hot chocolate. I liked snow when the child like wonder of the transformed world around you takes your breath away and all you felt was comfort and warmth and peace.

But there is this responsible adult within me that hates snow. I hate being cold. I hate watching the weather reports and letting it feed into my anxiety over the morning commute.

I want to be that child again and wonder at the land of snow. I want to get excited over the prospect of a white Christmas. I want to ignore all the gray and the dark ugly road littered with brown and dirty snow and see the fluffy white line the evergreens and bare branches outside of my window. Like with most things in my life, I want to simply enjoy this moment.

But for now, I'm dreaming of sitting on a warm beach in Hawaii.

Unrecognizable

I know I can love you much better than this. It's better this way.
--Sarah McLaughlin, "Full of Grace"

It's probably because its **still** snowing (sigh...I want it to stop!) I have had some time to think.

I had planned to sleep in this morning, but when my alarm went off at 6 AM, I lay awake, thinking.

I know, I know...thinking is a dangerous pasttime.

At any rate, I thought about my life and how much I have been enjoying it lately (despite the snow...). A huge smile was on my face and my heart is still bursting with joy. As I thanked God for his blessings for these few weeks, I realized that I hardly recognized myself.

And it was a good thing.

Of course, being the thinker I am (I wouldn't be me if I wasn't processing something) I decided to go into research mode. I pulled out my journals during this time last year and came upon the life I had lived at the beginning of this year. I hadn't realized how far I had come from the troubled life I had lived. I read those entries, yelling at Abby from Jan 08, pleading with her to see the trouble she was going to get into and begging her to see that there was a way out if she just looked up.

Despite all my pleading, it did not change the outcome. However, in the end, I wouldn't have traded those experiences as long as it still leads me back to this moment where I know for sure God loves me. To this moment where I know there is still hope. To this moment where I still believe in love.

I no longer recognize the Abby from earlier this year. And I hope that the Abby I am now will continue to grow and love better than she did before.

Delight

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
--David, Psalm 37:4

You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.
--David, Psalm 4:7

Like with most things, I didn't see it coming.

However, I am learning (forgive me, I am slow) that just because I am oblivious to something doesn't mean that it wasn't ever going to happen. Moreover (who uses that word any more?) it also doesn't mean that God hadn't been preparing me for the good things he had planned for me.

It has taken me awhile to actually write this, but I wanted to share about this past experience without sharing too much in a blog for the two people that actually read this thing. So here goes.

The week of Thanksgiving, an event occurred that I had long imagined but suddenly didn't know how to handle. My reaction was far more complicated and different than I had anticipated. But in the end, a choice had to be made. God was tugging at my heart, urging me to follow him to a place that I had no desire to go.

But if I had failed to take this opportunity, I knew I would regret it. I would be missing out on the life that I wanted to have. And I didn't know how or when I had stopped believing in the life I had hoped for.

To be quite honest, I didn't do anything. But the small offering I made out of an act of obedience was enough for God to use in a mighty way--not only in my life, but for others around me. And it is because of His faithfulness alone that everything that I could ever hope for has been blessed.

I honestly didn't see it coming.

In fact, I didn't realize it until my counselor had pointed it out in our meeting yesterday. After I had babbled about what has occurred since Thanksgiving, she asked me if it had been everything I had asked God for. I was pleasantly surprised to respond with a resounding "Yes!"

The past three weeks have been nothing short of amazing. Yes, it came through some heartache, but God has taught me so much about His forgiveness and grace and love and compassion and...and...and...

I am hesitant to say all of this because I am afraid that this joy will go away. Doubt rises and troubles me. I am not used to this kind of feeling, or this place of joy. I have had moments, but they soon went away. And I can't help but wonder when this will fade. I fear that something will happen that will jerk me back to a place of despair and struggle and sorrow and...and...and...

However, that is not the kind of God I serve. In every and any circumstance, I hope that I will continue to choose to be content. The world will want to test me, and it may come close to winning, but in the end, the enemy can't break me. This daughter belongs to God.

There are many moments of joy and many moments of sorrow. But right now, all I wanted to say is that for this moment, my heart is full of delight.

And you know what that means....the dance of joy. May it never end.

Silly Rabbit

On my way to work today, I saw a falling star.

At least, I hope it wasn't a crashing plane.

Very much chasing this silly feeling I've been experiencing lately, I made a wish. I laughed at myself for doing it, but the smile hasn't left my face.

I am amazed how the most childlike things can totally change the outlook of your day.

The only drawback? I have a song stuck in my head...

Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away...

Croissant

A tragic croissant moment occurred when Craig killed the croissant Nick had dropped...








I hope Craig doesn't kill me
for this...

Breathing Lessons

It has been a very interesting, wonderful week.

And I'm not used to this feeling at all.

I am bursting at the seams with so much joy that I can hardly recognize myself. I'm not used to being the goofy girl. Yes, some circumstances are still hard but I can't help but hold onto the hope that everything really, truly is going to be all right.

However, with me still being me, doubt rises and I am troubled by my own experience with joy. I'm not used to having it be this way. Will I still have hope if the joy goes away? What if the next breath I take isn't as sweet as the one before? It's hard not to run with this feeling with the fear that it will go away.

I suppose that is the journey--to be in content in every and any circumstance.

But first, I need to learn how to breathe.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer.
--Paul, Letter to the Romans, Chapter 12, Verse 12.

Romantic Idealism

I don't know if it is a result of reading too many books as a child, but I think somewhere between all the reading and the thinking, I became an idealist.

Even worse, a romantic one at that.

There isn't anything wrong with that, I suppose, but I find that my idealism gets in the way. Reality isn't as grim as I think it is, and my expectations of how I want life to turn out won't result in the way I hope it should.

I wonder if I keep searching for something that won't exist, I might miss out what it right in front of me.

Silly thoughts. Effects of education, I suppose.

On Hold

I have an ususually high filter.

I often hold back to spare someone feelings--mine or someone else's. I often hold back because I don't want to be in the way. But mostly I hold back because I don't believe that what I have to offer is worth much of anything.

One of my biggest frustrations in playing the piano is that I feel like I'm constantly holding back. Now, this isn't to say that I'm really awesome at the piano (because I'm not) or because the worship team needs me to play louder (because that isn't always the case) but I am frustrated that I am not able to express what I truly feel.

Now, my current experience with playing with team (which is a different blog) is just an example. This is a common theme with my frustrations in general. I don't express much of anything in my heart and I usually cover it with what is in my mind.

And it is exhausting.

There has to a balance to all of this. I don't want to become a flood of feelings or a droning intellectual. But I'm struggling to figure out how to express and share in a way that glorifies God and stop holding back.

I hope that if I have a lower setting on my filter, I can still be a blessing.

On Guard

Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.
--Writer of Proverbs, Book of Proverbs, 4:23

I was never really good at guarding my heart.

I don't know if it was a learned trait, or if I had stopped caring, but I have often given my heart to the care of those who had mistreated it. Beat it up. Cut it down. Spoke death to it. Crushed the life out of it. Killed it with kindness that only meant to harm. Shamed it into thoughtless submission. Used it for their own pleasures. Scattered the pieces until there was nothing left of it.

Only by the grace of God do I have much of a heart left.

After a nearly year-long trial (ask me later) I promised myself that I needed to make an effort to ensure that I would guard my heart carefully. I didn't know why I had to, but I held onto the hope that because my heart now belonged to God and is no longer mine, it is no longer my decision to whom I give this heart.

Knowing that, my heart should be in good hands.

That is, until I try to take it back.

The most recent test of this guardianship of this fragile heart came shortly after another test had ended. I cried out to Father God and asked him to help me guard my heart from those who seek to distract me from the life God has set before me. I didn't want to ask him, but I knew that it would be best.

Amazingly enough, (why are we always amazed that God answers prayers?) God let the scales fall from my eyes and I saw the distraction for what it really was. God promises me an abundant eternal life, and that begins now. That is the hope he wants me to cling to. The life he wants me to hold onto is good, and he has a plan for it. And that means that I can't always say yes to the things that I believe I deserve.

It pains me to say no to a "sure" thing, but when I remember that God will protect the hearts that he claims as his, the hurt doesn't last as much as I had feared.

God, my Lord who fiercely loves me, is the only one who would determine those who he deems able to take care of something he claims as his.

There's no place like home

I am not a nester.

I actually don't know what that word means. I'm not even sure if it is a word.

In any case, I am not used to having a home of my own. Granted, I live in an apartment--but its mine! Growing up, I lived with my grandparents. After that, I went to college--moved from dorm to dorm. Right after that, I moved in a with a friend of mine. And after that, I spent three years living with a different friend.

This is the first time I have a space that I call my own. It's been about nine months and I still have decorated.

First of all, I don't have a lot to decorate with. Secondly, I don't even know where to start.

Decorating is a foreign concept to me. It never used to bother me until last night when I wanted to decorate for Christmas.

I pulled the few things I have that may be considered festive. As I stood back at my paltry offering, all I kept thinking about was...

...I want more.

I don't have the time, money or the talent to make my home feel like Christmas. But for the ten minutes it took me to put out a few stockings and change a couple towels and a tablecloth, and added more candles on the fireplace mantle, I got bit by the bug for more.

Although I am not likely to invest any more time or money on it in the near future, I realized how excited I was to finally have a place to start making my own. The foreign concept of home is becoming a little more familiar.

It took me 27 years to get there, but its about time that my sanctuary isn't found hiding in a coffee shop.

Joyful Distraction

It has been an eventful week. And of course, I want to take a break.

I started reading my books on Scotland again, once again resuming my affair with Scotsmen, their rich history, landscape, and kilts.

Don't even get me started on the devastatingly adoring accent.

It amazes me that even after a trial that could consume me for days, life resumes it frantic rhythm. How easily the devil tries to distract us from what is really important. But I hope that i will not win over me. I cannot be so immature to think I can do anything on my own. I cannot stray far from the grip of God.

But I must confess: I am not used to this feeling of freedom, of lightness in step. Yes, things are still hard, and the road may still seem forever long. There are pains in this world that need our attention and prayer, and I am not immune from pain.

But it is nice to breathe again; to smile that doesn't reflect sadness, but geunine peace and happiness. God spoke into my life when he gave me my name, and I hope that in any telling of the story of my life so far, it will be a source of joy.

Trials never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is feeling now, that was not here before, and is not just on the surface of things, but penetrates all the way through: we've won it. Its going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things.
--Robert M. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainence"

Then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
--Anais Nin

I have come so that you may have life to the full.
--Jesus, John 10:10

An Overflow of Praise...

This year went by really fast. There was a lot of heartache, stretching, and pain, but out of all of those things, God created beauty, joy and peace. My plan for this year was to continue my week of lists from last Thanksgiving week, but this week proved to be a little more interesting than that.

However, I wanted to get this list out today. I am overflowing with praise for my Father God, who made all of these things possible in my life by his generous grace and fierce love.

1. My "church" family. God has created a family for me. Most of them I met at the church I currently attend, but all are fellow believers who walk through life with me. I had not realized how I had taken this group of people for granted, but I know more than ever just how much I love everyone. I am a better person because of all of these people, and I hope that I may be a blessing to them in some way.

2. Tuesdays with my best friend, Natalie. It has saved me a couple of times from doing something stupid. I can't imagine doing life without my friend!

3. The coffee shop. There are no words to describe how this place has become a sanctuary for me. I spent many hours there to hide, to laugh, to just be... I know my coffee boys don't know how much they mean to me and the comfort they have given me in the form of a cup of coffee. Their crazy antics reminded me not to take life too seriously. They laugh at all my stupid jokes and they let me sit for hours at the end of the bar as I watch the Olympics on the internet. Sanctuaries can be good.

4. My worship team. They don't know it, but I would have given up everything and chosen a worse kind of living if it weren't for them. It hasn't always been easy, but I know the music is sweeter because of the relationships we have built with each other and with God.

5. My job. I love it so much right now. I am thankful for my co-workers, who remind me every day just how blessed I am to work at a place like World Vision with people who love God and love his people.

6. The Sunday night small group. I know we've just met, but I love all of these ladies very much. They are fun people who love God and want to know more of Him. They invited me in and accepted me so easily. It seems like we have been friends forever! They are a great picture of what true community living is like. I want nothing but the best for each of them.

7. My family. They drive me crazy, but I love everyone of them.

I could go on and on and on and on...which is just a testimony of how good God is and how truly blessed we all are. May I never forget God's blessings and may I always be an overflow of praise for him.

Grace Notes

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
--Paul, 2nd Corinthians 12:7-9

Its been a rough couple of days. I don't want to get into the details for the sake of privacy, but I did want to share what God has shown me during this time of sudden trial by fire.

For a long time now, I have held onto some anger and bitterness. I didn't realize how much I had until I calculated the time: 13 years. Half of my life had been wasted hating someone that I had given too much power to. It had been so much a part of my life that I didn't have to think about it. You say this person's name and I was suddenly a different person. And it would torment me for weeks.

How does someone become free of all of this? How does someone let go of something that was so second nature?

This past week, I realized just how much I didn't want to become that person any more. I wanted it to be over, to finally sing that final note in this recurring verse. I wanted it to be done.

I always thought that I would have time. It turns out that I couldn't wait forever. I had the chance to extend grace and finally have peace. I had imagined the moment for so long, but the outcome was far different than I had wished; my emotional reaction was completely surprising and unexpected. I suddenly didn't know my lines, didn't know the song, didn't know what to do.

Except cry out to God.

In music, they say that grace notes can make the song sweet. In this case, I agree.

I was reminded that His grace was for all. I was so angry that I wanted to keep withholding it, to keep myself from feeling anything other than anger towards this person. But it was killing me. And it did not please my Heavenly Father.

How does one let something like this go?

I went on believing that I didn't have grace to offer. That what I had to offer was a paltry offering, not worthy of sharing. But it could mean so much. And God uses all things.

So I gave what I could--this small grace offering to the person I was convinced didn't deserve it. Sigh...the wonders of our gracious God.

Amazingly enough, God turned it to something beautiful. Suddenly, I didn't hate this person. I no longer held what he had done against him and I no longer wanted to see him punished. I wanted him to know that even though I did not love him, God does. I wanted rest for him. I wanted peace for him.

May he find it.

And the grace I extended I realized was the grace that had only been given to me by the only Father that I do call my own.

My Daddy. Abba, Father. It has never meant so much to me than it does now. If it is truly over now, I know I only found it through grace.

Any other word...

For two years I had gone without a nickname. At my last job, I was primarily known by a nickname one of my co-workers had affectionately bestowed upon me. The nickname became so popular among co-workers and customers that hardly anyone knew what my real name was.

And so I relished the two years without a nickname. That is, until I was chatting with a couple of friends and a story came out, revealing the nickname I had hidden for so long. It was like Christmas for them, finding out this name that revealed the past that I kept secret from them. For about an hour, the name was reborn, resulting in a flood of memories in my brain and a flush of red on my cheeks.

The story had died down, but it was of note to me the power of a name. It was from so long ago and it had held so much shame and sadness in me. But as the name had slipped as I told the story, resulting in good-hearted laughter and joy, the power of the name had gone. I don't know what that means, (then again, does it have to mean anything?) but I hope that it indicates that I have moved on from the stories that I had avoided from my last job. Maybe now I can look back and not be sad or in denial of the person that gave me that name.

And maybe it will just be a name.

What's in a name? A rose by any other word would smell as sweet.
-Juliet, Romeo & Juliet.

...a wish the heart makes...

...As per usual...here is my disclaimer: I don't blame the Cinderella story at all...

Work has been a real joy right now. Being in the research department for the call center has been challenging...and there is always something new every day. To that extent, I haven't had a lot of time to think about anything else. Normally this wouldn't bother me, except where I can't get out of my head the question that my pastor had proposed in his sermon a few weeks ago: what is your dream?

I used to hate admitting my dreams. I didn't want to be disappointed. However, I realize that keeping quiet doesn't stop the disappointment when dreams don't come true.

Who says that dreams can't come true? They do every day. It may not happen to me as much, but I have to believe that they do come true. I can't put stock in dreams. They, like a lot of things in this world, are bound to disappoint. So, do I ignore the wishes my heart makes? Do I settle for less? Or do I dare to dream big?

In my restless mind, I struggled with this question of "what is your dream?" And this is my conclusion. I can dream big, but I can also believe in a big God.

God knows the desires of my heart and the dreams I keep hidden in my heart. He only wants to bless me with good things. I cannot hold onto my dreams. But the hope I have in God...that is something worth holding onto.

Weight Loss

I've been working on it for awhile. I wasn't sure if that day will come, but I dreamt about it.

If I did my hair one way, if I wore this sweater or this shirt, if I worked out, maybe I'll see it.

If had enough counseling or memorized enough Bible verses, maybe I'll be over it.

If I played the piano in a certain way, wrote the perfect story, did enough good deeds at church so they won't betray me, I'll finally believe it.

But I didn't see it coming. I didn't know how much I had lost until I finally gave up trying. And today, it happened. I was going to the restroom and I caught my reflection in the mirror.

And I didn't hate myself. I looked at the mirror and only saw beauty staring back. In that moment I believed that I was finally happy with myself.

I hadn't realized how much weight I had carried hating and hiding from myself.

Scotland

Apparently, I have a recent fascination with Scotland.

How did it happen? I read a book. Since then, I couldn't keep my mind from wandering into a place that has so much beauty and history and struggle and castles...

...and men with thick accents.

Its been a rough couple of weeks, but Scotland seems as good a place as any to escape. Even if it its in my mind and the books I read.

Books are our friends. Reading is good for you.
--Mr. Trampe

Enough

This weekend, I attended the Christian Musician Summit. This was my second year, and like most sophomore years, everyone kept comparing it to last year. The concensus was that last year, they felt more bonded because they were in the same car. This year, we had a caravan of a few cars.

I had no comment to share because last year, I drove up seperately. And since I was sick, I didn't have a voice.

Sigh.

Last year, I was feeling a lot of sadness and discouragement from my new role in worship team and my walk with God. I confessed that I was having a hard time with God being enough.

This year, I had an unusual experience. Even after all the madness and chaos and disappointing situations I was in, I felt close to God. I loved that I was getting to know him every day. It is a sweeter song as of late, and I had never had that experience when I'm attending a church function.

Odd, huh?

I thank God that he had taken me to that place of peace in midst of storm, hope despite despair. And may I ever be an overflow of praise for Him.

Fitting Room and Scales

Apparently, for someone who hates puns, I use quite an awful lot of them. Question: if I flip-flop on my stance on puns, does that make me a bad person? Does that mean I can never run for office?

Well, there are a lot of reasons why I can't run for office. Flip-flopping on puns doesn't even round out the top 10.

Ok. I'm focused now.

This past weekend my family celebrated my grandma's 80th birthday. The extended family that do not live in Washington, planned a surprise party for my grandma and arrived without her knowing on Friday.

She cried when she finally registered that all of her kids were here to celebrate her. It was touching.

And I sat there, watching my family gather around for another reunion, I became more aware of how I really don't fit in.

I know my family loves me. And I have a lot of fun with them. But I get this sense that I am not really part of their ethos. For the life of me, I can't get over the idea that its because they don't think I'm beautiful.

They like beautiful things.

I mean, who doesn't?

It was odd, being ignored throughout this entire weekend and having nothing to contribute. I have enough of that with my church family. But this is blood relatives--shouldn't it feel different?

Their "rejection" of me isn't a shunning (I've been watching too much of the Office) but rather a tolerance of my being. I know they worry about my weight. How I look. My job. My seemingly forever single status.

I think they're afraid I'm going to die young, alone, and fat.

Sigh.

But in the end, they still love me, right?

And my aunt asked my mom if she was worried about my health and single status. I'm not sure what her reaction was. But knowing my mom, it was probably non-commital silence. I love you, Mom, but a little help from you couldn't hurt.

I know they're coming from a place of care and love. But I often feel if they thought I was beautiful, this would all be different.

It's all right. I just don't fit in here. I don't know why, and I don't think there is anything to change that. But I hope one day my family will see who I really am and come to realize that no matter how things appear...

...I'm not sure how I want to finish this sentence.

My grandfather made a speech last night (Saturday) about the four pillars of health. I don't mind these random speeches, and I used to hang on his every word. But this was uncomfortable. Everyone started comparing how many of the four they have. And when they looked at me, they seemed to already know what I lacked.

And it occurred to me that although flawed, this is what is most important to them. This is how they weigh priorities. I don't fit that scale at all. And I'm struggling to remember that in the end, that isn't what matters.

But it still hurts.

All beautiful you are, Darling, I see no flaw in you.
--the Lover, Song of Songs 4:7

Election Day

Yeah. Election Day.

Did you vote? :-D

This is history in the making and a future we're building--how could we not get excited?

Yet, come tomorrow, a new world will be open to us (hopefully). Still, even then, change doesn't happen overnight. It doesn't happen just because today is Presidential Election Day. But change is here. I just hope it doesn't die just because the voting portion has ended. Moreover, elections don't change who God is. And he is bigger than any elected official and those who did the voting. And that is a perspective I hope we never lose.

Yup. Tomorrow (hopefully) will be different, but we have the same God.

Oh, brave new world with such people in it!

Rights

Yesterday, I came across a political commentary stating a popular adage: if you didn't vote, you don't have the right to complain.

I have said this numerous times, but now I'm having second thoughts. You do have the right to complain, regardless of whether you voted or not. (Vote, people!). You should have the right to be mad that the economy is bad. You should have the right to speak out against a broken system. You should have the right to say that this world could be better and that you want more for Americanthan what our elected leaders alone can provide.

This sudden dilemma in my brain came about a few moments before I read that commentary. I was reading about the refugees in the Congo and the rebels advancing to Goma. People have fled their homes in search of sanctuary, only to face the dangers of meeting their enemies in the places they thought were safe. And the day before that, my co-worker and I were talking about the violent political history of Pakistan. There are people who say they believe in democracy who cut off the opposing extremists heads and raise their bloodied stumps in public as a warning to those who speak out against their political agenda. And before I wrote this blog, I came across an article about a 13 year old girl in Somalia who reported to be raped, only to be accused of adultery. For her supposed crimes, she was stoned to death.

It breaks my heart.

These people don't have a voice. And they probably never will.

Yes, America is broken, corrupt, ignorant and, at times, murderous. But we have a right to speak and have our voices heard. We have the right to say that we don't agree with our system and not fear violent retribution by extremists who don't agree with me based on their dogma against my race, my age, my gender, my creed. I have the right to say that the bankers are greedy and the government protects only those who have money. I have the right to a trial if I were ever accused of a crime that I didn't commit. And yes, I may not agree with our elected leaders...and I have the right to say so, whether I voted for them or not.

So, sure, I'd like for everyone to vote. I'd like a perfect candidate that won't disappoint. But most of all, I would like not to take for granted the freedom I have to speak and be heard.

If you didn't vote, or if you voted for the guy I didn't vote for, or if we voted for the same person, it doesn't change our right to complain or crow if the world does or doesn't change. Just because the Presidential Election cycle is drawing to a close doesn't mean we get to stop exercising our right to speak and preserving right for others to disagree. There will still be issues in the world and our nation when November 4 passes us by and when the new president takes oath on January 20th.

The bigger crime isn't whether you voted or not. The bigger crime comes on all the other days that don't merit a countdown on CNN. The bigger crime occurs when we had the freedom to speak against injustices of any size and chose, instead, to remain silent.

Vote. It may not be the best or most effective expression of our freedoms, but it is one of the many freedoms we have in this nation. And one that we should not take for granted.

I don't know why, but it makes me laugh...

I couldn't tell if it was because it was a Friday afternoon at work, or if it was because Halloween, of it was because I left my office key card in my other pants pocket, but I had a hard time getting through my day.

So, I decided to skip going to the Y and opted for a quick visit to the coffee shop. I was glad I did. I got to connect with some people I hadn't in a long while. But what really made my day occurred on my way home.

At the traffic light on 6th and Union, a bunch of trick or treaters were crossing 6th Ave. It was the usual fare of familiar costumes, but I noticed that one kid was carrying a "We Need Change" placard.

Because it is getting closer to Election Day (did you vote yet? I did!) I had come to ignore these placards that have littered our sidewalks and street corners. But this particular one was in the hands of a little boy in a dark suit.

Yes, it was a little Barack Obama crossing the street.

I don't know why, but it made me laugh.

Odd Chances

This past Sunday, my church hosted a Harvest Festival. I was in charge of the cake walk. For two hours, in 10 minute intervals, I play referee for the scrambling children who desperately desire to win a cake. For like 10 seconds I'm every child's favorite, because I hold the key to the cakes. Only to be followed by 9 minutes and 50 seconds of being the sworn enemy of children everywhere because I denied them access.

Silly, fickle children. The game of chance is lost on so many people.

However, I found out that one of my favorite children in the entire world was determined to win a cake. Having been denied three years in a row, he made it known that all he wanted during this year's Harvest Festival was to go home with a cake.

Of course, since he is my favorite, I wanted him to win. However, I could not rig the game...espeically at a church function! Discovering that my integrity was coming into question, I decided to let random people in the audience pick the number. I picked my favorite child's mother to pick a number...and she ends up picking my favorite child's number.

Did I mention that this was a game of chance? Seriously...what were the odds?

The child didn't even know. I cheered for him and told him he had won a cake. His mother, with her own intergrity coming into question, showed the token that bore the number that her own child was standing on. He stared at the number he was standing on and when it finally registered, he threw his hands in the air and jumped for victory.

I was truly happy for that kid. And I hope he enjoyed that cake.

And no...I did not rig the game. I couldn't even if I tried!

Did I mention that this was a game of chance?

On a slightly related note, at work, we had hired a few new people to help with our Gift Catalog season. Gift Catalog items are quite popular during the Holidays and usually generates a large portion of our income. And since most of our yearly income at World Vision comes during November and December, it is imperative that we have all hands (and extra hands) on deck.

As I have mentioned before, I am working in the reserach department for DCS while one of my co-workers is on maternity leave. DCS agents take calls in the floor above us, so I have not quite met all the new hires. One of them was sitting at my old desk--which in itself is annoying. But shock of all shocks, was that I thought he was an former friend of mine (who, sadly, I no longer speak to. I'm sorry...I miss you, friend!). He looked so much like him that I almost went behind him to say hello and strike up a conversation that Former Friend and I would have.

Sadly, it was not him. Thankfully...I did not embarrass myself by interacting with New Guy as if we already knew each other.

And as I have gotten to know this person more, it is eerily scary how similar he is to Former Friend. Their mannerisms are oddly similar. He sounds almost like him. They have similar clothing styles. It is crazy! And for some reason, I forget that New Guy is not Former Friend every time I venture up the flight of stairs that separates our floors. I know its going to happen...I'm going to call him by Former Friend's name. I know it. Embarrassment is just around the corner!

I'm hoping they have the same name, so I don't have to spend any more mental energy to stop referring to New Guy as Former Friend.

Seriously...what are the chances?

Silver Lining

So, I'm walking around on the "floor" (as the third floor of our building is affectionately called. This is where DCS agents take calls.) when one of my co-workers strikes up a conversation with me:

Awesome Co-Worker: Hey, its good to see you up here. How is research going?
Me: I love it.
Awesome Co-Worker: I can tell. Its so good to see you smiling again.
Me: [blushing, laughing, smiling...] What?
Awesome Co-Worker: You've been smiling a lot more, lately. Its a good thing.
Me: [nodding in agreement.] Thank you. God has been showing me a lot. And I love working in research.
Awesome Co-Worker: That's good to hear.
Me: I like being friends with happy people--some of my best friends are the ones who can laugh at themselves.
Awesome Co-Worker: This is key.
Me: Well, I guess its about time I become one of those people.
Awesome Co-Worker: I had no doubt you were always a happy person. But its good to see more of it lately.

And I walked back to my desk downstairs, beaming with happiness.

Well, today, the conversation continues. I was shopping in Seattle with my mom and we were walking alone Pine street, after a successful run at Pike Place Market. Without going into the long involved story about the silver ring that I wear on my right hand, I will say that I had gone without the ring for the past three weeks. And for those three weeks, my naked hand stared at me. And for those three weeks, I kept running my thumb along the indented paled skin around my fourth finger.

I didn't want to admit it, but for those three weeks, I felt that a part of me was missing.

I searched for a new silver ring, knowing that by doing so, I would have invested in four separate rings in the past eleven years. I had failed to find one that fit perfectly, and I had given up the search. However, at Pike Place Market, I found a very close likeness to the one I had owned. I was happy.

And this is what my mother saw, as we walked along Pine street.

Me: I'm sorry, I'm just so happy.
Mom: I can see that.
Me: I know it's silly, but I have wanted to find this ring for so long.
Mom: I know. You are very happy. I guess it's meant to be.
Me: [staring at my ring.] It just felt different without it.
Mom: I can see that. I'm glad you found that part of you that you had lost.

And she doesn't even know the half of it.

I know this is just the silver lining, and I'm not quite through the storm. But something good is still going to come out of this nearly month-long journey. I just know it.

Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a
crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives a blessing from God.
--Writer of Hebrews, Hebrews 6:7

In midst of this storm, I shall drink deep and not drown in it. Out of this nourishment, God will produce something beautiful. And that is enough to make me smile.

Pinched

I have a pinched nerve in my neck, and I'm quite uncomfortable. I so desperately want to see my chiropractor! :::grin:::

Ok. Enough of that nonsense. I haven't written in awhile, and I thought I'd check in. There are too many thoughts swimming in my brain and I need to make room for more.

Last Saturday, I had a couple of conversations with a common thread. Apparently, there was something I was not understanding from God, and he had use three different people to get his point across.

Sometimes I wonder if God ever shakes his head at me with disbelief on how dense and oblivious I can be.

At any rate, the conversation I wanted to focus on was of the same nature of the conversation I had with Random Guy. The oddest thing was she talked about my issues with laughing. Now personally, I don't have issues with laughing. At least, I don't think I do. I love laughing. I like people who make me laugh. I like people who laugh at themselves. I try to surround myself with those who are, for the most part, people who laugh.

I offered my friend the same answer I had given to Random Guy. Sure, I would like to laugh more.

And it was then I realized what was really going on in my brain. I do laugh with people, but I hardly ever cry with them. I just don't cry. When I do, its for a brief moment. I blink twice and the tears stop and the telltale signs of red blotchy eyes disappear. Its a practice that I am not proud of, but one I have perfected over many years of hiding.

The conclusion I have is this. I don't mind people who cry, its just that don't cry often. And when I do, it is alone. The running joke for awhile was, "Let me pinch my leg to see if I can muster up a single tear."

I don't think not crying in front of people it is necessarily a bad thing, but apparently, there are those who want more of me. Sure, I'll laugh with you, but I won't necessarily cry with you. And if I'm hiding from people, than odds are, I am also hiding from God.

Sigh. I just don't ever really learn these things.

My friend also stated that she sees that I am constantly thinking. This isn't an untrue or unique observation. But her next statement was:

"I sometimes think of how exhausting it must be to be you."

You have no idea.

But apparently, that was not God's intention for me. And I hope that if anything, with my constantly running thoughts, worries, and fears, I will give the filter a break. Let vulnerability win and rest.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
-Jesus, in Matthew 11:28-30

Singing the Same Song

As I've mentioned before, I get the unique privilege of encountering many random conversations.

I don't plans these conversations (hence the random) and I don't deliberately seek them out (despite what a certain person thinks). And I love these God appointed encounters. In the last couple of weeks, I have been sick of hearing my own song in repeat. To remedy myself from the pity party, I ventured out into the world that seems to constantly reject me and came across a few observations:

1. We're singing the same song. Sure, have our own version of the song. Some sing the verse, or the chorus, or do a long riff on the melody. But the song is the same. It doesn't make it less true, of course, but we all want to be heard. To be known. To be loved. To be appreciated. To be safe. To be comforted. To not hurt. To become something greater than what we are. To not fail. To not fear. To not worry. To be courageous. To be strong. To be beautiful. To be...

2. People have stopped listening. I don't know if its because we're too busy singing our own versions of the same tune, but I am amazed at what a listening ear can do to a person. People have lent me their ears and it turned my life around (please see other conversations.) And I have seen the joy, release, and peace that enters a person's soul when I listen to them. It has been a personal to joy to be a sounding board for someone--especially when they feel that no one hears them.

3. We all have something to offer. My prayer is that we all realize this truth (including myself.) I often wonder what would happen if we stopped thinking about our own struggles and supported someone instead? I am often surprised that when I do, that the very thing I struggle with allowed me to help someone in the same situation. And it is in those times I learn the most. God uses all things...even us. He truly does.

Ok. The metaphor has been milked. Back to my song.

Human Kindness

I think I'm starting to feel like myself again.

Thank you, Lord, for the people you put in my life. Their kindness reflected your love.

I led them with cords of human kindness; with ties of love...
--Hosea 11:4

It's beautiful to me to know that God can use our kindness to lead others to him. May every act of kindness I do be used in a such a way.

For your glory, Lord.

I Like the Little Things

It was a discouraging day today.

But God, in his infinite wisdom and an unfailing love showed me once again, that he still cares. And he will still show this through people...even if they are random.

Today, it was my chiropractor.

We were in his office, talking about my one month reassessment. Because it's me, I ended up asking him more questions about his sleeping patterns than he did about mine. Realizing that I had yet, once again, turned the tables in controlling the conversation, he laughed and asked me what I would recommend for his sleeping problems.

I leaned forward and said with a raised eyebrow that I because I wasn't licensed, I couldn't give him medical advice, but I thought he should consult his doctor. And with a smile, I told him I knew a name of a few chiropractors. He laughed again and we talked about my schooling, when I graduated college and high school, where I went to high school, how long I lived in Tacoma and where my family lived. We chatted about where he grew up and his adventures in baseball.

Sadly, our conversation had to end, because, truly, I had an actual medical appointment, not a first date. (E-mail me if you want my thoughts on that one).

Sure, I'm a bit of a flirt (the debate is out there if I am one or not) and he was asking those questions to get to know me. Or maybe I just carry a good conversation. But in the end, I found it refreshing to have someone hold a conversation with me. I learned about them, they learn about me. Usually its one sided, but this time, it wasn't.

And after a whole day of feeling like I was never going to be heard and that I was destined for a life of silence, it was nice to have someone actually sit down across from me, look in me in the eyes and let me share a little bit about my life.

It doesn't have to mean anything, but one fifteen minute conversation proved to me that a little bit can still mean a lot.

Lessons from the Wizard...of Oz

First of all, I love the movie, The Wizard of Oz. Now that I'm a little older than when I first loved it, I find it to be such a smart and entertaining movie. I could probably devote a million blogs on this movie alone, but I will spare my two loyal readers. :-D

But for the moment, I will share only three observations. In lieu of my last marathon entry, I will keep this brief...er.

1. The Yellow Brick Road. It was the instruction Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, gave Dorothy when she began her journey home: follow the yellow brick road. It seemed simple enough, and Dorothy had to trust that it would not lead her astray.

But when Dorothy came to the fork in the road where she met the Scarecrow, she hesitated. Doubt plagued her...which road should she take? Was she lost? What happens if she went to the right or to the left?

Paralyzed by her fear of being lost, she neglected to notice that both roads were made of yellow bricks, and so forgot her only instruction: follow the yellow brick road. If Glinda was right, and all she had to do was follow the yellow brick road, she would find her way home...and either road would take her there...that is, if they were both yellow.

I often forget my instructions when faced with a hard decision. Paralyzed by fear and failure, I forget that no matter road I take, if I follow Jesus, I will get to where I am going.

2. The Wicked Witch of the West. When the Wicked Witch threatens Dorothy in Munchkinland, Glinda wraps a protective arm around Dorothy and says laughingly to the Wicked Witch:

"Rubbish! You have no power here! Begone!"

Wicked Witch, though quite a fearsome creature to behold, had no real power under real authority. How often I forget that Satan, though powerful enough, has no real power where God resides. And with a simple reminder under the full authority of God, he'll leave me alone, too.

3. Brains. One of my favorite quotes come in the scene where Dorothy meets the Scarecrow. He admits to her that he doesn't have a brain. She asks how he was able to talk if he didn't have a brain. His reply:

"But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking."

I tend not to be cynical when it comes to the Presidential Election, but a person can only take so much! Yes, there is a lot of talk out there. We tend to make stupid decisions, individually and as a group, but we are not stupid. We have the ability to make our own minds, and all we are asking is for the facts, not spin. Now, I can't say that people don't do stupid things (because many people do) but I am tired of a governmental leadership assuming that we cannot make an informed decision if we are given all of the facts.

Sadly, we can't fix the problem with a broken system. Talking heads are what we left with, and the Presidential Election will appear again in four years when, again, change is all we talk about.

I hope, with or without an Presidential election year, that we never stop talking about change. But I also hope that we do more than talk, that we would continue working toward a better world for our children and reaching those for the glory of God.

4. Puns. I hate puns. But this movie gets away with it. When Dorothy and the Scarecrow meet the Tin Man, he mumbles...

Dorothy: [to Scarecrow] He said oil can.
Scarecrow: Oil can what?

As a child, I didn't get it. Now that I do, I can't stop laughing.

Speaking in Code

So, I was sitting at the coffee shop, when I was engaged in a random conversation with a guy at the end of the bar.

He was about 50, a little disheveled but not quite out of place. He seemed nice enough. And he obviously liked talking to people.

Not that I spend a lot of time at the coffee shop, but I didn't recognize him. He later tells me that this was his first time in the coffee shop and he really enjoyed it. After that moment, we shoot the breeze about whether I was a student, where I attended school and where I worked now.

Ah, the holy trinity of conversation topics when people don't know how to approach me and they see that I am not wearing a wedding ring.

Again, he seemed nice enough. But I found myself a bit uncomfortable. He kept staring at me, especially when I was cracking jokes with my friends at the coffee shop and tipped my head back in laughter. I kept wondering why he was staring at me. It wasn't the typical ogling from prior encounters I had with men his age. It was like he was trying to figure me out.

Our stilted conversation drifted to my job. Unlike some people, he actually knew where World Vision was located. And even more so, he knew what we did.

Random Man: You guys do good work.
Me: We try. Its hard work.
Random Man: You're a humanitarian--did I say that right?
Me: Yes. We're a Christian humanitarian oranization.
Random Man: I like your work. [He touches his heart] And you are one of them, aren't you?

Them? I raise an eyebrow.

Random Man: I am, too.

Oh. He meant Christian.

What do you say to that? My offering was a shy smile and a paltry "I'm glad."

And then came the staring and his attempt to figure me out. At one point, one of my coffee shop friends came by and the conversation turned to the economy.

Random Man: I don't worry about it. Everything will turn out all right.
Me: Yes, it will.
Random Man: That's me. 24/7. I've been through three changes in the economy. But people like you and me don't need to worry.
Me: [Offering a small smile] I suppose you're right.

He laughs, as if I was confirming his suspicions about me. I try to shrug it off. But my own calculations were confirmed when he came to my corner before he left the store. He shook my hand, and whispered low:

Random Man: You're saved, aren't you?

It was a statement, not a question.

Suddenly all of his comments made sense. He was trying to figure out if I was saved. But he wasn't finished with his detective work.

Random Man: I knew it. I knew you were when you were talking. I knew you were a little uncomfortable, but it isn't about being saved.

Not really. I just have a hard time with strangers who stare at me. I never know what to say. And since I have lived a lifetime of being uncomfortable, this wasn't entirely new. But what he didn't know was that the past two weeks I had been dealing with my comfort level and how I interact with people--friends, family...and random strangers in my coffee shop.

Random Man: I think you're a very happy person. But you don't laugh very much, do you?

What I wanted to say was "I love to laugh." But what I said was the unfiltered truth.

Me: No. At least, not as of late. But it's getting better.
Random Man: You should. You have a great laugh. And I kept thinking that you need to laugh more. All I wanted to do was keep your smile on your face.

Hello, High Walls of Discomfort.

What do you say when the person you had just met sees so much about you? I was touched by his sensitive observations but I was also angry that just because he broke the code to our somewhat "secret" society, (which is a blog in of itself!) it doesn't mean he can tell me what he thinks needs to be fixed about me.

To be quite honest, I wasn't that angry. Uncomfortable, yes, but not angry. I don't know if the discomfort will go away when I meet up with people who stare at me. But Random Man was nice enough and I believe he did not mean me harm. The verdict is still out on how I feel about our conversation. I'm sure I won't see him again, at least not on this side of heaven. Apparently, that's what it means to be part of the same club. But I'm sure I'll be glad to see him again.

Its a wonder to me that these conversations with strangers are becoming more frequent. God is using people who don't know anything about me to reveal things that people don't often say to me. And I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that.

Losing Obsession

Ok. Last month, I declared that one of my goals was to get to a healthy body weight by next fall. My hope was that by living healthier was a good goal and one not based on vanity. I would focus on achieving a change in lifestyles instead of setting a concete goal in hopes that I won't become obsessed on how I look.

Vanity. It's all vanity.

And so, I made a silent pact with myself not to weigh myself. This came when I weighed myself last August after the stomach flu and toyed with the idea of becoming healthy. Eight weeks later, my friend asked me how much weight I had lost.

I must have made a face because she felt the need to explain herself. "You do know you're losing weight, right?"

Actually, I've been so good at denial, that I didn't even notice. I didn't think I had lost any weight. I look the same to me.

After much begging and prodding, she convinced me to weigh myself at the scale in our office space. She said that I would be surprised at the results. I didn't want to know, but then I did want to know...was any of this effort paying off?

And so I stepped onto that scale and slid the weights over to the right. I went straight to where I was before, and with utter surprise, I had to move it over to the left. I started with one notch. And then two. And seeing that I was making no progress moving it slowly, I slide it over the notch that was one pound less than where I was before.

No movement.

With a raised eyebrow I kept sliding the little weight that I had become so fearful of until the reader told me it was balanced.

Ten pounds.

Ten pounds? I blinked at disbelief. I then did the calculations in my head. Stats of every kind filled my brain. I then saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror and I still don't see the difference.

It was then that I realized how quickly I had stepped into obsession.

Vanity. All vanity.

So there's a fine line I'm walking. Although I'm proud of my achievement (even if I don't believe it) I don't want it to consume me. I'm still Abby. I was Abby ten pounds heavier and I am still Abby ten pounds lighter. I will still be Abby in Fall 2009 whether I lose the pounds or not. I intend to lose the pounds and my obsession...and not lose myself in the process.

But I will confess this: it feels good. And that's what I wanted to share at this random part of this journey.

Small Victories and Big Wins

Sunday was a good day.

Victory: I got out of bed.

Victory: I didn't avoid someone that I have been avoiding for a few months now. We still can't talk, but at least I'm trying. Maybe someday we'll have a real conversation.

Win: I made dinner last night that I was actually proud of and probably would serve to other people. Yes, I can almost cook.

Win: I went to the Y and realized that I had shaved off fifteen seconds from the mile for the third time in a row. It wasn't a fluke.

Victory (ish): I "stole" the church's keyboard for a few days. Due to poor planning, I dragged the heavy, cumbersome keyboard up a flight of stairs and into my apartment by myself. Don't know how I'm going to get it into my car Thursday morning.

Win: Because I stole the aforementioned keyboard, I got to spend three hours of playing piano and remembering how much I loved playing and how good I used to be. Great conversation with God through music. I am grateful that I can express how much I love God in this way.

I understand that there really isn't a difference between the victories and wins that I had listed. But it doesn't matter. Its been so long since I've actually had more in the column for victoriess and wins than for struggles and losses.

Yes. Sunday was a good day.

I lent voice to thought and that was my mistake

They say that saying it out loud helps.

A few days ago I admitted to a friend of mine the true struggle that lay beneath all the other struggles these past nine months. Now its out there, floating in the air. And I don't know what to do with it. However, saying it out loud did help me get out of bed the next morning. I was able to go to work, get through my normal every day life as I silently pondered what I was going to do.

I said it out loud--this stupid thing that brings so much shame. But I didn't feel better. I was running out of places to find the answers, and all I really wanted to do was get on with my life and function.

Although I did find myself annoyed more than comforted, I was pleasantly surprised by the people God had used to show me comfort and love. It wasn't those I had expected to extend a helping hand. Most of these people barely knew me, but still showed care. They didn't expect any details about my current trials. They didn't ask or prod, but tilted their heads and with a gentle voice told me that they loved me; were praying for me. They didn't have to know what was wrong--they only knew that something was wrong and offered me what they could--no matter how small the measurement.

It is amazing what a difference a smile makes. Or a caring touch. Or an impromptu dinner over news and politics. Or a hand firmly gripping mine, to offer whatever strength they had to help me get through whatever nameless thing I was going through.

My heart was moved by those who didn't offer words of advice, and led me to the care of God's hands. To those people, I am truly grateful. You may never know how bad it truly got, but each of your small smiles kept this failing heart going. Don't ever think that what you do is meaningless.

I just hope that someday I can return the favor.

My God loves me. And if there was any indication from the friends and random strangers he had used to show me this, I know this love is real.

They say that saying it out loud helps.

Something Beautiful

"Have I your permission?" said the Angel to the Ghost.
"I know it will kill me."
"It won't. But supposing it did?"
"You're right. It would be better to be dead than to live with this creature."
"Than I may?"
"Damn and blast you! Go on can't you? Get it over. Do what you like," bellowed the Ghost: but ended, whimpering, "God help me. God help me."
Next moment the Ghost gave a scream of agony such I never heard on Earth. The Burning One closed his crimson grip on the reptile: twisted it, while it bit and writhed, and then flung it, broken backed, on the turf...
"Nothing, not even the best and the noblest, can go on as it now is..."
--C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

I haven't slept in three days.

Which, apparently, is the only way to make me cry.

I kept saying, "I obeyed the Lord. Albeit a little late, but I did obey. Why this torment? Why am I still struggling with something that means nothing to me?"

Apparently, obedience often opens doors for a major spiritual attack. Nothing makes the Evil One more angry than a Child of God falling more in love with her Father and wanting to do more to please Him.

And so, the evil one played his dirty tricks. He twisted the thorn in my side to make me curse God. And God allowed it, not to torment me, but because he was creating something beautiful.

In the story above, the reptile turns into a stallion and the man into a glorious soldier. He let go of the reptile and let it be killed; not knowing what would happen, only knowing that something had to be better than how he was living now. He can no longer stand to be tempted by the creature he had treated as a pet. The reptile turned into something beautiful, and the man found himself also changed.

The reptile was a metaphor for lust, but we all have our tormentors. Even if we don't know what they look like. I have ignored mine for so long, but now, I can't. It was revealed in a beautiful conversation with someone God used to show me love and comfort. (Thank you, my friend. You are beautiful to me.) Now that I know this reptile's name, will I let it die? Will I cry out to God for help?

Hosanna. You are the God that saves us.

Although it is not promised, my hope is that He will create something beautiful, and perhaps, I, too, will be changed.

He has to come through. He hasn't yet, but I have to believe that he has to come through in this area that I had not let anyone touch.

The one who calls you is faithful and will do it. --Paul, 1 Thessalonians, 5:14.

Of course I am still hurting, but we're not done. Not yet. And that is a very good thing.

I Think They're Finally on to Us...

I was at the Y this morning and unfortunately, the only thing on TV other than the innovative flat iron that can shorten the beautifying of a woman's unruly curly hair by minutes, was the analysis of last night's Presidential Debate.

However, because I am me, my eyes did wander to the analysis. Apparently, the analysts had moved on from discussing the issues to a poll they had taken regarding who won in terms of how the candidates presented themselves.

It's the Nixon/Kennedy debate all over again.

So, this particular television newscrew had polled two groups of independent voters. (Yes, I thought that was an odd phrase, too) In keeping with the theme of the debate, there was no clear winner. Predictable.

As I'm listening to Black Eyed Peas ask me "Where is the love?", I read this caption as it glides on the screen: "The biggest surprise was that people are looking for different things than analysts are. They see things differently."

Apparently, analysts are surprised that they are different than us. I'm waiting for them to realize that the average voter doesn't care about spending hours analyzing polling data, predicting voting trends or interpreting spin. We're looking for someone to trust, and political analysts are not on the short list.

Seriously, for me, it's like finding gold.

Red Shoes

I am on a mission.

In a random series of events, I've been thinking a lot about The Wizard of Oz. It was my favorite movie growing up, and I have this vague memory of waking up and immediately asking my grandparents to put the videotape in the VCR.

I own that tape to this day, complete with the CBS logo and the commercials of a time long gone by. (Ask me about the McDonalds ad. Sigh. I don't miss the jingle at all.) I have long debated purchasing the DVD version that would fully capture and preserve the movie in all its Technicolor beauty. I'm afraid it just won't be the same without the commercial interruptions.

Also, growing up, I wanted to be Dorothy. From the curly hair, to the blue dress with a bow in the back, and of course, the ruby slippers--I wanted to be her.

Of course, my dreams were dashed when someone in school told me that I could never be Dorothy because my skin color didn't quite match.

Silly Kindergartners.

Which brings me back to my mission. I won't buy the blue dress, but I am going to find a pair of red shoes. I don't think I have ever bought a pair of shoes that wasn't black or brown. But I will get some color in my life. I will own that pair of red shoes.

Gotta love the silliness. Thanks for indulging me!

Release

The struggle is finally over...ish. (I'm sure another one is in the horizon).

I am always sad when things end. I hate when things end and when I have to walk away. But I came to this realization that the decision wasn't mine. God made my decision and asked me to obey. My decision was to obey.

As with most things, it was easier than I had thought. It was still hard to put my foot down, turn on my heel and walk away, but it wasn't the soul-breaking thing I had feared.

I hate hurting people's feelings. I hate breaking people's hearts. But its not my decision. I don't see the bigger picture that God does. All he wants me to do is obey.

Funny thing is, once I followed up my words with action, the release that I had been seeking for so long finally came upon me. I could no longer remember why I was fighting.

I just hope I remember this when the inevitable storm on the horizon appears and I end up with the same kind of struggles. And maybe this time, I'll be quick to obey instead of wondering how I can hold my breath and survive on my own.

I wish for many things. But this isn't about wishes. This is about choices. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong? --Buffy

My Castle in Denial

I'm moving.

I'm closing up my castle in Denial and moving on. To where? Hopefully a chocolate factory.

The situation that I have eluded to for the past few months has overwhelmed me. I can't handle it any more. I haven't been able to handle it for a long time, but it has to stop.

I was talking to one of my co-workers and she shared with me about a hard decision she had to make. (You are amazing, my friend!) And it dawned on me how I have avoided the decision laid before me.

I didn't believe that God would give me the courage I needed to make the decision. I didn't believe that God would comfort me when I went through the effects of my decision. And I didn't believe that I deserved any more than what I was experiencing these past few months.

This is why I must move out of Denial.

God has so much planned for me, but I can't get anywhere with him if I don't leave this place. And my decision not to make a decision was a choice I made. And a poor one at that.

So here I go. I'm making a choice. And I don't care if it is right or wrong. I'm making a choice to follow God.

And he doesn't dwell in Denial.

You'll never be a better kind if you don't leave the world behind.
--Weezer, "Keep Fishin'"

Struggling with a Sure Thing

You'll never be a better kind if you don't leave the world behind.
--Weezer, "Keep Fishin'"

Right now, I'm watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (the Johnny Depp version)...and apparently listening to Weezer.

As most of you know, my very first chapter book was a hardcover edition of Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. It was a well loved book--despite the scary illustrations from the original illustrator. (Believe me, the new editions now available in bookstores pale in comparison). My copy is still on my bookshelf.

At any rate, I'm watching the scene that is not part of the original story. In Tim Burton's version, Charlie, after a once-in-a-lifetime visit to the infamous chocolate factory, turns down Willy Wonka's offer to live with him and inherit the factory.

Charlie loved his family so much, that he could not bear to be apart from them, even if it meant having everything he had thought he had wanted. His wildest dreams were about to come true--but without his family, it meant nothing.

In other words, he walked away from a sure thing because other things matter more.

Of course, because this is a children's story, there is a happy ending. Sweet Charlie Bucket wins Willy Wonka's heart and they end up with a shared family and a chocolate factory. Not bad for a young kid with exceptional sense of integrity.

If only integrity was that easy to come by. If only life could be tailored to such happy endings. But it's not always the case. The decision isn't always as easy as they make it in the movies. At times, it is a struggle to obey.

However, I'm convinced that if we forget what really matters, we are likely settle for the sure thing and miss out on the real treasure that awaits us.

We may not always get the chocolate factory on this side of heaven.

Can we surrender our concern for the things that don't matter and live the rest of our lives for the things that do? --Tony Snow

Secret Judgment and Pleasant Surprises

I've been thinking a lot about trust.

Who do I trust? Do I trust anyone? If so, what do I trust them with? My life? My thoughts? My dreams? My secrets?

There was a running joke a few years back about my trust issues. I do, in fact, trust people. And if you got all 17 people together you will catch a glimpse of who I really am. It's not that I don't think people will keep a secret--I just fear their judgment of what I have to share.

Having been burned before, I'm not likely to share a whole lot with anyone. I am sorry that people in the past of ruined it for those in presently in my life and for those I have yet to meet. But, I am working on it.

Today was the first real good day for a long while. It hasn't drastically changed my trust issues, but I believe that there are still people in the world who still want to do some good in it. There is a lot of pain and sorrow and hurt here. I see it everywhere I go. But I love it when God shows me the love and good and hope people are capable of demonstrating...even if it is found in the most unlikely of places.

I'm not as naive to start trusting people. We still have to be mindful to guard our hearts. But every once in awhile, people...even in the depths of their sorrow...can still surprise me.

And sometimes its enough to keep me going.

Anyone Remember How to Set the Time on a VCR?

I'm regressing a little.

My sister was getting rid of some of her movies on VHS. She has pretty much duplicated her collection on DVD, so I inherited these little black boxes that hold film in ribbon form. Since Friday, I have been watching through some of these tapes, laughing at a time gone by.

There are some favorites like Dirty Dancing and Apollo 13. And there are those that are guilty pleasures from high school such as She's All That and Bring It On. (Yes, I admit that I do enjoy a Kirstin Dunst (ack) movie.)

Sure, a weekend of embracing the cheese isn't exactly the best use of my time. But I don't mind every once in awhile rediscovering the things that used to entertain me--even if they are accompanied by the hum of my rarely used, nearly antiquated VCR.

Good times, good times.

Refreshment

Its no secret. I'm tired.

Exhausted. Sleep-deprived. Insomniac. Stressed. In pain.

And so, I'm going to the fair today with my sister and company in hopes of finding some mindless refreshment. I hopes of doing so, I may breath in deep and enjoy life.

At least experience it while awake.

All Go and No Quit

I apologize for the past few entries. I promise to be more fun instead of this person I usually filter in public. However, it is good to catalog how God is working, even if we don't see it. Thank you for going through this journey with me...even if it is vague. :-)

I don't have a whole lot to say other than this...in the recent trial I had mentioned, God claimed victory.

No, the circumstances certainly have not changed, and I don't forsee it going away any time soon. But God led me to this place where I don't necessarily want it to. Sure, there is pain. Lots of pain. I might actually shed a tear or two. But I believe something good is going to happen here.

I asked for a sign. And I found it in the Word.

Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary or lose heart. --Writer of Hebrews, Hebrews
12:3

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themelves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good. --Peter, 1 Peter 4:12-13, 19

Let us not become weary in doing good for we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. --Paul, Galatians 6:9

My comfort is not worth someone else's eternity.

There are more verses, and I'd love to share them with anyone who actually asks. I have no "miracle story" other than what happened in my heart this morning and what I hope happens in someone's heart soon. I won't let the pain stop me from going to the throne of God and asking for his love and grace to extend to those who have hurt me. Sure, there will be more tests (probably more after I post this blog) that will certainly "throw" me or distract me, but I am confident that it is happening because God is doing something BIG and BEAUTIFUL here.

I have faith. It isn't because I may or may not get everything I want. It isn't because the gap between desire and reality will shrink. It isn't because I can take the pain (I certainly cannot--only Jesus).

I have faith because I believe God works in all things. Pain and struggles are nothing new to Jesus. Even though I feel he is far away, he is here as I go through...whatever it is I am going through. And that is the reason why I will continue. I will keep going. I will never give up doing good.

All go and no quit.

My comfort is not worth someone else's eternity.

And to the person who I am writing this for...keep praying. God hears you and will answer you. Everything is going to be all right.

I'm Not Crazy...er, at Least I'm Not Wrong...

I don't know what happened, but Saturday night, I completely snapped.

And come Sunday evening, I had rearranged my apartment.

Usually, when I am in a mood, I am more of the dark and broody nature. But this time, it was completely manic. Nothing wasn't inherently wrong, but I knew something was coming. Really, I'm not crazy.

I wasn't wrong. But since I don't want to necessarily talk about it, I will say that confessing that Jesus is the Christ and that your life is not your own usually opens doors to tests, trials and temptations. Although I was correct in my assumption that something was coming, I had no idea that it would come so soon.

So...here I am, sitting in my rearranged apartment reminded of my manic episode and the confession that I will not be trapped by my circumstances. And I wonder what will come out of this testing--if it will prove my faith or reaffirm my fears.

Give me a sign. Let me know you're here. I won't give up if you won't give up. --Train, "Angels."

The Trappings of These Present Circumstances

You think you can hold me. --Kitsunigari, X-Files.

It's an X-Files quote, yes, but hey...I've been pretty good about holding back on these things that constantly run though my mind

How about one from the Word?

[We are] sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor yet making others rich; having nothing and yet possessing everything. -Paul, 2 Corinthians 6:10

Considering my last post, this has been a current struggle. I felt trapped by my own circumstances and the consequences of the choices I had made; presently and in the past. In other words, I was pretending not to be dark and broody when the contrary was very much my reality. It is a struggle, I suppose, to not feel trapped by one's own circumstances. Yes, there is sorrow, but there is much joy. Yes, we may feel like we have nothing, but we have everything we could ever hope for.

We are different. The trappings of this world cannot hold us. Jesus died for our sins, conquered death. These are the things we talk about. But what about these present circumstances?

Because of the love of Christ, we are not held by these circumstances. Yes, we suffer/rejoice due to the consequences of the choices we make, but we are not left alone in them. We are not left alone in death. We are not left alone in our sorrow. We are not left alone in our despair. And people wonder what makes this all possible and we are reluctant to point to the source.

We have a hope that does not disappoint. That is what makes us different. And yet, people who witness our lives are left wondering why we don't live out the hope that we profess.

What would someone say if they witnessed my current struggle? Would they say that I was trapped, or that I was different because they saw a supernatural miracle? And if asked, would my answer be of despair or of hope?

These present circumstances say that they can hold me. But I write this unusual preachy blog to state the following:

My life is not my own; I belong to someone greater than the one that is in this world. And I can, with confidence, say that they cannot hold me because nothing can separate me from the love of Jesus Christ.

Checking In...

Hmm...so I've been in hibernation mode. Not my typical dark and broody mode, but I am definitely in isolation.

And I don't know why, either.

Also, I've been angrier lately. Not the typical, "I'm-annoyed-and-people-drive-me-crazy" roll of the eyes. This is, fist in the air, yelling at the world, flying off the handle kind of angry.

Again, I don't know why.

So, I guess its that time again, where God and I need to have a conversation. Right now, its the silent treatment. Reading his Word daily has become routine instead of an open moment for life change. But at least I'm getting something, even if it isn't making it through this hollow tin chest!

I'm not really sure what to say to him other than life isn't turning out the way that I thought it would by now and it's frustrating me. And of course, like everyone else, I want to know if everything is going to be all right. :-)

Goal Setting

Normally, I don't set goals.

The last time I had set a goal was in January. Of 2007.

But in light of the Olympics and the lack of focus in my life, I believe now would be a good time to start setting some goals. I suppose it is fitting since it is September 1st. And as I usually run on a normal public school schedule, so the timing is perfect.

Go God. :-)

So here we go:

1. Finish the first draft of a book (that I actually intend to publish) by January 20, 2009. Yes, its Inaguaral Day! I'm not looking forward to it at all. [insert sacrasm here!]

Sidebar: No, I don't intend to have every goal be centered around a political timetable. It was only a coincidence. Really.

2. Reach healthy body weight by Fall 2009.
3. Save money for trip to England for my next vacation, Summer 2009. Anyone want to come?

All right. Here goes.

The only thing to do is jump over the moon.